Ok. I am tired. Physically. Can't wait when the college year gets over and I really need leave from work. Well.. will get the leave in a week!!! =D

I have so many times meant to make a note here but... When I am sitting behind the screen my thoughts are gone. If I could just save them when I get them... ;] That would be then like Bioflunz' dreammachine already :P

Nvm. I am alive and doing okay and thats the most important :)

I have several days thought on how I come home and log all what I have thought and seen, done and been but here I am... Weeks later and actually dont want to type any about what I was thinking about then. Like about the winter and trees and snow and the gorgeos feelings I have felt walking in darkness on the street seeing all the amazing beauty of nature. Or about WoW and Kuo, and about Kilo and Tsis, and V, and Tij and hate and love and wasting of time and about college and the studings and.. and... and... Dont know at all why I did log on to write anything because jsut now I feel like a worm enving life of Meego Remmel. Well.. not his life but to be as he is.. simple, intelligent, trusting, helpful and so amazing. I have all the time dreamed to be a good person but actually I really want to shout to everyone that F-word... Yea.. I really want..

So fuck you! Fuck you, fuck you and fuck you too!

Oh, and do NOT leave me, of course...

Unrepentently guilty...

I feel that way. I am studying on III course and I feel I know nothing. I did know some on the first course but now... I know nothing! I just wonder how have I managed to stay in college with studying methods like I have. The Method like "I have time, I have time, I have no time, God help me, I will start study, I make it, I forget my promises..." That has sent me trough the half year. What can I say... Just

GOD, FORGIVE ME!
I AM A SINNER! :(

Quiet stream, deep bottom... EVA!

Did open my emails and saw that Eva did answer to my request to see her blog. Well... didnt see what she did answer, just that she did it and then I just log in to read her writtings. I am still sitting at the children clinic. My day have been really pithful... I did measured a 17 years old boy's RR. Twice. Then I did rub a 8 months old girl's but into Methylen blue (whatever it is). Did hand fever thermometer to 3 different mom/dad that they could measure temperature of their offsprings, did draw tables into a workbook about 3 hours, standed middle the room and tried to keep back yawns and now its at 5 PM and I have read about an hour Eva's blog.

Maris said it is good. Don't know is it good but I really did made funny noices during reading so the nurse, carer and the resident squint at me. So what. Let me home then... They left room and I did really laugh laud till tears. Well.. I have to say it is good because I really laughed. Some experssions did disturbed me but its because of my principles not about she did use them.

Just read her answer as well she wrote to me "I did sent the invite. But I warn you I do write there very and very honestly. Happy reading." LOL. She REALLY did write very honestly there. When you talk about your feelings then you cant lie anyway. You just feel that way on this moment. Is it right then or not.

Xristmas

Kuolema said to me yesterday night Merry Christmas and hopefully we will see again in 2 months about. He is going to visit his parents for the time. Somehow it even made me sad. He said he will log on from laptop but he can't paly from there. But playing its not important because if I want someone to boost instas for me I can always bother Vouivre (althou he always says no) or maybe Tsister or kitkat to help me. In the same it gives me possibility to lvl TigelVigel up to the same lvl with Kjol (Kuo's alt) that we could do some quests together. Thaaaats a positive thing =]

I like Kuolema a lot. He is really kind and friendly person. And very helpful =]

Shadows

I have tried to get Derek of from my thoughts and posts. Out from my life. But it seemed to be not possible. Till I realized couple days ago I will never gt him out from it because he was a part of my life. And I just can't delete that time. But finally I was agree with him, he is an arse. =] He really was, is and probably will be because the truth is that peopel won't change if they wont. I feel sorry of the time I spent crying and longing by him. I was living under well hidden terror of what will happen if I do... live. So I did stop living. I did lose my life and my friends.

I got it all couple days ago when was watching my friends and felt happy again. There will be always shadows in my life but they will be almost gone in shine of my all the happiness from my life :]

Long live sun.

Oh and long live WoW =]

Winter 2009 arraived yesterday. Officially.

Yesterday at 7.49 PM arrived winter in Estonia. Not the fact itself but the white slowly falling snow what did cover the land and the really boring day at children clinic and that continuous sitting and sneaking off time to time to have our fair of chit-chat made us decide to do something together. Outside. In snow.

At first there was 3 and half of us. Maris (1), Kätlin (1), Sandra (0,5) and me (1). Karin, Kadri N and Kerli Ke were just taking things easy and decided that weather outside is not for them. But it was for us. We were standing on the top fo the hill and Maris poke me "So? Let's go?" I did watch down from the hill, then I watched Maris. And then again down from the hill, and then I did watch Kätlin. Sigh. Alright then. I did give the green apple shaped butt plate to Maris and took the big yellow "pan" for myself. Everyone got the sledge accordingly the size of our butts. I did sat on my pan and did push myself down... When I finally got down were my mouth and eyes full of snow and I did hang on to the pan handles. Weeeeeee! That was fun!

3 hours on the hill. Eva L came there before her way to the Norwey course and took 2 rides down form the hill. And finally got Käthlin with her men and son there too. So finally left from the hill 5 of us. Maris (1), Kätlin (1), Sandra (0,5), Rinaldo (1), Käthlin (1), Markus (0,5) and me (1) ofc.

We decided to not go to Kapriis. Not that i would know where or what it is. But we just decided to take pizza and some snacks and go to the students house where Käthlin and Rinaldo and a room. Kätlin and Sandra left us but Kerlik Ke and Tiivi (who knows who was her) joined with us. We did eat 2,4 kilo pizza, bowl of chips and teh other bowl of raw veggies with dip sauce. Also we did drink a 1,5 liter of limonade Kreizi Maasikas and 2 litres of glög. Althou I did thought I will explode I couldnt stop my hands go again to veggies or chips bowl and then again near my mouth.. Exploding was not only dangerous what was lurking by us there but once I did almost choke because of unability stop laugh with full mouth...

So. Winter did arrive yesterday. Officially.

Today again.. I am sitting at children clinic and feel I have body.. My body muscles are in fire. Especially my tummy. Its really good to laugh..

In Intensivroom

Boring.

Boring. Boring. Boring.

Boring.

Boring. Boring. Boring. Boring. Boring. Boring. Boring. Boring. Boring. Boring. Boring. Boring. Boring. Boring. Boring. Boring. Boring. Boring. Boring. Boring. Boring. Boring. Boring. Boring. Boring. Boring. Boring. Boring. Boring. Boring. Boring. Boring. Boring. Boring. Boring. Boring. Boring. Boring. Boring. Boring. Boring. Boring. Boring. Boring. Boring.

BOOOOORING!

At least half of day has been really nothing to do. I have been twice in blood center to get ordered blood. And it is a job of carers not for nurses or midwives. I did it only because I did know where it is and because it was so boring there. Since there was nothing to do in the intensive room, I did ask can I be in the main gyn. depratment then. I got premission. Being in the departmetn... what can I say... It was...

BOOOOORING!

I had possibility to stand next to nurse when she took out a drainage tube from a patient stomach. She had laparosocopy. Then I had possibility all alone take out the catheter. Then I did stole 2 apples from personal room (there was really big basketful apples on the table). And then I moved to intensive room because finally they did bring an old lady back from operation. Between all of those things I did was lots of time I sat just like that on a chair and was watching into the nurses every move to guess what she wants to do for next and then ask can I do that. And its already 12:37 PM.

I'll survive...

I did fall asleep about half past 2 PM after I made myself put the book on the shelf next the bed. Bella had become as a vampire and my main curiousity was sattisfied. Only question was that what the heck was talking the next half book then now? All problems seemed to be solved with vampirizing...

But I needed sleep. I had to get up early on the morning next day. Or axtually I had to get up already in 4,5 hour today.

I didnt see dream on this night. It was not very hard to get up on the morning since I had good long nap in last evening. I had to go to work today in main hospital house. Suring last days it happened that people desired more to work on main house than in Vallikraavi. The clinic in Vallikraavi street has just lots of patients in really bad conditions. Just a carer and a nurs for 30 patient from 4 or 5 were really ill and needed lots of care, is obviously too much. People are tired and complaing.

But I had to go to Puusepa's clinic today, so I was doing fine. There was just 8 patients. Ah great! And only 3 will come. Thats great too because every new patient meant to me that I had to walk to otherside of the building about 3 times and the rout was looooooooooong! About 400 meters I guess. But still there had to be a dark spot in my day. 6 patients were going home so it meant for me 6 beds to clean and do. And 6 is really a lot. But still I was happy. Last time an old patient was hugging me and telling me I am good person. His gratitude was most welcome. So good is to know that I at least someone thinks I am good person. Not as my mom...

That was bitter, wasn't it? Yeah. I have to work with that bitterness in me. Inside of me I knew she is good person and I would do everything to her when she needs me. Just I stull wish that when she has nothing good to say she should say nothing at all. And it could be permanent silence. That would make me happy thou. The silence is something rare with her. If there is not playing TV, radio and ringing both of her cell phones mixed with land line then she talks herself even alone... When she leaves from home I turn off all noisers and do enjoy the silence around me. Till Jakob arrives of course... He has got the genes from his granny I guess. A 13 yeard old boy should not talk so much! Oh, I am unfair with him, I know, I know...

It's 2 PM and I am sooo tired. The naighbour's carer passes from me, smiles and shakes her head. She is tired too. It's not harder only in our department but in their as well. I am happy. All 3 patients have came and found their places and most of the leavers have left already. I have managed to get all bloods to the laboratory and brought all chemicals from chemists as well. I had do just 8 trips in otherside of the building and now I could consendrate on the beds. I have done already a bed and only 5 is to go. Woohoo!

For almost at 4 PM I am finished all 6 beds. Done. I did get out my studyngs and set all papers on nurses table and took a place there. She was gone somewhwere so I did log into my email account and facebook...

D answered to me in facebook. He was asking what do I want to do and I felt behind teh question that he was laughing at me. I am used to be a clown so I didn't mind that either since he was also writting that if I want to do that then I should do that and if I want to that then I should do that. I wanted to do the other that. Sadly I was at work and didn't reach to my PC. I thought that I should send thanks to him and say that everything is fine now, but then again I did rethought. Maybe when I get home tomorrow I will find myself in situation where I actually didnt get help in any of those thats and then I should make myself a fool again with my next letter. Probably I wouldn't even mind that if it would be someone else but since the history of us I had no idea yet how should I really communicate with him or should I at all.

Of course I should! The feelings we had should not leave nothing there. I really want to keep the memory of them and it just hurts that there is jsut pail of ash beside those feelings now. Just wondering how long I am able to cheat myself. I do know that there is nothing much about it anymore. No pain, no compation, no intrest, no even memory about the feelings we had. Just a memory that we had something big but what was it? Just funny. Or actually more philosophic. That there could happen something better with you the previous thing had to end. Of course the end is something what no-one wants because human imagination is really poor. I had to live to 32 years old before I did realize that when something does end then something will start. It makes me smile now when I think that I knew on the same hour that it is improving of my life when I actually was in pain of newborn. Also I saw why my previous relationships were good for my person. And I am really grateful for all of that to God. I feel somehow that I can see larger picture now about whoule of my life. Not all of course, but also not only the secment what is just infront of me but larger piece... It gives me feeling kinda I am free. Don't ask free from what... Just free! Yeah...

But D is a cookie as I said ealier. I knew he will answer. And I believe my PC problem is resolved now. Just I need to reach to my PC ealier than my mom!

Crap happens...

I was sitting infront of my PC's empty desktop and trying to figure out where was the button what allowed to restore the PC back a week or 2. I was not angry. I was jsut a bit upset but not angry. I had have rough time last week - all the college and work what seemed to get harder with every new shift I appeared at work. The patients were more ill and it happened often when some of them died. The world is going down.

So no, I was not angry. I had just had harass night at work and really long day at the med college. I had to do homework but I was so tired. Kats called at me and asked can she come at me to work with an article what we had to translate from English to Estonian. But she said se will come a bit later at night. I just couldnt hold my eyes open, so I lied down to take a nap couple hours. It was half past 11 PM now and I was sitting infront of empty PC's desktop. There was running WoW on my laptop what needed to insert password. Hmm...

I could remember that I hear Kats to come in and that Jakob said that I am sleeping. But I couldn't get out from bed just. Kats asked can she be on PC and I mumbled trough sleep its fine. We were talking some more, I remembered but probably I just fell back in sleep after that. Now I just had lovely note on the table in front of me from her what said "Thank you, thank you, thank you that you let me use your Internet. You are very dear to me. Kats."

I felt guilty. How could she tell I am dear when I even didnt get up to offer a cup of coffee to her. And what about the artickle... And where the heck was that system restore button! I had looked for every possible place I could think it was and it was not there.

D! He knows stuff like that! And I just needed the hint where should I check. I could do all everything all myself.

"Hei, sorry for bothering but I hope you dont mind helping me out for my trouble. I need to turn history back on my PC. I have done it before so I dont need long explanation. Just where the heck is that history button where I can do all the other stuff!?? BFC", I did message through facebook.

I did wait. Yeah, I woke up and realized the time. "Get to bed!" Jakob was sitting on PC still. When I went to bed before I did let him to play his account Karliz on WOW. It wont happen often I let him to do that but today was the day. When I woke up he was not sitting on my laptop thou... He just mumbled "Something happened. Granny will be mad..."

What??? Jee... do I really needed that now! I was thinking on my mom's whiny face and histrionic sighs when she gets over all the topics how we should not touch her stuff if we dont care about them and how the life will theach to us how to hold things when we start having ours once and how she has to work all the time and so on. My heart was sore of that. I know she had done a lot in here life and she has done well. She has been a good mom... in some way. But why she could not see that I was trying as well? Why she couldn't drop me any good word what could help me on? I need to restore the system!!! It has to help me set everything back on the desktop!

I did check emails. Nope. He were not near of his emailbox today. Ah anyway. I did change the password on the PC so my mom will call me anyway when she wants to get on so I would know when the catastrophe was happening. Maybe I have luck and I can restore it before that. D will answer to me I know. He is a real cookie. But today... Today I am going back to bed and will read a book. I know I should not open it because its hard to put away again but still... Couple chapetrs wont harm. The college will start later tomorrow anyway. And I was curious was Bella still coming vampire or not. Whole that dance over becoming a vampire has last trough all the first 3 series. I hope that the "Breaking dawn" is last book in Bella's story by Stephanie Meyer... I really need to dedicate on my studings but the books have made it really hard. And the WoW as well... I am still level 73 and do envy otehrs on the lvl 80. Also there have been rumours about new expansion coming out where the max lvls on lvl 85. Oh dear... My studings will suffer =]

I hit the bed rather now...

Just can't be possible...

Christian girl loves muslim dog... :(
A lot...
She adores him, loves and hates him :/

Hah!!!

/me sings... Muslim dog loves christian girl, muslim dog adores christian girl! ;)

Sssssssssssssssss! :D