Oh, get up and go to move yourself! The McDonalds doesn't help much watch your weight!
I refuse to get up but my body drags me slowly to the bicycle. I haven't missed a day on it except the days I am working 24 in the clinic on Vallikraavi street. Today I am on Lina street. No patient yet. They will arrive on the evening or tomorrow some time on the morning. I have just stlept today. It is even good because I need to sleep full my missed hours during the week.
I push my bicycle out and start my every evening rout to Ihaste. I set on max gears and start crank. Jee, it is hard like life. If you don't want to fall then you have to move your legs. I called to Margo today. By accident. I wanted to text but double click on the Skype window started the call not message window. So what. Let I call then. He was home and alone.
Margo: How are you then?
Heleri (me): Fine. I just saw your message lately in Skype. Sorry I didn't react on it ealier ;)
M: So it is. You have forgot me.
H: Not true. Just have been busy. How are you?
M: Fine.
(I do hear him making some noice on keyboard.) Riho just told me MSN "hi capitalist". What damned capitalist I am?! He is just mad I refused advise him free. IT IS MY BREAD! How can come one Riho and expect I give my bread away!
H: He is your friend....
M: What f***ing friend! I know friends like that! YOu do once to them something good and then they think that he is just a Margo and he always will do everything! NO! It is not like that! I had 4 so said "sisters" who.. actually 3 of them who asked service from
(hmmm... am I that one sis who he left out? I do rise my eyebrows...) me and we had official agreement how much they have to pay for that and they haven't.
H: Ok, ok! I got your point. I hope you had some of your moods and you were joking with him.
M: No I was not. I really mean it!
H: Heaven sake! You sound like an old man I was talking yesterday! He thinks he is navel of the world because he has a farm somewhere in Texas where is so much land that he rides 2 days from one side to other with horse. That it makes him the king because he has 40 full time workers and 25 part time workers and only thing what matters is the money he has. And how he hates christians and would put all christian women pregnant without no DNA test for them!
M (laughs): Do not compare me with that old man. I just wanted to make my point that I don't need relatives like that. Why should I advise some one without getting paid for that?
H: Hmm.. how much do i own you for your current time I do waste?
M: Don't start you too. I can see there is sitting otherside of PC another socialist! Tell me would you give me 500 krones just like that?
H: I would if I would have.
(I have half-smile on my face. We have started conversation with such passion!) M: Jee, another socialist is the Rihos lifemate. She also tells crap like that! Would you give 500 to me every months!? Just like that?
H: I am not an socialist! I would give it to you when I would know you really need it. If you get food for that 500 krones or pair of trausers. Why should I give it to you without that? Although I do see your point I still don't understand what costs you an advise for a friend???! Ah!
M: Oh dear, I can't find a friend from you too!
H: Jee, do I have to lick your ass when I am your friend? If you need friends who kiss your butt and who watch into your mouth like you would spit gold out from there and say "Yes, master!" after every your sentence then you should call to Riho!
M: He doesn't lick my ass also anymore... Oh, I have drilled them here. I told to Rihos sister who is working in a shop that there is no point to stay into the shop for whole her life. She should do something with her life. Oh dear, she got mad! It is alway so when you care and try to change their lives that they would climp out from the s**t they are...
H: Oh great! You think you have right to critisize everyones life like that? You just will spit out everything what your saliva brings on your toungue and you hope they will be thankful for that? You do lose all your friends with attitude like that...
Oh, I passed from the street I had to turn down! I turn aroun thoughtfully and 
start cranking back along the road I rode. The old lady still sits in the bus stop. Probably she thinks I am wierd. i just passed from her and now i am going back. But it means nothing for me. I want to turn out from the street Age showed me day before yesterday. She didn't want to make bigger circle because she was not ready for spontanneous decision like that. I don't need to plan my life in so small details so I may go and see what the area is showing to me. M: Jee, Heleri! I don't need friends like that. When I am in troble then I will be there anyway alone. Then doesn't help me anyone. Why should I help them then?
H: You know, I really do see your point but I am too much christian for that. You need ask help to get it. Often people around you don't understand you need help.
M: Of course I do ask when I need it but they can't help me anyway. They don't have that power.
H: Right! Let's put all christian pregnant and kill them too!
M: Do not worry. There will come a day when I make baby for you too!
H: Oh, yes! Sex of mercy!
M (laughs)
: Ha-ha-haa! Sex of mercy.... Are you really now so christian...
H: Yes I am.
M: Are you happy with that?
H: Yes I am.
I do smile and think on my life. The area is really beautiful. Small houses and amasing gardens. Just like little paradise. The best place where let your thoughts to run... I really am happy. I feel so alive and active and useful. I have everything I need to go on. I have my job, I have my studings, I have my plans and wish to go on, I have time for riding with bicycle and now and then go to blade with roller blades. I am fall in love with my butt (it may be big for someone but they don't know how big it was before...), I do have social life in church and out of it, I do have friends and I like a guy... Yeah, I do like the guy but that's not so good actually. I am not ready to get involved any serios relationship yet. I would take brake for 4 years about ;o) Till I have my studies. I need my heart there but when I am in love I lose my heart totally and it may ruin my plans so dear God, let us be just good friends and keep my heart beating too quickly for him. I will give it all to you to lead.
But I am laughing. Hard to understand why. Maybe because I don't know what else to do... or do I try to hide something? And what about God... I am watching at Him and still losing connection... Do I care about that at all... I am standing outside in cold darkness. Everywhere around me are lighted windows where I may see lives of others. Like theatre of shadows... Life! Everwhere. I would like to suck it all inside me... But I am feeded with rats just. To keep me alive... Perhaps I should wait sunrise? Perhaps....
