Sunday, November 23, 2008

I could die for beauty like I saw...

I was invited to Rakvere yesterday by Madis. He told that his and Margo's business has 3rd birthday and they just will plan simple sitting together. I was invited :) And I was allowed to take a friend with so I called Kadri. She was just there and she is fun. We left from Tartu about at 2PM on Satturday afternoon and weather was great. It had to be an one and half hour long way to Rakvere so we prepeared for that trip. We took with our own duvets and pillows. Sadly we didn't get mattress but we both were agree that one day on the floor is survivable.

The invite told about the plans of the evening that we will watch a horror movie and then we will go to walk into craveyard. Hmm... should we count it as something romantic? :)

What more futher on that more the eart went whiter. There was some snow in Tartu as well but what more closer to Rakvere we realized that we were not seen the snow this year yet... The nature was just amazing. Although it all seemed black-white-grey it was so powerful emotion what it gave. The killing beauty. Cold and sparkling. The trees every branch was covered with white puffy cold flour like frame for black wood. And then suddenly was there black stripe on the white feeld and a bit later we saw lights and recpgnized a tractor behind the lights who was ploughing the feeld! We watched at eachother and bursted to laugh. That kind of interruption in that beauty was just totally funny. The poor guy didn't expect the snow so early and he was so late with his works. But well... better later than never.

We were drive already 2 hours when we got to Järva-Jaani and realized that we were lost. Rakvere is quite large place so we thought there had to be some signs to point on Rakvere but we couldn't see any. In Järva-Jaani we didn't know what side we should go on so I took the phone and called to Madis-boy. He were asking over where we were. He was asking from Margo how do lead us on the right road. I asked him to give the phone to Margo to avoid misunderstandings and he asked us to find a way to a place what name I can't remember at the moment. No signs of course. But we asked from an middle age lady how do we get there and voila we got on the road again. When we got on the place Margo leaded us we called back. He gave us some more directions to go on till the crossroad where is sign what points to Rakvere and then just turn away there.

We got on T-crossroad and of course, no signs. But we decided to ask from girls standing on the crossroad and they asked us to take on. They knew the direction where Rakvere stayed so that was cool. Wew took them with and let them out on the roundebound before Rakvere. They were going to Tallinn. There was lots of snow on the roads and snowing more. Brave girls... But in the same they excited me! I have most of my life hitchhiked and I love to trip like that. Kadri didn't. But that's fine. People are different.

Finally Rakvere. We drove in and the road splitted. Jee... where now? We took the direction to the centrum. Oh dear how beautiful it all were. The snow, snow, snow... Everywhere! And really alot! I wanted to make pictures but it was already dark and my camera is not very good in circumstances like that. We decided to take pictures next day.

After we called to Madis again he directed us fine enough to his appartment. We parked the car and took some of our stuff. My new laptop and cake and our handbags. The sleeping stuff stayed into car this moment. We were there! The last ones who arrived but still there. Margo was with his life mate Anu. I were seen her picture before and now I saw her face to face. Why Margo was cheating her with others I just didn't understand... And then were Õnne there. The womean who I had hear so much from Madis. His older friend :) Oh and Madis himself of course. Mostly we were there because we wanted to give company to him during his hard time with his wife who just moved to live to her parents again and told to Madis she doesn't know what she feels for him. Well, at least we got to know a day ago that she still feels jealous for him :)

After getting to know people we didn't know whe started watching the movie called "The Risen". Passed 5...10...15... minutes and I lost hope it is going to be better as it was. I couldn't understand the story line. And I couldn't find anything scary as well... Finally in the middle somewhere was teh scene when the women in mine roll was watching into the mirror and for a moment there plinked her face as pale dead women with inside out eyes... The roaring laugh what breaked out from our throats. It was just so comish that after so long and boring half movie was the scariest place there just a reflection on mirror what lasted fraction of a second. That was sign for us that the we were finished with the movie... We watched the end quickly to understand the storyline. Discussion was just one - we were really amazed how was it possible to make a full time movie from something what could last max 5 minutes.

The next thing in our agenda was the walk in craveyard... or just walking around in Rakvere :) That was much better. Although I was ill and my wasn't smart enough in chosing my clothes I took part of it. Oh that was so amazing walk. Oh dear how much I missed to share it with someone very special! I really did... Good that Kadri was there. We coudl admire the snow on the branches and on the bushes and on the trees. We could gasp the beauty of the snowed parks and gardens inside us together. We could stand and stare the dark sky and the white brancehs reaching into them. It was so beautiful that it did hurt. I am so sorry i didn't made very much pictures because probably I wont see something so powerful long time again...

Margo throwed some snowballs toward me. :) I throwed some back... we climbed on kids playing place on some climbing frame made of ropes. And then we returned home. It was over midnight. I was wet and frozen. I wrapped myself into blanket and had tea. Most of them did it. They had some rum to drink and we were just talking. Everyone was prepearing to go to bed when Madis wanted to go to walk again. Only Õnne went with him... :) I asked a pack of playcards and I asked does someone plays with me "potiknoi" (a card came). And that the game would have some adrenalin in it then the loser had to wash the kichen floor. I lost the first game and I did wash the floor. Kadr lost the next game and washed the coridore. Because of late hour we didn't want to start vacuum the carpets so I teached some otehr games to them. First we played the lying. Exciting game :) As it was also Jüri and Mari. The last one was a bit noisy because you had to call Jüri or Mari in pursuance of a jack or a queen. And of course the laughings when player saluted or hitted wrong cards.

It was about 4 am when we decided to get bed. Madis and Õnne was not back yet. We were sleeping on the same room. I had no sleep so I asked Kadri to tell me a fairytale. She picked a story about The Bun who escaped from everyone. I could not comment about the way how the bunn "pani pakku" for everyone. The estonian expression has ambiguous meaning beside "turn tail" and what could mean as well sexual intercourse with a butt block... Finally we tried to think out who did not "turn tail" then at all... Snowwhite did... Cindirella did as well... The Little Red Hat (?) did as well...

We woke at 10 on the morning because Kadri phone was ringing... There was snowstorm outsiden and I did realized we never go back to walk that I could take some pictures in daylight... Madis came with us. The road was really bad. Mostly we could see till 10-15 meters but there was momentst we barely could see in 3 meteres... We drove with 40 km/hour and it was quite funny till we met another car...

Monday, November 10, 2008

There I go...

I am here and I am anxious ;)

It just confirms the fact that diary type of blogs and other posts are just for time when you are sad or hutring. Or just a bit out. Ańd today it is me.

Already several months I am doing very well. Sometimes I catch myself on the thought that maybe I have just tried to find comfort from the things under what I have burried myself but no. I am enjoying myself every moment till today :)
Well... I do enjoy myself today too. Just the song I found... I have listened it over and over. And even there was no meaning for me in the message itself then the tune cought me first and with every new circle the words are buring deeper inside my soul and I am looking where should I fit the melody and words. And I can't stop it. I have standed middle of the room and sang the song with over and over again. It just wraps me in. Deep sorrow is in my soul.

In this place I just took right for myself to translate the words of the song...

I hold your hands, my darling
When your mood is sad and grey
Inside my given woolen scarf
Doesn’t feel the winter so cold
I pick you up when you fall
and won’t get up alone
I don’t care that there are snowdrifts outside
you will find warmth near of me
But have you thought or felt what will happen
When there is no me anymore?
When I will withdraw, when there is no me for you.

Maybe you think I will be forever
Like sea or indigenous greenwood
Or sky what is above our heads
When a drop of dew steams on the ground.
But sometimes I hurt as well, when I have to hide tears of mine
I know that you easily don’t abide the backround of my sorrows
Do you know how fragile is floss?
What ties me with you or life
And I leave for ever from here
Some feeling of cognitio takes me.
Have you thought or felt then what will happen when there is no me anymore?
When I will withdraw inside me? When you dont have me anymore.
When there is no me anymore, no me to you.
When there is no me anymore? No me for you.