Heleri: Hello! Don’t you call me already too often?
Margo: I just was thinking that I call to ask how are you.
H: Oh I see ;) I am fine. And you?
M: Well... I am just wondering here that there has to be recession. Where does it come my clients have no money?
H: And I already thought you are going to say you are coming to Tartu.
M: I avtually was this weekend in Tartu.
H: Oh I see... But you never thought to come to see me...
M: I just drove trough Tartu. We went with friends in the adventours park of Otepää.
H: Had great time then again :)
M: Yeah, I did...
H: You don’t sound very happy.
M: Feeling lonely.
H: Lonely? Oh and I thougt that you oink like happy pig again. ;) Where are your friends then now?
M: Pft! Friends...
H: You may always come to Tartu to have cup of coffe with me :)
M: One day. How are you? Have you got happy with someone already?
H: Happy with someone? Would you explain me what means „being happy“ first? In this part I felt how something inside me started tingling.
M: You know what I m...
H: Do you really think that happiness is something what you get with having something or someone? I really don’t think that I HAVE TO BUILT UP HAPPINESS LIKE THAT! You have everything – couple appartments, new car, life mate at home and couple lovers around, you don’t have to count your money... And you call me because you are alone. So tell me more about that happiness ;)
....

A Scream

I feel so alone. I am in a maelstorm of life and it all drags me with. But when I am in that whirl I still stand outside of it and watch it all like I wouldn’t belong there. I just watch how my physical body struggles there busy with not drawning and I even don’t care. I just turn away and fly over the city, over the forests and fields till I stand on the rock what reaches over the ocean. I stand there when wind is ripping my clothes and hair. The sky is so blue and a lonely seagul is laughing up there. I just stand there with the pain in my soul what screams out from me. I just rise my hands up on sides of me and scream. I am all alone there on the top of rock.
Begind me is green field and in front of me is churning water.

Yeah, that’s how I do feel. Psychologists could read out some mental dissorder from me if they could see inside me. But they can not... Who can at all? I don’t know how to show out that I am broken. That I am alone and lost. People around me rather ask how I do that that I never be down, that I always laugh and joke, that I am always so ... alive. And they even don’t know that it all is just a maquerade. Not always of course. But there are times I am so down that no sunshine reaches to me. I am so fake. I am so damned fake that I am not worh of any love. Why do I bother at all then... Why do I cheat people that I am an shiny princess if I am just the uggliest frog...

:(

First day back in college

„Is it raining?“
„Yes, it is.“
„Just great!!“

I do run out from the building of college and hurry to my bicycle while I stick my hand out from under the roof to feel is it still raining. Yes it is. And I drop my jacket at home on the porning when I came form work because it seemed really warm morning. I had just a shirt without sleeves. I have to hurry. And not only because of rain but because I need to pee as well. There are puddles everywhere. It sucks. I try to keep away from them. But it is more than obvious my jeans will be dirty. Out from the college yard straight on the street. Is it smart to bike on the street where cars don’t care about you when they drive trough puddles? Right. Straight on the pedestrian’s walking road. The rain is cold. No Pedestrian. I crank so quickly that I feel how my calfs are cramping. Traffic lights. Finally green. I cross the road and hurry along allee. Juhhuuu! Next traffic light is green! It has started rain more heavilly. I cant see clearly trough my glasses any more. Water is running down from my shoulder and my underwear is wet. No more to hold back myself anymore. I get up from seat and crank like nuts. Down from the little plump straight trough the deepest part of the puddle and over crossroad before the green light starts blinking. Juhhuu! Dear Lord, don’t ever take rain from us!! Let there always be puddles and rainbow and wet clothes to feel I am so alive. I maneuver around some ppl on the my way. They are not happy when I past from them with spraying them with water. Ah, take it easy! I am going home! Home... Today I have to be productive! Like yesterday? All windows were prepeard on for me going to be useful on PC but what did I do? Played battle in facebook and laughed like nuts. Maybe I am... No facebook today! Or... well, I have to pick up gold in my fairy garden that I would have money to water my wilted plants... But that’s all! Yes! Today I am productive! Finally down from Riia hill. I love that declicity here. Down! Down! Down! My hair are all wet and don’t flutter all. Because it is raining!! Rainin? Damn! My breaks!!! I need to get my speed down before I kill myself. Or even worse, someone else. Oh no, people are crossing the road... I can do that, I can do that, I can do that! I crank to get speed up again and hope that the light is.... IT IS GREEN! Now! Oh no those men are too close and seems they don’t see me... Scheisse! I take quick turn to the right and fly over street’s curbstone. Outch! My bum! No, you can’t see my pain because I know how to smile when it hurts!! All my life is just a big smile even when the pain is ripping little pieces from me. And there it is! Home, sweet home! And I am so wet...

My days of middle August

I am at work. It is half past 10 PM already and I am watching Top Gear. The patients are all in their rooms already. I am sitting in their dinningroom because the tables here were good for set up my laptop. Good for me behind the tabele actually. I am just sitting here and I don’t know what I do feel.

Couple days ago was raining but I sat on my bicycle and went to ride. Actually I had to go because it was only day then I could take my documents into colleges I were picked up ealier already. One of them was Tartu Theological Academy and other Higher Religious Seminar of Tartu. They took my documents in academy and were quite happy to see me. I told them that I have a full time job and a college and I was not sure am I able to apeal in every lesson they have. It was still 2 weeks per month mostly. They told they have other ppl as well who work and who have took a year off from school from some reason. I didn’t bring out my worry about the year off because it didn’t fit into my plans. I have 4 years just to finish those colleges. 26th August I will have essay at 10 AM and later (I can’t remember at moment when exactly) a conversation with them. I am quite sure I am in. Arrogants, I know but sitll...

It was raining stronger when I got out from there. Still the other college to find. I thought I knew where it is. It was in otherside of city. I had to get on my bicycle and... I got lost. I was totally wet and so lost. Happily there came one old lady who was also wet. But she was not lost. She knew as welll where is the building I was looking for and it was not far away at all. I got there and didn’t find the place where to lock my wheels. Finaly I found a post between too cars. Two ugly cars. But lucky for them they could stand for while next my beauty.

I tried to eneter from front door but it was locked. Hmm.. There were on the door that they are opened from 8 am till 5 PM and half past 2 PM it was just locked! I was wet and irritated. But then came a girl and opened the door. She showed me the direction where I had to go and I found an opened door. There were an older gentelman and a lady. They were really kind and smiling. The lady took my papers and asked when I can come to have conversation with them. I told that I go home and will call back to tell can I do that next day. And then I left. It didn’t rain anymore. I got home and called back. The next day was fine.

At 1 PM next day I had to be at the college again. So I dressed up into nice dresses, did make-up, put on high heeled shoes, took my handbag and ... sat on my bicycle. I felt brave. It is not city bicycle where you may sit with whatever you have on. I have still bicycle what doesn’t embarass you when you are on it... But still.. I felt really brave this day on it with all my accessories. Finally I was there. They asked me into back room, served tea and biscuits and then we just talked. The same gentelman I saw last day was the director of the college. Cool! He was cool! He was asking why I want to come into the school, how is arranged Bible study in our church and ... actually he didn’t ask much because he told me that he knows adventists as very aware of Bible. Oh and then he asked me the question what was more like a statement: „And you have read the Bible trough of course?“ EEEEEEEEEEWWWWWW! In this place I did lie. I haven’t read it through in way like we do read books. I have read trough most of it and I have read every book in the Bible but I haven’t completed them all. But anyway... I got in the college.

Day after that I was at home and cried most of the day. I was watching from youtube a Kelsey Briggs story in every possible way they had set up there and was just crying. I felt so terrible and so alone and I did miss my frog to comfort me. But I never wrote to him about that. Although it was really painful feeling sit there all alone and feeling grief in my chest and missing just a hug or just a smile from him I decided to not complain. I have done so well with my life. I have went on and I couldn’t destroy all of it during the weakness moment like that was. Enouhg from complainings. Not that I would be really big complainer at all but still... I know I do complain a lot. Maybe not for others but I know the fights inside me what get me down quit often. I am vulnerable enough to give out trumps for others to get more hurted. So.. that day I was all alone and crying and didn’t do much more. Ah, I did. I got idea to ask from my frog to analyse me. Why? Well... I am sure I am complainig too much so I just wanted to know am I really too. Some days later I wrote a letter to him and asked him to do that. He didn’t seem very happy. But hey, he has nothing to loose and he can be objective. Ja, I do like to get over from those rare moments I do miss him. Sometimes I feel really clearly that I have arounded with idiots and those days I feel really big need to be with him. I haven’t had success to replace him for someone else yet. Or maybe... Paul. He is too smart for his hmm... was he 27 or 30? I just can’t remember... But at least I know he has heart in right place. He is working out from Sidney at moment and comes online only during weekends for some hours. That sucks. I am usually off those days. In church during Satturday and at work on Sunday. He makes me happy in the way he tells his stories about his little steps to God. He is so in of it and so happy he has fond Him again. We have had some conversations about Bible and in some great reason we have never argued over differences in out religions. Oh sure!! We have had lots of differences but true is it that we should pay more attention on our views where we are in the same mind. And we have done so good in it. Arguings are not solutions. I got to know that already with my froggy...

This Satturday I woke up and was ready to go to the church when I suddenly realised that I had to be in Viljandi at all. I was shocked. How did I forget it. I checked busses, got dressed up and sat on a bus. The road to Viljadi went through Puhja. My sister lives there. And the they are renewing the road there. On really long distance.