My days of middle August

I am at work. It is half past 10 PM already and I am watching Top Gear. The patients are all in their rooms already. I am sitting in their dinningroom because the tables here were good for set up my laptop. Good for me behind the tabele actually. I am just sitting here and I don’t know what I do feel.

Couple days ago was raining but I sat on my bicycle and went to ride. Actually I had to go because it was only day then I could take my documents into colleges I were picked up ealier already. One of them was Tartu Theological Academy and other Higher Religious Seminar of Tartu. They took my documents in academy and were quite happy to see me. I told them that I have a full time job and a college and I was not sure am I able to apeal in every lesson they have. It was still 2 weeks per month mostly. They told they have other ppl as well who work and who have took a year off from school from some reason. I didn’t bring out my worry about the year off because it didn’t fit into my plans. I have 4 years just to finish those colleges. 26th August I will have essay at 10 AM and later (I can’t remember at moment when exactly) a conversation with them. I am quite sure I am in. Arrogants, I know but sitll...

It was raining stronger when I got out from there. Still the other college to find. I thought I knew where it is. It was in otherside of city. I had to get on my bicycle and... I got lost. I was totally wet and so lost. Happily there came one old lady who was also wet. But she was not lost. She knew as welll where is the building I was looking for and it was not far away at all. I got there and didn’t find the place where to lock my wheels. Finaly I found a post between too cars. Two ugly cars. But lucky for them they could stand for while next my beauty.

I tried to eneter from front door but it was locked. Hmm.. There were on the door that they are opened from 8 am till 5 PM and half past 2 PM it was just locked! I was wet and irritated. But then came a girl and opened the door. She showed me the direction where I had to go and I found an opened door. There were an older gentelman and a lady. They were really kind and smiling. The lady took my papers and asked when I can come to have conversation with them. I told that I go home and will call back to tell can I do that next day. And then I left. It didn’t rain anymore. I got home and called back. The next day was fine.

At 1 PM next day I had to be at the college again. So I dressed up into nice dresses, did make-up, put on high heeled shoes, took my handbag and ... sat on my bicycle. I felt brave. It is not city bicycle where you may sit with whatever you have on. I have still bicycle what doesn’t embarass you when you are on it... But still.. I felt really brave this day on it with all my accessories. Finally I was there. They asked me into back room, served tea and biscuits and then we just talked. The same gentelman I saw last day was the director of the college. Cool! He was cool! He was asking why I want to come into the school, how is arranged Bible study in our church and ... actually he didn’t ask much because he told me that he knows adventists as very aware of Bible. Oh and then he asked me the question what was more like a statement: „And you have read the Bible trough of course?“ EEEEEEEEEEWWWWWW! In this place I did lie. I haven’t read it through in way like we do read books. I have read trough most of it and I have read every book in the Bible but I haven’t completed them all. But anyway... I got in the college.

Day after that I was at home and cried most of the day. I was watching from youtube a Kelsey Briggs story in every possible way they had set up there and was just crying. I felt so terrible and so alone and I did miss my frog to comfort me. But I never wrote to him about that. Although it was really painful feeling sit there all alone and feeling grief in my chest and missing just a hug or just a smile from him I decided to not complain. I have done so well with my life. I have went on and I couldn’t destroy all of it during the weakness moment like that was. Enouhg from complainings. Not that I would be really big complainer at all but still... I know I do complain a lot. Maybe not for others but I know the fights inside me what get me down quit often. I am vulnerable enough to give out trumps for others to get more hurted. So.. that day I was all alone and crying and didn’t do much more. Ah, I did. I got idea to ask from my frog to analyse me. Why? Well... I am sure I am complainig too much so I just wanted to know am I really too. Some days later I wrote a letter to him and asked him to do that. He didn’t seem very happy. But hey, he has nothing to loose and he can be objective. Ja, I do like to get over from those rare moments I do miss him. Sometimes I feel really clearly that I have arounded with idiots and those days I feel really big need to be with him. I haven’t had success to replace him for someone else yet. Or maybe... Paul. He is too smart for his hmm... was he 27 or 30? I just can’t remember... But at least I know he has heart in right place. He is working out from Sidney at moment and comes online only during weekends for some hours. That sucks. I am usually off those days. In church during Satturday and at work on Sunday. He makes me happy in the way he tells his stories about his little steps to God. He is so in of it and so happy he has fond Him again. We have had some conversations about Bible and in some great reason we have never argued over differences in out religions. Oh sure!! We have had lots of differences but true is it that we should pay more attention on our views where we are in the same mind. And we have done so good in it. Arguings are not solutions. I got to know that already with my froggy...

This Satturday I woke up and was ready to go to the church when I suddenly realised that I had to be in Viljandi at all. I was shocked. How did I forget it. I checked busses, got dressed up and sat on a bus. The road to Viljadi went through Puhja. My sister lives there. And the they are renewing the road there. On really long distance.