I'll survive...

I did fall asleep about half past 2 PM after I made myself put the book on the shelf next the bed. Bella had become as a vampire and my main curiousity was sattisfied. Only question was that what the heck was talking the next half book then now? All problems seemed to be solved with vampirizing...

But I needed sleep. I had to get up early on the morning next day. Or axtually I had to get up already in 4,5 hour today.

I didnt see dream on this night. It was not very hard to get up on the morning since I had good long nap in last evening. I had to go to work today in main hospital house. Suring last days it happened that people desired more to work on main house than in Vallikraavi. The clinic in Vallikraavi street has just lots of patients in really bad conditions. Just a carer and a nurs for 30 patient from 4 or 5 were really ill and needed lots of care, is obviously too much. People are tired and complaing.

But I had to go to Puusepa's clinic today, so I was doing fine. There was just 8 patients. Ah great! And only 3 will come. Thats great too because every new patient meant to me that I had to walk to otherside of the building about 3 times and the rout was looooooooooong! About 400 meters I guess. But still there had to be a dark spot in my day. 6 patients were going home so it meant for me 6 beds to clean and do. And 6 is really a lot. But still I was happy. Last time an old patient was hugging me and telling me I am good person. His gratitude was most welcome. So good is to know that I at least someone thinks I am good person. Not as my mom...

That was bitter, wasn't it? Yeah. I have to work with that bitterness in me. Inside of me I knew she is good person and I would do everything to her when she needs me. Just I stull wish that when she has nothing good to say she should say nothing at all. And it could be permanent silence. That would make me happy thou. The silence is something rare with her. If there is not playing TV, radio and ringing both of her cell phones mixed with land line then she talks herself even alone... When she leaves from home I turn off all noisers and do enjoy the silence around me. Till Jakob arrives of course... He has got the genes from his granny I guess. A 13 yeard old boy should not talk so much! Oh, I am unfair with him, I know, I know...

It's 2 PM and I am sooo tired. The naighbour's carer passes from me, smiles and shakes her head. She is tired too. It's not harder only in our department but in their as well. I am happy. All 3 patients have came and found their places and most of the leavers have left already. I have managed to get all bloods to the laboratory and brought all chemicals from chemists as well. I had do just 8 trips in otherside of the building and now I could consendrate on the beds. I have done already a bed and only 5 is to go. Woohoo!

For almost at 4 PM I am finished all 6 beds. Done. I did get out my studyngs and set all papers on nurses table and took a place there. She was gone somewhwere so I did log into my email account and facebook...

D answered to me in facebook. He was asking what do I want to do and I felt behind teh question that he was laughing at me. I am used to be a clown so I didn't mind that either since he was also writting that if I want to do that then I should do that and if I want to that then I should do that. I wanted to do the other that. Sadly I was at work and didn't reach to my PC. I thought that I should send thanks to him and say that everything is fine now, but then again I did rethought. Maybe when I get home tomorrow I will find myself in situation where I actually didnt get help in any of those thats and then I should make myself a fool again with my next letter. Probably I wouldn't even mind that if it would be someone else but since the history of us I had no idea yet how should I really communicate with him or should I at all.

Of course I should! The feelings we had should not leave nothing there. I really want to keep the memory of them and it just hurts that there is jsut pail of ash beside those feelings now. Just wondering how long I am able to cheat myself. I do know that there is nothing much about it anymore. No pain, no compation, no intrest, no even memory about the feelings we had. Just a memory that we had something big but what was it? Just funny. Or actually more philosophic. That there could happen something better with you the previous thing had to end. Of course the end is something what no-one wants because human imagination is really poor. I had to live to 32 years old before I did realize that when something does end then something will start. It makes me smile now when I think that I knew on the same hour that it is improving of my life when I actually was in pain of newborn. Also I saw why my previous relationships were good for my person. And I am really grateful for all of that to God. I feel somehow that I can see larger picture now about whoule of my life. Not all of course, but also not only the secment what is just infront of me but larger piece... It gives me feeling kinda I am free. Don't ask free from what... Just free! Yeah...

But D is a cookie as I said ealier. I knew he will answer. And I believe my PC problem is resolved now. Just I need to reach to my PC ealier than my mom!