Life is so busy that I fall to sleep on half word :) I can't even remember what did I want to say with my last post. Probably it was about how I did get my first baby girl in birth house. It was really great. The birth giver was lovely woman and the midwife Aili who was assisting me was just wonderful person as well. The baby girl born quickly and with no harm to mom. Totally unblooded labour. Lovely :)

But not the story was the thing I wanted to talk today. Actually I was one day thinking on writting down my biggest lovestory for my posterity could read about me and my thoughts and feelings. Sad that my granny never had possibility to put down her life... Well, at least I just thought about it. I don't know where should I take the time for that. I cant postpone everything into the time when my studings are over. But still odd that I got email from frog as well where he told he found some files with our past... Funny coincidence but nothing so rare. I have thoughts, he has files. Should I ask those files from him? Well.. actually I am not very much intrested about them. Not yet at least. Maybe one day I will. Hopefully it is not very late for that then. Just now I am just thinking to put down my memories about the time.

I don't have anyway all logfiles since latest years in our relationship we were talking. And no logfiles from that. Mostly I remember from the time that he was often upset with me and I was shouted at. Funny in it is that I don't remember any reason why I got shouted at :) I just remember that I was crying and he was explying strongly how some things should be. Did I understand him even then? Ha haa. I often think why didn't I tell to him to repeat what did he tell but probably it was because I didn't want to get all that lecture repeated again.

Nah, it wasn't so bad. He had always point in his lectures. Sometimes they were very selfish but he was able to make me feel alwas guilty as well. Everyone could make me feel guilty on thouse times :) It is sad i don't have those logs. It would be intresting to hear what did he want to say to me then. Yeah, it makes sigh. Oh man, how did I love that guy! The guy who looks very similar to Seth Green. Short, redhead and ... well, Green looks quite sexy actually :P Or maybe I just think now watching back on my feelings that my love was big? It happens often that we start idealize later what we had. But better to idealize than feel the dissapointment what could often happen when you start over. I still hope that it wasn't my biggest love. I hope to fall in love with the most greatest man one day and make him feel most loved. I know that I am ready for that now. With pain and with knowings what means to love. I don't have to study the feeling anymore. I know now what I have to do. And it will be always my silent prayer that I would find someone who would be same much ready to share love as I am, same much ready for the future where will be several adventures in. I know that :) When I watch back on my life then I there is things I would do other way as I did but I never can say my life have been booring. Huh, it could be poorer in some things but... all I have doen have made me person I am now. And I am better person as I was :) Yep, I can say that without proud in me, I am better. Not the best one! Oh, now. I never will get close to be the best one but only that I don't depreciate myself so much as I did. I have learned to love myself and with that to honour people's love for me :)

Anyway... I have thoughts. Will they come true will depend on me :)