It was really beautiful day. The morning was cold but very bright. Golden fall. The maple tree under my window is gorgeous red. I got out ealier than usual. Just wanted to enjoy that wonderful morning on bicycle. I was biking trough centrum of Tartu. It was not very crowded. My fingers felt painful cold when I was biking trogh park on near the river there. It remainded me the pain leading course last weak when we had to hold icecube in our fist and breath the pain away to get any clue what is childbirth pain. I started automatically breath like a parturient in pain to lead my pain off from my fingers. It worked. But it was probably quit funny for ppl because they turned their heads. That kind of breathing catches attention ideed.

Anyway, morning was nice till I fell with bicycle. It didn't hurt so much me but my bicycle. It works still but is somehow wrong... I have to go to service when I have time. If I will have it at all... I feel now that my left hand is sore and also my right tight. My right elbrow lost skin as well... But I am alive. And that's all what matters. I am very alive and doing emotionally well. Physically I am tired like hell :) And second night in row at work... If I will survive this week then I will survive always. Test tomorrow and prelinary examination tomorrow...

I will survive because I have God watching over me :)

I am pretty!!

I do feel as pretty too! :D I know it is important but for me it is important that others around me noticed that too :) I was sneaking to the morning worshiping a bit later and stand behind in last line when Kaarin stepped to me and told me "You look so beautiful today!" And I am not very close with her at all. I even barely talk with her! So I did blush I guess and mumbled some thanking words just. Later after worship I was downstairs again and waiting for Jakob when Joosep was passing from me and started conversation about a topic what popped up on the morning. And after that before he left he told me that I look really great today!!! But there were more people who were saying that. I even can't remember all of them. Helin told "You have changed somehow... Did you dye your hair? No... Are they longer? No... What happened with you? Haven't I seen you really so long that you have changed so much? You are really pretty. Are you in love?" Hahahaaa! Am I? ;)

I AM PRETTY!!!!!! And whole world has to hear it!!! :D

I have caught cold. I have sneezed all day. I hope to God to not stay ill. Although deep in me is little wish still to stay in bed for a day or two... Nah, I have no time for that. I have even no time to sit down and put down all good thoughts I have had or got. I do remember moments when I have thought: "Oh that's good idea. I need to remember it. I need to write it down later!" But I never remember later what was the good idea. Odd. I should get a notebook for cases like that to not forget. Next time I will forget my name as well... But time is flying indeed. So quickly that it scares me. It was just last Sunday when I felt really crappy and was crying and doing circus with letters to the Frog. It just makes me sick today when I think on it. I have been ridiculous. But I don't suffer much about that :). I have understood that even as a christian I have right for feelings. And I do have feelings. :) That's true I do miss the Frog but I have understood that he has nothing to offer me anymore. I had idealised him and he became as some mythic hero who I did love. But he is just a man. Like Mel Gibson. Oh, I do like Mel still!!! A LOT!! But he has lost his power over me :). Because even him is just a man...

I do know the Frog's life is not easy just now and I really would like to support him or give some hope. God sees I have tried that too. But there will be always an invisible wall between us "what does he think about me when I do that" from my side and "what does she wait from me again" from his side. And the wall will be there what ever how innocent and from heart coming are acts or words. So all I am going to do is praying for him. If he needs my help he can always ask. Is giving help acceptable for me or not depends on the reques of help itself. I feel somehow too free. It is a bit sad feeling. Like something is missing in me. Like feeling guilty... Odd. I feel guilty that I am not unhappy. That's really odd...

Feeling guilty is an intresting topic anyway. We were talking about it yesterday at women's evening after evening worship. People feel guilty for wrong things. When they should feel guilty they look for someone else to blame and when they should not feel guilty they are doing that. I am supper feeling guilty for wrong things! I felt guilty when I told to Anne that I am not continueing as Sabbath school teacher anymore because I have no time for that. I felt guilty because I knew it meant for her she has to start finding new teacher and it takes time and lots of efforts from her. But come on! It IS her job! Why I had to feel guilty for that? Find a cat now :). Well, I don't feel guilty anymore. She haven't found anyone yet but still.. my understandings have changed.

I am changed a lot actually. My time is filled up with thousand things and I am really amazed in God's grace that He have been with me and haven't let me to fall. I love Him for that and all my plans for future have aimed to Him. And that knowing fills me with happy-happy feelings. I just watch back in my life and see a person there who was laughing at persons like me now. I never believed that you can love God so much that your attention for other things on the Earth have gone. It is possible :). And yes, I am happy :). Happy and full of peace. There my be moments for sorrow and tears but they never rule me again.

My biggest fear at moment is that time flies. Oh heaven sake how quickly!! I hope that when I will be old I still remember something from my life! On this speed it passes too quickly :) I need wisdom from God to live my life without big mistakes. I keep doing them when I am in hurry... :)

Words into air....

It was good week. Busy and productive and a bit retrospective and even hurtful.

Weekdays:
The week started really densely. I was working 24h on Sunday. The shift ended on Monday morning when I rushed at med college to have my lessons there. They had to last till 5 PM. And I had to be at 3 PM in other college. I think the distance between those colleges is about 5 km. It takes about 15 minutes with quick ride there. Happily I let fix my breaks as well last week so I could crank till my calf were in cramp. I did stay a bit late but I made it still. I got there when everyone was talking and I had to sneak in and sit near to the door in very bad position. But I still made it! In the end of that opening told pastor Bob that there will come 3 classes - 0, 5 and 10 points classes. Everyone had to decide where they do belong and stay with the teachers who were running the class then. Although my exam gave me just 62 points and it made just 6.2, I still decided to join with 10 points class :). Since it was just discussion glass and I got for verbal part 19 points from 20 (it would be then 9.5 from 10) I thought I have right to be there. And I did like pastor Bob as well :).

This day I could not stay till end of it because I had to be back at work at 7 PM and the course ended at 7 PM as well. So I rushed away before it. Happily I have bicycle. The best thing I ever have decided to get for myself. I just would not have money for gas to drive with car. I am really short of it now :). But that is finally a thing about what I don’t complain!

Actually I am doing well with that complaining part. One day I just realized I do not complain at all. Oh yes, I do want but I am not a whiner. It was really big relief. And it has made me more confident and happy. I have worried myself sick about I am such a complainer and now… buff! And I am not one of them! How did I come on that? Well, one day I had my college friend at my place. We had to study but 2 women together… we were just talking about men. And then I told I am such and whiner and she started laugh and told she has always admired me that I never complain. That she has never ever heard me complaining! Then she told me that she is complaining and it was my turn to laugh and tell to her she never does it because it was so true. And then suddenly I did realize that whatever I am but I am not and complainer. And next day said another college mate to me that she admire me and that how I can do so much without any complains! Thank you God, that you let me to hear that all and realize that my only complains were complains over me complaining all the time :). After that told Martin to me that I am really great person and then I got couple emails from some pretty handsome guy who told me I am really pretty and they never believe I am single and they would like to get me to know more! Bah!! I have never felt myself better than during last and this week! (I never answered to emails of course because I never answer on that kind of flatters. And although I am single I prefer friends in IRL and IRC. From first place because they already know me. And from other place because they do not know me and don’t start to talk with me because of the pictures they have seen on Facebook or MySpace. I am picky :).) But all of that have done good for me. It has lifted up me being self-confident. I can breath freely now.

Continues!

************************

Thursday:
I had some lessons on the morning and then I had about 1.5 hours spare time so I did bike at home. Tomorrow had to be my last time to see my americans. Pastor Bob got really close for my heart and soul. I really longed to give something to him to show how much I appreciate his presence in my life. I had couple things in my cupboard what had really important meaning for me. But I needed to get rid off them...

************************

Friday:
During the day I was at work. 12 hours. It means I had to be till 7 PM. I hoped that I can go away half past 4 when I am finished. We have always let others away about this time when everything is done. No point to keep them there. And it is nice to get away earlier yourself as well. But today that other care giver was a bit upset. I don’t know why. But it was already half past 4 when she was not still gave any note to me I can leave. At 5 I told that I am leaving now and she told that I have today 12 hours with tone what said greatly that she wanted to keep me there longer. I felt how my eyebrows frown up and I was thinking that I will see that next time when she wants to leave earlier as well. But I smiled at her and told I know. She told after that it is up on me and she is not going to keep me there. I did left.

I just flied away. It was last day I saw Bob and others. And I had gifts for him. I got at college, lock my bicycle and ran to my class room. It was empty. Empty!? Under my heart went all cold. Ah but there he was then. All alone in “watering hole” – in the room we had some refreshments between studies. He hugged me and we started our lesson. Tiiu were in other group to translate because Annaliisa was late. First of all I gave my gifts to pastor Bob. I loved to do that when we were alone. It was more personal and I wanted to show to him how much I care of what he had given to me. I do thank you God, in it. He was the man I needed into my life to point out my wrongs there.

He was really excited about gifts. Or it is just a way for Americans to show out they are. He was showing to everyone what he got and we made several pictures. Hopefully I will get one day those photos and can update the blog. After the excited gift sharing part we read the Bible. We read the story about Amnon and Tamar. Really sad story in the Bible. All the lesson ended up me talking about my life and what do I think is going on there. I started from time I came back to church, how I got a job and went to college, how my heart got broken up and how I went into other college as well. What plans I have with my life and how I am not able to read God’s will in my life. He told me that if God haven’t close my ways then I have went right. He told lots of good things what did console me and after all he told me I am great and lovely person. … even if I hide my real feelings behind laugh :).

Then it was all over. Last song, last prayer, hugs and I had to run because I was already late to my church mission board meeting. I got there half past 7 PM. There were 3 of us – Toomas as leader of mission apartment, pastor Rein and me. We made couple of decision and one of them was to get together again next Friday to continue discussing about some of the decisions we made. It was half past over 10 PM I got home on this good and a bit sad day. But the Sabbath was almost there. The day I was waited for so long already. Great sleep and rest what I needed.

************************

Sabbath:
It was Sabbath yesterday. I really waited for the day. I had have really busy week behind and I was tired. I waited the Sabbath morning because I knew I can sleep till at 8 AM. But it was still too early for me because I got bed at 2 am. I was taking part in a channel op’s meeting as a guest. They had there and hearing for some ops who had abused their power on an another op and he was upset. So since I was asked to take part of it I did it gladly to please the owner of the channel since he is my friend. His name is Martin. He is really special person with his sad story of life. He I really smart. I call him as genie (not from a gin but genius ;)). He calls himself as a geek. Well, maybe he is. If we call as geek people who are with very high IQ, shy and alone still when they are 36. It is why IRC is really good. You let every kind of people become as your friends and later you really don’t care how they look like. Although everyone (included me) is talking about that what counts is person inside you than outlook you have we still do our decisions first about what we see. I like genie a lot. Although he is too smart for me and things what excite him is often too complicate and boring for me, he is still really great person. If I would not know he is not and christian I would count him as deeply religious because of the views he has. He is a looking outside person. It means he is unselfish and peaceful person. He have made me feel good as well and things what he has told have gave me idea that I am not such a bad person at all.

[13:16:27] LadyScapy: unbelievable how sad I feel today :P
[13:16:30] LadyScapy: eewww
[13:16:34] LadyScapy: it hurts :P
[13:29:52] EG: awww
[13:29:55] * EG hugs LadyScapy
[13:30:06] * EG doesnt want LadyScapy to ever feel sad :)

Part of a letter he sent me and others yesterday about that op’s hearing made me smile. He just quoted me:
’LadyScapy in my opinion put it beautifully -- "Remember that words are like birds. When you free them... it is impossible to catch them again. So.... husssss!"’

I can say openly that yes, I do like attention. But I have to confess that I like that attention even more because it is not cause of flirts or playing around. He makes me feel really warm inside and I am really sorry we are too different to become more than friends. His inside is really nice.

Well, but whatever happened early on this morning, I got up and dressed and were at 9 am in the first Bible study class. I have decided to attend every Sabbath in both lessons. At 9 and at 10. And if it reminds to me then I do watch it on laptop at 2 PM from Hope Channel as well in Internet. So I did on this fine day. Since I have ran totally out of money I made revision in my veggies to see what I can cook for today. I found some carrots, potatoes, turnips and a kohlrabi. I loaded up Hope Channel and turned it quit loud to hear it into the kitchen. So I was there… peeling and cutting veggies into pieces when I got phone call. Wow! Margo! It was always lovely to hear his voice. He called couple days ago but I could not answer quickly enough and had to call back. He never answered for the call or did not call back again. Now he was on the phone and he was in Tartu. He was asking how am I and told that maybe he has time later meet me. Yay!!! He was coming! Maybe… In 5 minutes later he called and said he has a bit time so he is coming now. The client he had to meet, could not do the appointment on the time. It got postponed and he came at me. Well, he was near of me anyway. He was in the hotel Dorpat near of bus station. And it is about a minute away. It was really nice to hug him again. We sat down and was talking till he got up. We were still talking when he was on the door and he told me that maybe he will be back later to see me. I was waiting for him.

I was in church when he called again. It was half past 6 pm. I told to Jakob I am going home and that he would come later home as well and ran home. The church is also about a minute to walk away at my place. He was waiting me in front of the house. I was happy to see him. He makes me always feel really comfy and happy. We laugh a lot and we have our jokes what only we do understand. I had possibility to tell him about how I am doing and I poured out all my grumpiness on him. Well, trough laugh of course. But it is only way I really can do that anyway. I told to him that I miss really a lot that someone would cuddle me when I complain about my life and he laughed but then cuddled me. He put my head on his lap and was stroking my hair during I was talking and listening him. And then he had to leave again. Thank you, God, for a friend like Margo. Thank you a lot.

************************

Sunday:
Today, on Sunday, I am feeling kinda away. I feel sad and alone and I can't stop tears running down from my cheeks. I know it is needed to feel even sorrow but I wouldn't want to feel it today when I am at work. I have to learn to deal with my feelings. But that's probably question of being alone. You have feelings you can't share with no-one because you are just alone. The feelings what you really need to share but no-one who would listen them so you have to just write them into air. But does it help?

My heart wants to explode. Love is powerful feeling. I am not able to kill it inside me. I was looking songs from my old emails what my frog sent to me years ago and there were letters from my happy time with him. I didn't read any of them but seeing the titles was painful enough. I did felt really deep sadness in me because of him. All the feelings I want to share with him, all the event's what is happened in my life - all what I want to share with him and I can't... It is really depressing. I actually know that he would say to me that I can tell to him everything but I am pretty sure he knows himself as well it is nonsense. You can't share yourself with someone who does not care about you. Does not care you enough to wish listen me with interest and compassion. For sharing you need closeness, not that someone listens you because it seems to be something what is needed to do. And that hurts so much there is no closeness between us anymore. So there I am. Writing my special feelings into air. The knowing that the moment of sorrow will pass is still comforting. Just why it has to take so long time?

Sometimes I just think that it was so unfair to happen to me. When the feelings did burst out from me I did sent an email to my frog with question "Why did you stop loving me?" and as soon as I pressed send, I knew it was so wrong to do. But when you are bubbling inside then sometimes it just runs over edge. It was embarrassing but I couldn't do anything anymore. He reacted as he had to. I have idealized him. And I although I know he has changed and lots of things he does does hurt me now but I in my retrospective he was caring and loving and listened me always. So I have made him as hero of mine. It is idealistic. I even know his bads but they have fade all away. When I even think back on his answer today I see how unfair he has been with me. He always told that we need to talk and I believed he does talk with me when he needed but he looked that shoulder from somewhere else. And most of all hurts that he blames me in it. In that long issue ago when I was looking a shoulder from somewhere else and almost broke up with him... And although my heart was so far away from him I loved him too much to leave him. Why couldn't he love me so much, I don't know. Why I don't hate him because what he did for me, I don't know... How is it possible to love someone so much at all, I still don't know. Am I able to give my heart to someone else at all anymore, I really don't know...

I locked myself into toilet today for crying and praying because I just couldn't carry it anymore. I know that God has plans with me and I am ready to give myself under His will. All I ask is peace into my heart and mind and someone who loves me and who I would be able to love. Yeah dear God, give me that someone and give me ability to love him as my heart is loving someone who won't give air for that.

Home!!!

Finally I am home! It is half past 8 pm and I am in pidjama. I think I am going to the bed any minute. I got headache about at 5 and it is still hiding itself between my ears. Probably from luck of sleep and unpropper eating. I had english course today. Bob is actuall 63. Has been pastor 30 years already. And he is... well, pastor. I like him. But to study from 8 am to 7 pm every day... It just has to bring up headache :) I will get early night today and try to get food sleep for tomorrow. Days are going so quick again. I don't want the english course ever ends... but sadly there will be last course in friday... I am tired. But so alright.

MY FIRST BABY BORN TODAY!

In fornt of class. The lector explained biomechanisms of birth and I had to be as a power of birth (it means that I had to press the baby doll trough mama doll's vagian... and it WAS HARD!). After the lector was showing to us how the baby borns couple times she asked me to show it as well and after that she was the power of birth and me as "midwife". So I got my first baby today!!! Class laughed of course when I rised my firstborned baby up and told "And the baby has born!" Good good good! It just means I can get a job as clow as well if I should fail as a midwife ;o)

Luckily God is with me.

I did break down today. I was just busy with my doings at home till I felt I want coffee. I got up and walked to kitchen when I suddenly felt I can't take it anymore. I just couldn't tale that emotional and mental pressure anymore that I started crying. I was just standing in middle of livingroom and I was thinking that I can't cry because I have contacts in eyes but I couldn't stop. My heart and soul are in pain and I am still grieveing of my past.

I couldn't take any step farther so I standed there and asked God to take my paind and memories. I asked Him to make me strong because I couldn't stand alone there. I fall on the floor and felt free to cry alone. Through the sorrow, tears and prayer I was just thinking how pathetic I am that I am kneeling there on the floor and crying. That I am so damned weak and wanted to curl up myself on the floor and never again to get up from there. But I did get up. I got back my strenght and I was up in 10 mins again.

I told that to Dave later when I was listening about his bad day. I don't know why. Probably only to say that I had bad day too but I am up again and not complaining. And all what he told me was "Poor you." Poor me?? Argh.

[15:11:21] n> how was college today Heleri
[15:12:03] LadyScapy> short
[15:12:07] LadyScapy> how was your day?
[15:12:16] n> crap
[15:12:29] LadyScapy> do you want to talk about it?
[15:12:41] n> just like every day
[15:14:14] LadyScapy> :)
[15:14:34] n> yep
[15:15:18] LadyScapy> then you have used with that at least
[15:15:55] n> always look on the bright side, eh Heleri
[15:17:21] LadyScapy> always :)
[15:17:33] LadyScapy> I was just crying 10 minutes ago
[15:17:41] LadyScapy> but feeling great now
[15:17:44] LadyScapy> so yeah
[15:17:52] LadyScapy> sun is shining
[15:17:56] n> what do you got to cry about
[15:18:02] n> is it still freezin there
[15:18:10] LadyScapy> just feeling as crying
[15:18:19] LadyScapy> tired
[15:18:24] LadyScapy> hopless
[15:18:34] LadyScapy> pain
[15:18:37] n> poor girl
[15:18:46] LadyScapy> I am not poor
[15:18:49] LadyScapy> jeee
[15:19:00] LadyScapy> you don't have to pity me
[15:19:05] LadyScapy> YOu know I hate it
[15:19:07] n> I am not
[15:19:14] n> I am sympathising with you
[15:19:19] n> so I say poor girl
[15:19:23] n> to sympathise
[15:19:25] n> and comfort
[15:19:33] LadyScapy> symphaty is same what pity
[15:19:34] n> perhaps its lost in translation
[15:19:43] LadyScapy> there is not much diferent
[15:19:50] n> lost in translation I guess
[15:20:01] LadyScapy> nah
[15:20:09] LadyScapy> rather thats me ;)
[15:20:16] LadyScapy> srry
[15:20:44] n> no need for sorries, girl
[15:20:49] LadyScapy> I hate piting so much just
[15:21:07] n> thats why I dont pity you
[15:22:22] LadyScapy> and since I have some prejudices about you and you loving piting then I just take it automaticly like you pity me too
[15:22:28] LadyScapy> but I am fine
[15:22:41] LadyScapy> I had just collapsing moment
[15:22:47] LadyScapy> but I did pray
[15:22:57] LadyScapy> and I really do feel better now
[15:23:00] n> oh dear, poor you, I wish I could help ya somehow
[15:23:10] n> I guess we all need some help
[15:23:10] LadyScapy> jeee
[15:23:23] LadyScapy> I hate when you say that :P
[15:23:39] LadyScapy> I AM O.K!!!!
[15:23:44] n> just retrain your mind that it is a sympathetic term
[15:23:49] LadyScapy> no dear or poor me
[15:23:53] n> not a pitying term
[15:24:10] LadyScapy> I hate that sympathetic tooo
[15:24:23] LadyScapy> symPATHETIC
[15:24:28] n> its empathetic
[15:24:31] LadyScapy> even the word sucks
[15:24:47] n> thats not the meaning
[15:25:01] LadyScapy> well.. rather do not use dear poor for me
[15:25:22] LadyScapy> I am not poor, I am very rich
[15:25:49] LadyScapy> I have possibility to cry and pray on my knees to get rised up again :)
[15:26:14] n> so just ignore you next time, ok
[15:26:21] n> how cruel is that
[15:27:13] LadyScapy> lol
[15:28:55] LadyScapy> how about saying that you believe I will be ok?
[15:29:17] n> ok
[15:29:17] LadyScapy> or that What ever is wrong God will carry me trough of it?
[15:30:12] LadyScapy> poor you sounds like "yeah, I am so sorrry about you but there is nothing what I or anyone else can do in it"
[15:30:20] LadyScapy> it doesn't give hope :)

I wrote my essay of enterdance a week ago. It was total disaster. I was so sure it is easy enough for me. For me who got 95 points form 100 my final essay couple years ago. 10 thems – there should still be something to pick, I thought. There were 12 themes and none to take. Good that lector said that we can write on our own theme as well. It gave me chanche to write something and if it could not fit under any of topics there then I could think out my own. But still.. my head was so empty that I heard how my thoughts had echo. I was sitting and thinking and nothing came on my mind. I had no good start for my essay. I didn’t had even any idea what to write about. I did wrote A4 sheet of nonsens and cross it all off again. And then I just decided to put down what I feel. So I wrote how I want to stand on the edge of the world and scream out my pain. About the hole in me and how to fill it up. I even cried when I wrote about it =) Sweet. I regeret it later what I did write. Because they told they use it during conversation with me.

There wre 3 men and a woman in the room. I knew 2 of them. Senior and Junior Hamers. Both of them are very respected vicars of Lutherian Church. The 3rd old man was unknown for me like the woman. Junior was asking from me why did I dicided to come in this college and where did I got information about it. Then he asked about my job. And then he asked from others, do they have questions. They were just sitting and watching eachother and had no questions. I had to call back half past 3 PM to get to know am I in or not.

My elder brother was at me. I was all excited and forgot to call at the time they asked and called an half hour later. But it was alright. They were still there and told me I am in. Yeah, I am in.