I have caught cold. I have sneezed all day. I hope to God to not stay ill. Although deep in me is little wish still to stay in bed for a day or two... Nah, I have no time for that. I have even no time to sit down and put down all good thoughts I have had or got. I do remember moments when I have thought: "Oh that's good idea. I need to remember it. I need to write it down later!" But I never remember later what was the good idea. Odd. I should get a notebook for cases like that to not forget. Next time I will forget my name as well... But time is flying indeed. So quickly that it scares me. It was just last Sunday when I felt really crappy and was crying and doing circus with letters to the Frog. It just makes me sick today when I think on it. I have been ridiculous. But I don't suffer much about that :). I have understood that even as a christian I have right for feelings. And I do have feelings. :) That's true I do miss the Frog but I have understood that he has nothing to offer me anymore. I had idealised him and he became as some mythic hero who I did love. But he is just a man. Like Mel Gibson. Oh, I do like Mel still!!! A LOT!! But he has lost his power over me :). Because even him is just a man...

I do know the Frog's life is not easy just now and I really would like to support him or give some hope. God sees I have tried that too. But there will be always an invisible wall between us "what does he think about me when I do that" from my side and "what does she wait from me again" from his side. And the wall will be there what ever how innocent and from heart coming are acts or words. So all I am going to do is praying for him. If he needs my help he can always ask. Is giving help acceptable for me or not depends on the reques of help itself. I feel somehow too free. It is a bit sad feeling. Like something is missing in me. Like feeling guilty... Odd. I feel guilty that I am not unhappy. That's really odd...

Feeling guilty is an intresting topic anyway. We were talking about it yesterday at women's evening after evening worship. People feel guilty for wrong things. When they should feel guilty they look for someone else to blame and when they should not feel guilty they are doing that. I am supper feeling guilty for wrong things! I felt guilty when I told to Anne that I am not continueing as Sabbath school teacher anymore because I have no time for that. I felt guilty because I knew it meant for her she has to start finding new teacher and it takes time and lots of efforts from her. But come on! It IS her job! Why I had to feel guilty for that? Find a cat now :). Well, I don't feel guilty anymore. She haven't found anyone yet but still.. my understandings have changed.

I am changed a lot actually. My time is filled up with thousand things and I am really amazed in God's grace that He have been with me and haven't let me to fall. I love Him for that and all my plans for future have aimed to Him. And that knowing fills me with happy-happy feelings. I just watch back in my life and see a person there who was laughing at persons like me now. I never believed that you can love God so much that your attention for other things on the Earth have gone. It is possible :). And yes, I am happy :). Happy and full of peace. There my be moments for sorrow and tears but they never rule me again.

My biggest fear at moment is that time flies. Oh heaven sake how quickly!! I hope that when I will be old I still remember something from my life! On this speed it passes too quickly :) I need wisdom from God to live my life without big mistakes. I keep doing them when I am in hurry... :)