Words into air....

It was good week. Busy and productive and a bit retrospective and even hurtful.

Weekdays:
The week started really densely. I was working 24h on Sunday. The shift ended on Monday morning when I rushed at med college to have my lessons there. They had to last till 5 PM. And I had to be at 3 PM in other college. I think the distance between those colleges is about 5 km. It takes about 15 minutes with quick ride there. Happily I let fix my breaks as well last week so I could crank till my calf were in cramp. I did stay a bit late but I made it still. I got there when everyone was talking and I had to sneak in and sit near to the door in very bad position. But I still made it! In the end of that opening told pastor Bob that there will come 3 classes - 0, 5 and 10 points classes. Everyone had to decide where they do belong and stay with the teachers who were running the class then. Although my exam gave me just 62 points and it made just 6.2, I still decided to join with 10 points class :). Since it was just discussion glass and I got for verbal part 19 points from 20 (it would be then 9.5 from 10) I thought I have right to be there. And I did like pastor Bob as well :).

This day I could not stay till end of it because I had to be back at work at 7 PM and the course ended at 7 PM as well. So I rushed away before it. Happily I have bicycle. The best thing I ever have decided to get for myself. I just would not have money for gas to drive with car. I am really short of it now :). But that is finally a thing about what I don’t complain!

Actually I am doing well with that complaining part. One day I just realized I do not complain at all. Oh yes, I do want but I am not a whiner. It was really big relief. And it has made me more confident and happy. I have worried myself sick about I am such a complainer and now… buff! And I am not one of them! How did I come on that? Well, one day I had my college friend at my place. We had to study but 2 women together… we were just talking about men. And then I told I am such and whiner and she started laugh and told she has always admired me that I never complain. That she has never ever heard me complaining! Then she told me that she is complaining and it was my turn to laugh and tell to her she never does it because it was so true. And then suddenly I did realize that whatever I am but I am not and complainer. And next day said another college mate to me that she admire me and that how I can do so much without any complains! Thank you God, that you let me to hear that all and realize that my only complains were complains over me complaining all the time :). After that told Martin to me that I am really great person and then I got couple emails from some pretty handsome guy who told me I am really pretty and they never believe I am single and they would like to get me to know more! Bah!! I have never felt myself better than during last and this week! (I never answered to emails of course because I never answer on that kind of flatters. And although I am single I prefer friends in IRL and IRC. From first place because they already know me. And from other place because they do not know me and don’t start to talk with me because of the pictures they have seen on Facebook or MySpace. I am picky :).) But all of that have done good for me. It has lifted up me being self-confident. I can breath freely now.

Continues!

************************

Thursday:
I had some lessons on the morning and then I had about 1.5 hours spare time so I did bike at home. Tomorrow had to be my last time to see my americans. Pastor Bob got really close for my heart and soul. I really longed to give something to him to show how much I appreciate his presence in my life. I had couple things in my cupboard what had really important meaning for me. But I needed to get rid off them...

************************

Friday:
During the day I was at work. 12 hours. It means I had to be till 7 PM. I hoped that I can go away half past 4 when I am finished. We have always let others away about this time when everything is done. No point to keep them there. And it is nice to get away earlier yourself as well. But today that other care giver was a bit upset. I don’t know why. But it was already half past 4 when she was not still gave any note to me I can leave. At 5 I told that I am leaving now and she told that I have today 12 hours with tone what said greatly that she wanted to keep me there longer. I felt how my eyebrows frown up and I was thinking that I will see that next time when she wants to leave earlier as well. But I smiled at her and told I know. She told after that it is up on me and she is not going to keep me there. I did left.

I just flied away. It was last day I saw Bob and others. And I had gifts for him. I got at college, lock my bicycle and ran to my class room. It was empty. Empty!? Under my heart went all cold. Ah but there he was then. All alone in “watering hole” – in the room we had some refreshments between studies. He hugged me and we started our lesson. Tiiu were in other group to translate because Annaliisa was late. First of all I gave my gifts to pastor Bob. I loved to do that when we were alone. It was more personal and I wanted to show to him how much I care of what he had given to me. I do thank you God, in it. He was the man I needed into my life to point out my wrongs there.

He was really excited about gifts. Or it is just a way for Americans to show out they are. He was showing to everyone what he got and we made several pictures. Hopefully I will get one day those photos and can update the blog. After the excited gift sharing part we read the Bible. We read the story about Amnon and Tamar. Really sad story in the Bible. All the lesson ended up me talking about my life and what do I think is going on there. I started from time I came back to church, how I got a job and went to college, how my heart got broken up and how I went into other college as well. What plans I have with my life and how I am not able to read God’s will in my life. He told me that if God haven’t close my ways then I have went right. He told lots of good things what did console me and after all he told me I am great and lovely person. … even if I hide my real feelings behind laugh :).

Then it was all over. Last song, last prayer, hugs and I had to run because I was already late to my church mission board meeting. I got there half past 7 PM. There were 3 of us – Toomas as leader of mission apartment, pastor Rein and me. We made couple of decision and one of them was to get together again next Friday to continue discussing about some of the decisions we made. It was half past over 10 PM I got home on this good and a bit sad day. But the Sabbath was almost there. The day I was waited for so long already. Great sleep and rest what I needed.

************************

Sabbath:
It was Sabbath yesterday. I really waited for the day. I had have really busy week behind and I was tired. I waited the Sabbath morning because I knew I can sleep till at 8 AM. But it was still too early for me because I got bed at 2 am. I was taking part in a channel op’s meeting as a guest. They had there and hearing for some ops who had abused their power on an another op and he was upset. So since I was asked to take part of it I did it gladly to please the owner of the channel since he is my friend. His name is Martin. He is really special person with his sad story of life. He I really smart. I call him as genie (not from a gin but genius ;)). He calls himself as a geek. Well, maybe he is. If we call as geek people who are with very high IQ, shy and alone still when they are 36. It is why IRC is really good. You let every kind of people become as your friends and later you really don’t care how they look like. Although everyone (included me) is talking about that what counts is person inside you than outlook you have we still do our decisions first about what we see. I like genie a lot. Although he is too smart for me and things what excite him is often too complicate and boring for me, he is still really great person. If I would not know he is not and christian I would count him as deeply religious because of the views he has. He is a looking outside person. It means he is unselfish and peaceful person. He have made me feel good as well and things what he has told have gave me idea that I am not such a bad person at all.

[13:16:27] LadyScapy: unbelievable how sad I feel today :P
[13:16:30] LadyScapy: eewww
[13:16:34] LadyScapy: it hurts :P
[13:29:52] EG: awww
[13:29:55] * EG hugs LadyScapy
[13:30:06] * EG doesnt want LadyScapy to ever feel sad :)

Part of a letter he sent me and others yesterday about that op’s hearing made me smile. He just quoted me:
’LadyScapy in my opinion put it beautifully -- "Remember that words are like birds. When you free them... it is impossible to catch them again. So.... husssss!"’

I can say openly that yes, I do like attention. But I have to confess that I like that attention even more because it is not cause of flirts or playing around. He makes me feel really warm inside and I am really sorry we are too different to become more than friends. His inside is really nice.

Well, but whatever happened early on this morning, I got up and dressed and were at 9 am in the first Bible study class. I have decided to attend every Sabbath in both lessons. At 9 and at 10. And if it reminds to me then I do watch it on laptop at 2 PM from Hope Channel as well in Internet. So I did on this fine day. Since I have ran totally out of money I made revision in my veggies to see what I can cook for today. I found some carrots, potatoes, turnips and a kohlrabi. I loaded up Hope Channel and turned it quit loud to hear it into the kitchen. So I was there… peeling and cutting veggies into pieces when I got phone call. Wow! Margo! It was always lovely to hear his voice. He called couple days ago but I could not answer quickly enough and had to call back. He never answered for the call or did not call back again. Now he was on the phone and he was in Tartu. He was asking how am I and told that maybe he has time later meet me. Yay!!! He was coming! Maybe… In 5 minutes later he called and said he has a bit time so he is coming now. The client he had to meet, could not do the appointment on the time. It got postponed and he came at me. Well, he was near of me anyway. He was in the hotel Dorpat near of bus station. And it is about a minute away. It was really nice to hug him again. We sat down and was talking till he got up. We were still talking when he was on the door and he told me that maybe he will be back later to see me. I was waiting for him.

I was in church when he called again. It was half past 6 pm. I told to Jakob I am going home and that he would come later home as well and ran home. The church is also about a minute to walk away at my place. He was waiting me in front of the house. I was happy to see him. He makes me always feel really comfy and happy. We laugh a lot and we have our jokes what only we do understand. I had possibility to tell him about how I am doing and I poured out all my grumpiness on him. Well, trough laugh of course. But it is only way I really can do that anyway. I told to him that I miss really a lot that someone would cuddle me when I complain about my life and he laughed but then cuddled me. He put my head on his lap and was stroking my hair during I was talking and listening him. And then he had to leave again. Thank you, God, for a friend like Margo. Thank you a lot.

************************

Sunday:
Today, on Sunday, I am feeling kinda away. I feel sad and alone and I can't stop tears running down from my cheeks. I know it is needed to feel even sorrow but I wouldn't want to feel it today when I am at work. I have to learn to deal with my feelings. But that's probably question of being alone. You have feelings you can't share with no-one because you are just alone. The feelings what you really need to share but no-one who would listen them so you have to just write them into air. But does it help?

My heart wants to explode. Love is powerful feeling. I am not able to kill it inside me. I was looking songs from my old emails what my frog sent to me years ago and there were letters from my happy time with him. I didn't read any of them but seeing the titles was painful enough. I did felt really deep sadness in me because of him. All the feelings I want to share with him, all the event's what is happened in my life - all what I want to share with him and I can't... It is really depressing. I actually know that he would say to me that I can tell to him everything but I am pretty sure he knows himself as well it is nonsense. You can't share yourself with someone who does not care about you. Does not care you enough to wish listen me with interest and compassion. For sharing you need closeness, not that someone listens you because it seems to be something what is needed to do. And that hurts so much there is no closeness between us anymore. So there I am. Writing my special feelings into air. The knowing that the moment of sorrow will pass is still comforting. Just why it has to take so long time?

Sometimes I just think that it was so unfair to happen to me. When the feelings did burst out from me I did sent an email to my frog with question "Why did you stop loving me?" and as soon as I pressed send, I knew it was so wrong to do. But when you are bubbling inside then sometimes it just runs over edge. It was embarrassing but I couldn't do anything anymore. He reacted as he had to. I have idealized him. And I although I know he has changed and lots of things he does does hurt me now but I in my retrospective he was caring and loving and listened me always. So I have made him as hero of mine. It is idealistic. I even know his bads but they have fade all away. When I even think back on his answer today I see how unfair he has been with me. He always told that we need to talk and I believed he does talk with me when he needed but he looked that shoulder from somewhere else. And most of all hurts that he blames me in it. In that long issue ago when I was looking a shoulder from somewhere else and almost broke up with him... And although my heart was so far away from him I loved him too much to leave him. Why couldn't he love me so much, I don't know. Why I don't hate him because what he did for me, I don't know... How is it possible to love someone so much at all, I still don't know. Am I able to give my heart to someone else at all anymore, I really don't know...

I locked myself into toilet today for crying and praying because I just couldn't carry it anymore. I know that God has plans with me and I am ready to give myself under His will. All I ask is peace into my heart and mind and someone who loves me and who I would be able to love. Yeah dear God, give me that someone and give me ability to love him as my heart is loving someone who won't give air for that.