I did break down today. I was just busy with my doings at home till I felt I want coffee. I got up and walked to kitchen when I suddenly felt I can't take it anymore. I just couldn't tale that emotional and mental pressure anymore that I started crying. I was just standing in middle of livingroom and I was thinking that I can't cry because I have contacts in eyes but I couldn't stop. My heart and soul are in pain and I am still grieveing of my past.

I couldn't take any step farther so I standed there and asked God to take my paind and memories. I asked Him to make me strong because I couldn't stand alone there. I fall on the floor and felt free to cry alone. Through the sorrow, tears and prayer I was just thinking how pathetic I am that I am kneeling there on the floor and crying. That I am so damned weak and wanted to curl up myself on the floor and never again to get up from there. But I did get up. I got back my strenght and I was up in 10 mins again.

I told that to Dave later when I was listening about his bad day. I don't know why. Probably only to say that I had bad day too but I am up again and not complaining. And all what he told me was "Poor you." Poor me?? Argh.

[15:11:21] n> how was college today Heleri
[15:12:03] LadyScapy> short
[15:12:07] LadyScapy> how was your day?
[15:12:16] n> crap
[15:12:29] LadyScapy> do you want to talk about it?
[15:12:41] n> just like every day
[15:14:14] LadyScapy> :)
[15:14:34] n> yep
[15:15:18] LadyScapy> then you have used with that at least
[15:15:55] n> always look on the bright side, eh Heleri
[15:17:21] LadyScapy> always :)
[15:17:33] LadyScapy> I was just crying 10 minutes ago
[15:17:41] LadyScapy> but feeling great now
[15:17:44] LadyScapy> so yeah
[15:17:52] LadyScapy> sun is shining
[15:17:56] n> what do you got to cry about
[15:18:02] n> is it still freezin there
[15:18:10] LadyScapy> just feeling as crying
[15:18:19] LadyScapy> tired
[15:18:24] LadyScapy> hopless
[15:18:34] LadyScapy> pain
[15:18:37] n> poor girl
[15:18:46] LadyScapy> I am not poor
[15:18:49] LadyScapy> jeee
[15:19:00] LadyScapy> you don't have to pity me
[15:19:05] LadyScapy> YOu know I hate it
[15:19:07] n> I am not
[15:19:14] n> I am sympathising with you
[15:19:19] n> so I say poor girl
[15:19:23] n> to sympathise
[15:19:25] n> and comfort
[15:19:33] LadyScapy> symphaty is same what pity
[15:19:34] n> perhaps its lost in translation
[15:19:43] LadyScapy> there is not much diferent
[15:19:50] n> lost in translation I guess
[15:20:01] LadyScapy> nah
[15:20:09] LadyScapy> rather thats me ;)
[15:20:16] LadyScapy> srry
[15:20:44] n> no need for sorries, girl
[15:20:49] LadyScapy> I hate piting so much just
[15:21:07] n> thats why I dont pity you
[15:22:22] LadyScapy> and since I have some prejudices about you and you loving piting then I just take it automaticly like you pity me too
[15:22:28] LadyScapy> but I am fine
[15:22:41] LadyScapy> I had just collapsing moment
[15:22:47] LadyScapy> but I did pray
[15:22:57] LadyScapy> and I really do feel better now
[15:23:00] n> oh dear, poor you, I wish I could help ya somehow
[15:23:10] n> I guess we all need some help
[15:23:10] LadyScapy> jeee
[15:23:23] LadyScapy> I hate when you say that :P
[15:23:39] LadyScapy> I AM O.K!!!!
[15:23:44] n> just retrain your mind that it is a sympathetic term
[15:23:49] LadyScapy> no dear or poor me
[15:23:53] n> not a pitying term
[15:24:10] LadyScapy> I hate that sympathetic tooo
[15:24:23] LadyScapy> symPATHETIC
[15:24:28] n> its empathetic
[15:24:31] LadyScapy> even the word sucks
[15:24:47] n> thats not the meaning
[15:25:01] LadyScapy> well.. rather do not use dear poor for me
[15:25:22] LadyScapy> I am not poor, I am very rich
[15:25:49] LadyScapy> I have possibility to cry and pray on my knees to get rised up again :)
[15:26:14] n> so just ignore you next time, ok
[15:26:21] n> how cruel is that
[15:27:13] LadyScapy> lol
[15:28:55] LadyScapy> how about saying that you believe I will be ok?
[15:29:17] n> ok
[15:29:17] LadyScapy> or that What ever is wrong God will carry me trough of it?
[15:30:12] LadyScapy> poor you sounds like "yeah, I am so sorrry about you but there is nothing what I or anyone else can do in it"
[15:30:20] LadyScapy> it doesn't give hope :)