Walking On Air by Kerli

There's a little creepy house
In a little creepy place
Little creepy town
In a little creepy world
Little creepy girl
With her little creepy face
Saying funny things that you have never heard

Do you know what it's all about
Are you brave enough to figure out
Know that you could set your world on fire
If you are strong enough to leave your doubts

Feel it. Breathe it. Believe it.
And you'll be walking on air.
Go try. Go fly. So high
And you'll be walking on air
You feel this unless you kill this
Go on and you're forgiven
I knew that
I could feel that
I feel like
I am walking on air

She has a little creepy cat
And a little creepy bat
Little rocking chair and an old blue hat
That little creepy girl. Oh she loves to sing.
She has a little gift - An amazing thing
With her little funny eyes of hazel
With her little funny old blue hat
She will go and set the world on fire
No one ever thought she could do that

Feel it. Breathe it. Believe it.
And you'll be walking on air.
Go try. Go fly. So high
And you'll be walking on air
You feel this unless you kill this
Go on and you're forgiven
I knew that
I could feel that
I feel like
I am walking on air

Flitter up
and Hover down
Be all around
Be all around

You know that I love you, go on...

Feel it. Breathe it. Believe it.
And you'll be walking on air.
Go try. Go fly. So high
And you'll be walking on air
You feel this unless you kill this
Go on and you're forgiven
I knew that
I could feel that
I feel like
I am walking on air

I am walking on air...

I'm Free

Don't grieve for me for now I'm free,
I'm following the path God laid for me.
I took his hand when I heard him call,
I turned my back and left it all.
I could not stay another day
To laugh, to love, to work or play.
Tasks left undone will stay that way,
I found that peace at close of day.
If my parting has left a void
Then fill it with remembered joy
A friendship shared, a laugh a kiss,
Ah yes, these things I, too, will miss.
But not burdened with times of sorrow,
I wish you the sunshine of tomorrow.
My life has been full, I've savored much.
Good friends, good times, a loved ones touch.
Perhaps my time seemed all to brief
Don't lengthen it now with undue grief,
Lift up you hearts and share with me,
God wanted me now,
He set me free.

~~Author Unknown

Do not stand at my grave and weep.

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sun on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starlight at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there; I did not die.

~~Mary Frye

*********************************

Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there, I do not sleep.

I am the song that will never end.
I am the love of family and friend.
I am the child who has come to rest
In the arms of the Father who knows him best.

When you see the sunset fair,
I am the scented evening air.
I am the joy of a task well done.
I am the glow of the setting sun.

Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there, I do not sleep.
(Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there, I did not die!

~~Wilbur Skeels (1996)

About love

Love is something what will be there when being in love is gone. Love is like roots of trees and when crush has passed we may see are the roots related to not fall apart. Thats not love when you lay on your bed at nights and dream about how he covers your body with kisses. That's not love what makes you crazy when you are in his embrace what makes your body give off waves of heat or makes have your heart in your mouth. Love is what will stay after flames of crush. When the fire have burned down then all what will be there is gray everyday. And if you feel that in that gray existing you still want to be with your beloved one, you still want to make food to him or clean up his loundry, then that's the love. Nothing very beautiful, nothing so sublimate...

****************

- When I was deaf, life was beautiful. I didn't hear how my wife was nagging with me. Now is my life as hell. Put the pea back into my ear. I want to be deaf again.
- Do you love your wife? If you do love your wife then be nice with her. Bring firewood inside before she asks. When she feels cold, put a blanket on her shoulders. When you are on the field then biring a flower to her every time you come from there...
- Does it mean that you won't put the pea back into my ear?

Bio: You look so beutiful with your long hair.
Me: Would you marry me when I would have no long hair?
Bio: You want me to propose you?
Me: I am just according your words when you said that 2 old lonely ppl suit for eachother well...
Bio: Dear, you have beautiful big heart what means more than whole beauty of models in the World.
Me: Good. Then you don't mind that I did cut off my hair...

Madis

Who the heck is Madis?

23, married, sweet... Someone who was very special for me. He was someone I could talk whole night along because we had something to talk about. Our talks were opened and full of laugh. I did read even a book for him! About Harry Potter :) He is second person in my life I have ever read a book... It was fun to spend time with him, hang around, discuss over issues we met. I did really cared of him a lot.

I called him as a friend...

And friends should forgive other of them has made a mistake. It is why the friends are for! They should care more than to the first mistake. People are doing mistakes. They are humans. So are freinds!

... why is it so hard then? :) I knew once a guy who told that love means growing. That you have to work for love to grow. That you have to talk to the one you love and share what do you feel... He teached me all of that. And I did learn it. I know all of it now and I try to follow of it... I did try to teach to the guy that forgiving is really important as well because humans do mistakes... he never learnt it. He could not forgive me. He could not forgive to himself as well. And do be honest I know it is so damned hard. I need to learn to forgive. Not easy wrongs but the big failngs. But it is so hard when someone spits in your face...

Actually I am really dissapointed and I can't over of it. I did expalin to him what I feel and why but even if he will understands all of it and regrets, then do I ... Oh yes, I can do that! I have to. Even if it is only because to believe it is possible to forgive. I did cross a line as well. I feel really sorry that it got him in trouble at home but I am not sorry for his wife... She just needs someone who would tell to her to grow up already. I know it was not my business but... but she is a real butt ;)

I do add my letters to Madis where I did appologise because of getting him trouble and hurting him with that.

:) I got a bit time to come here.











































I have no idea what should I write... :o

About Margo

He is a guy I call as my friend. I don't know why but I really keep dear him. He is and gentle man under his hard and cold core what says that "life is a flower" without believing it.

LOL... I am going to marry :)

That was a joke of course. But still... if I would say "I will" then I would be married in a months already. Just a funny how easy is life for black men. I love you and will marry you just now. Will love you rest of my life and will make you happy.

Will make me happy? ;) Who said I am not happy already now? Or who says that happiness is my aim of life? Lol... just lovely how blue eyed can be an man with so lovely brown eyes. He is really sweet indeed. If I would have more experiance with him than just half hour of MSN typing with cams then I would marry with him. If he would be just with right personality... I feel how my heart is beating stronger than I like it does. No time for getting involved any afairs.. Especially when it is so suspicious... Oh dear, I need a hug! MARGOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

*Ring! Ring!*

Me and my "what should I do list"

There was a time when I had another blog and there are some writtings of my happiest times and some from the most painful time. There I let my frog to do his wishlist and I had to do my own after that. But my wishes got over too quick after that and I never made my own wish list but I made my own "what should I do list" just to hold myself alive. Some of my "should" were a bit tied up my wishes too so I can count it as my half-wishes list. I don't know how is he doing with his wishes but I was checking over my lists (I made 2 of them - one before "big badda-boom" and one after that crash.)

WOW! :) I am so real! Or my wishes are so real. I have done so many of what I listed there. I am proud of myself! (Althouhg not very because there will come sin from pride ;)).

"What should I do"-list vol 1

* make a list what I do want
* make a list about what Derek wants - DONE
* start translating stuff - DONE!
* go and techange my driving licence - DONE
* go and renew my passport - DONE (made just ID card because I didn't want to make passport before I had to marry. I need to make a new wishlist where I have to make a passport as well or i wount get over border. Oh dear! I really have to do that! Or there will be no Mosambique! :p)
* Bring my doc-s into a collage - DONE and in

"What I should do" list vol 2

* Find a friend!! - DONE!!
* Articel about a book I read. - DONE!
* Studings! - still DOING!
* Talking with my boss about advising smokers! - I never will I guess...
* Bicycle! - DONE!
* Sport club! With my new friend!! - Umm...
* The column in MA and editing it... DONE! and finished :)
* Finish dutch course! I think... DONE!
* Africa.. I need to weigh it in my mind and I have time about 4 years for that. - Amazing how life is doing. Now when I have no real matter to go there are most of my doings tied with Africa... It shows me how much power have our wishes. They wont come true when you want them because it just takes time but they will come true one day. It's why we have to be really careful with what we are wishing...)

Life is so busy that I fall to sleep on half word :) I can't even remember what did I want to say with my last post. Probably it was about how I did get my first baby girl in birth house. It was really great. The birth giver was lovely woman and the midwife Aili who was assisting me was just wonderful person as well. The baby girl born quickly and with no harm to mom. Totally unblooded labour. Lovely :)

But not the story was the thing I wanted to talk today. Actually I was one day thinking on writting down my biggest lovestory for my posterity could read about me and my thoughts and feelings. Sad that my granny never had possibility to put down her life... Well, at least I just thought about it. I don't know where should I take the time for that. I cant postpone everything into the time when my studings are over. But still odd that I got email from frog as well where he told he found some files with our past... Funny coincidence but nothing so rare. I have thoughts, he has files. Should I ask those files from him? Well.. actually I am not very much intrested about them. Not yet at least. Maybe one day I will. Hopefully it is not very late for that then. Just now I am just thinking to put down my memories about the time.

I don't have anyway all logfiles since latest years in our relationship we were talking. And no logfiles from that. Mostly I remember from the time that he was often upset with me and I was shouted at. Funny in it is that I don't remember any reason why I got shouted at :) I just remember that I was crying and he was explying strongly how some things should be. Did I understand him even then? Ha haa. I often think why didn't I tell to him to repeat what did he tell but probably it was because I didn't want to get all that lecture repeated again.

Nah, it wasn't so bad. He had always point in his lectures. Sometimes they were very selfish but he was able to make me feel alwas guilty as well. Everyone could make me feel guilty on thouse times :) It is sad i don't have those logs. It would be intresting to hear what did he want to say to me then. Yeah, it makes sigh. Oh man, how did I love that guy! The guy who looks very similar to Seth Green. Short, redhead and ... well, Green looks quite sexy actually :P Or maybe I just think now watching back on my feelings that my love was big? It happens often that we start idealize later what we had. But better to idealize than feel the dissapointment what could often happen when you start over. I still hope that it wasn't my biggest love. I hope to fall in love with the most greatest man one day and make him feel most loved. I know that I am ready for that now. With pain and with knowings what means to love. I don't have to study the feeling anymore. I know now what I have to do. And it will be always my silent prayer that I would find someone who would be same much ready to share love as I am, same much ready for the future where will be several adventures in. I know that :) When I watch back on my life then I there is things I would do other way as I did but I never can say my life have been booring. Huh, it could be poorer in some things but... all I have doen have made me person I am now. And I am better person as I was :) Yep, I can say that without proud in me, I am better. Not the best one! Oh, now. I never will get close to be the best one but only that I don't depreciate myself so much as I did. I have learned to love myself and with that to honour people's love for me :)

Anyway... I have thoughts. Will they come true will depend on me :)

My first baby

Today we had an intermediante

Christmas weather 2 weeks before the day

It was nice weekend with walking in snow. But couple nights with lack of sleep and last night without no sleep at all has done its work well. I am deadly tired and feel a bit sad I can't put it down now what happened and how did I feel or thought. Anbd as the history have showed even if I want I never will add later anything.

But that later is now here :) Couple weekends later but still. Meantime we have had a weekend with just Madis too. He is sweet. Fine friend :)

The weekend before the last one was sweet. I saw Margo and Madis at the time. we met at Kadri's place and stayed up during the night. I saw them getting a bit drunk. Nondrinker's vantage is the way to see how your friend get drunk and hard to say but it is fun too ;) But I think still that it is really boring to get drunk. You don't see others then anymore but you are just consendrated on yourself. But I am still lucky. My friends know my christianic views and they have accepted them.

Madis did try last weekend to make me to drink some alcohol with a lie but happily Kadri did told me before that I should not do that. I was watching Madis and asked could he really let me drink it and he was doubtful. I think he could. It was a bit dissapointing because friends don't do that. But we are not perfect anyone. I did talk with him about that and I think that he did understand what I meant. I really hope that something did change in hid life. He is really sweet boy and once he will be probably really nice person. He promised me today that when I will move away from Estonia then we still have Skype. Although we don't use it often after his wife moved home back. Because she just don't believe that we are just friends :) We are Madise's "whales" as she said :)

I could die for beauty like I saw...

I was invited to Rakvere yesterday by Madis. He told that his and Margo's business has 3rd birthday and they just will plan simple sitting together. I was invited :) And I was allowed to take a friend with so I called Kadri. She was just there and she is fun. We left from Tartu about at 2PM on Satturday afternoon and weather was great. It had to be an one and half hour long way to Rakvere so we prepeared for that trip. We took with our own duvets and pillows. Sadly we didn't get mattress but we both were agree that one day on the floor is survivable.

The invite told about the plans of the evening that we will watch a horror movie and then we will go to walk into craveyard. Hmm... should we count it as something romantic? :)

What more futher on that more the eart went whiter. There was some snow in Tartu as well but what more closer to Rakvere we realized that we were not seen the snow this year yet... The nature was just amazing. Although it all seemed black-white-grey it was so powerful emotion what it gave. The killing beauty. Cold and sparkling. The trees every branch was covered with white puffy cold flour like frame for black wood. And then suddenly was there black stripe on the white feeld and a bit later we saw lights and recpgnized a tractor behind the lights who was ploughing the feeld! We watched at eachother and bursted to laugh. That kind of interruption in that beauty was just totally funny. The poor guy didn't expect the snow so early and he was so late with his works. But well... better later than never.

We were drive already 2 hours when we got to Järva-Jaani and realized that we were lost. Rakvere is quite large place so we thought there had to be some signs to point on Rakvere but we couldn't see any. In Järva-Jaani we didn't know what side we should go on so I took the phone and called to Madis-boy. He were asking over where we were. He was asking from Margo how do lead us on the right road. I asked him to give the phone to Margo to avoid misunderstandings and he asked us to find a way to a place what name I can't remember at the moment. No signs of course. But we asked from an middle age lady how do we get there and voila we got on the road again. When we got on the place Margo leaded us we called back. He gave us some more directions to go on till the crossroad where is sign what points to Rakvere and then just turn away there.

We got on T-crossroad and of course, no signs. But we decided to ask from girls standing on the crossroad and they asked us to take on. They knew the direction where Rakvere stayed so that was cool. Wew took them with and let them out on the roundebound before Rakvere. They were going to Tallinn. There was lots of snow on the roads and snowing more. Brave girls... But in the same they excited me! I have most of my life hitchhiked and I love to trip like that. Kadri didn't. But that's fine. People are different.

Finally Rakvere. We drove in and the road splitted. Jee... where now? We took the direction to the centrum. Oh dear how beautiful it all were. The snow, snow, snow... Everywhere! And really alot! I wanted to make pictures but it was already dark and my camera is not very good in circumstances like that. We decided to take pictures next day.

After we called to Madis again he directed us fine enough to his appartment. We parked the car and took some of our stuff. My new laptop and cake and our handbags. The sleeping stuff stayed into car this moment. We were there! The last ones who arrived but still there. Margo was with his life mate Anu. I were seen her picture before and now I saw her face to face. Why Margo was cheating her with others I just didn't understand... And then were Õnne there. The womean who I had hear so much from Madis. His older friend :) Oh and Madis himself of course. Mostly we were there because we wanted to give company to him during his hard time with his wife who just moved to live to her parents again and told to Madis she doesn't know what she feels for him. Well, at least we got to know a day ago that she still feels jealous for him :)

After getting to know people we didn't know whe started watching the movie called "The Risen". Passed 5...10...15... minutes and I lost hope it is going to be better as it was. I couldn't understand the story line. And I couldn't find anything scary as well... Finally in the middle somewhere was teh scene when the women in mine roll was watching into the mirror and for a moment there plinked her face as pale dead women with inside out eyes... The roaring laugh what breaked out from our throats. It was just so comish that after so long and boring half movie was the scariest place there just a reflection on mirror what lasted fraction of a second. That was sign for us that the we were finished with the movie... We watched the end quickly to understand the storyline. Discussion was just one - we were really amazed how was it possible to make a full time movie from something what could last max 5 minutes.

The next thing in our agenda was the walk in craveyard... or just walking around in Rakvere :) That was much better. Although I was ill and my wasn't smart enough in chosing my clothes I took part of it. Oh that was so amazing walk. Oh dear how much I missed to share it with someone very special! I really did... Good that Kadri was there. We coudl admire the snow on the branches and on the bushes and on the trees. We could gasp the beauty of the snowed parks and gardens inside us together. We could stand and stare the dark sky and the white brancehs reaching into them. It was so beautiful that it did hurt. I am so sorry i didn't made very much pictures because probably I wont see something so powerful long time again...

Margo throwed some snowballs toward me. :) I throwed some back... we climbed on kids playing place on some climbing frame made of ropes. And then we returned home. It was over midnight. I was wet and frozen. I wrapped myself into blanket and had tea. Most of them did it. They had some rum to drink and we were just talking. Everyone was prepearing to go to bed when Madis wanted to go to walk again. Only Õnne went with him... :) I asked a pack of playcards and I asked does someone plays with me "potiknoi" (a card came). And that the game would have some adrenalin in it then the loser had to wash the kichen floor. I lost the first game and I did wash the floor. Kadr lost the next game and washed the coridore. Because of late hour we didn't want to start vacuum the carpets so I teached some otehr games to them. First we played the lying. Exciting game :) As it was also Jüri and Mari. The last one was a bit noisy because you had to call Jüri or Mari in pursuance of a jack or a queen. And of course the laughings when player saluted or hitted wrong cards.

It was about 4 am when we decided to get bed. Madis and Õnne was not back yet. We were sleeping on the same room. I had no sleep so I asked Kadri to tell me a fairytale. She picked a story about The Bun who escaped from everyone. I could not comment about the way how the bunn "pani pakku" for everyone. The estonian expression has ambiguous meaning beside "turn tail" and what could mean as well sexual intercourse with a butt block... Finally we tried to think out who did not "turn tail" then at all... Snowwhite did... Cindirella did as well... The Little Red Hat (?) did as well...

We woke at 10 on the morning because Kadri phone was ringing... There was snowstorm outsiden and I did realized we never go back to walk that I could take some pictures in daylight... Madis came with us. The road was really bad. Mostly we could see till 10-15 meters but there was momentst we barely could see in 3 meteres... We drove with 40 km/hour and it was quite funny till we met another car...

There I go...

I am here and I am anxious ;)

It just confirms the fact that diary type of blogs and other posts are just for time when you are sad or hutring. Or just a bit out. Ańd today it is me.

Already several months I am doing very well. Sometimes I catch myself on the thought that maybe I have just tried to find comfort from the things under what I have burried myself but no. I am enjoying myself every moment till today :)
Well... I do enjoy myself today too. Just the song I found... I have listened it over and over. And even there was no meaning for me in the message itself then the tune cought me first and with every new circle the words are buring deeper inside my soul and I am looking where should I fit the melody and words. And I can't stop it. I have standed middle of the room and sang the song with over and over again. It just wraps me in. Deep sorrow is in my soul.

In this place I just took right for myself to translate the words of the song...

I hold your hands, my darling
When your mood is sad and grey
Inside my given woolen scarf
Doesn’t feel the winter so cold
I pick you up when you fall
and won’t get up alone
I don’t care that there are snowdrifts outside
you will find warmth near of me
But have you thought or felt what will happen
When there is no me anymore?
When I will withdraw, when there is no me for you.

Maybe you think I will be forever
Like sea or indigenous greenwood
Or sky what is above our heads
When a drop of dew steams on the ground.
But sometimes I hurt as well, when I have to hide tears of mine
I know that you easily don’t abide the backround of my sorrows
Do you know how fragile is floss?
What ties me with you or life
And I leave for ever from here
Some feeling of cognitio takes me.
Have you thought or felt then what will happen when there is no me anymore?
When I will withdraw inside me? When you dont have me anymore.
When there is no me anymore, no me to you.
When there is no me anymore? No me for you.