I am out in Tallinn. Actually I am in. In Kristiine Centrum somewhere in Tallinn. On my laptop I have set my internet browser client so that when I open it, it will opens all my important pageses on this window as well. So when I will have time to blog I just need to find right window on the adressbar. I don't know the addres of my blog :) But my email post gets all my postings. And I can log on from there as well. So today I went to look for the blog site into my email box and ... I didn't realize that the amount of letters I get, is soooo big. Just amazing... And it is without spam!!! If I actually think back on how do I read my emails then I should realize it already ealier. Often I just check the topic and read over line. And I often have so much info that I never know anything actually. I get information from both colleges, from work, from church, from Estonian concil of midwives plus privat correspondence... Oh dear! I am busy bee ;)
But that wasn't what I wanted to say today. The thing I wanted to discribe was the converence I have been all day today. The Conference „Caring fatherhood"'s homepages discribes it shortly so:
"The central topic of our conference is what kind of fatherhood Estonian society should value. By including experience from abroad and reflecting the life in Estonia we will try to give meaning to different concepts of fatherhood - new father, caring father, absent father, good father.
We will discuss whether caring fatherhood could play a part in solving such problems as early mortality of men, low birth rate, high number of children in one-parent families, child poverty, the gender pay gap. Thus, we concentrate on what is caring fatherhood and why it is important to all of us.
The target groups are: policy makers, media, employers, women, men."
When I came here I even did't know why. I am a woman. My future job is based on women. I am single mother without any relationship. I have grew up in family without a father... And still I was going there. I was thinking it is my responsibility for my collegues in med colleges. I am older and wiser and know more so when they didn't show up intrest, I had to do that just. And also I did realize that behind my job, behind every labouring woman is a man as well. Mostly. And...
I am megasuperhypperhappy that I did came!!!! Whole converence was built up wery well alreay technically! We had votingpads (little plastig things with buttons) for gallups. We had hedsets and little transmitters for translations (there were speakers overboard as well). We had whiteboards for powerpoint shows. We had very well served coffee breaks and lunch time! And that was just technical side. Also there was really good speakers and topicks what talked about fathers roll - how it is and how it should be. Also about children needs and how women act. It was very informative and really good. The last sepeaker, Jesper Juul from Denmark (I hope it was Denmark) was really good speaker. He is an old man with good experiances and he was able tell hos point out with good homour. I could listen him again and again. He has a little conference tomorrow also here but it was only for family concelors.
After the conference I can see better men roll in society. Especially how important are they for family and also that... they have feelings too.
But now.. Margo have made me 5 missed calls already. I need to meet with him :P When I get home I need to make short powerpoint show about the conference for my college mates. Then I have more time to think about the conference..
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Walking On Air by Kerli
There's a little creepy house
In a little creepy place
Little creepy town
In a little creepy world
Little creepy girl
With her little creepy face
Saying funny things that you have never heard
Do you know what it's all about
Are you brave enough to figure out
Know that you could set your world on fire
If you are strong enough to leave your doubts
Feel it. Breathe it. Believe it.
And you'll be walking on air.
Go try. Go fly. So high
And you'll be walking on air
You feel this unless you kill this
Go on and you're forgiven
I knew that
I could feel that
I feel like
I am walking on air
She has a little creepy cat
And a little creepy bat
Little rocking chair and an old blue hat
That little creepy girl. Oh she loves to sing.
She has a little gift - An amazing thing
With her little funny eyes of hazel
With her little funny old blue hat
She will go and set the world on fire
No one ever thought she could do that
Feel it. Breathe it. Believe it.
And you'll be walking on air.
Go try. Go fly. So high
And you'll be walking on air
You feel this unless you kill this
Go on and you're forgiven
I knew that
I could feel that
I feel like
I am walking on air
Flitter up
and Hover down
Be all around
Be all around
You know that I love you, go on...
Feel it. Breathe it. Believe it.
And you'll be walking on air.
Go try. Go fly. So high
And you'll be walking on air
You feel this unless you kill this
Go on and you're forgiven
I knew that
I could feel that
I feel like
I am walking on air
I am walking on air...
In a little creepy place
Little creepy town
In a little creepy world
Little creepy girl
With her little creepy face
Saying funny things that you have never heard
Do you know what it's all about
Are you brave enough to figure out
Know that you could set your world on fire
If you are strong enough to leave your doubts
Feel it. Breathe it. Believe it.
And you'll be walking on air.
Go try. Go fly. So high
And you'll be walking on air
You feel this unless you kill this
Go on and you're forgiven
I knew that
I could feel that
I feel like
I am walking on air
She has a little creepy cat
And a little creepy bat
Little rocking chair and an old blue hat
That little creepy girl. Oh she loves to sing.
She has a little gift - An amazing thing
With her little funny eyes of hazel
With her little funny old blue hat
She will go and set the world on fire
No one ever thought she could do that
Feel it. Breathe it. Believe it.
And you'll be walking on air.
Go try. Go fly. So high
And you'll be walking on air
You feel this unless you kill this
Go on and you're forgiven
I knew that
I could feel that
I feel like
I am walking on air
Flitter up
and Hover down
Be all around
Be all around
You know that I love you, go on...
Feel it. Breathe it. Believe it.
And you'll be walking on air.
Go try. Go fly. So high
And you'll be walking on air
You feel this unless you kill this
Go on and you're forgiven
I knew that
I could feel that
I feel like
I am walking on air
I am walking on air...
I'm Free
Don't grieve for me for now I'm free,
I'm following the path God laid for me.
I took his hand when I heard him call,
I turned my back and left it all.
I could not stay another day
To laugh, to love, to work or play.
Tasks left undone will stay that way,
I found that peace at close of day.
If my parting has left a void
Then fill it with remembered joy
A friendship shared, a laugh a kiss,
Ah yes, these things I, too, will miss.
But not burdened with times of sorrow,
I wish you the sunshine of tomorrow.
My life has been full, I've savored much.
Good friends, good times, a loved ones touch.
Perhaps my time seemed all to brief
Don't lengthen it now with undue grief,
Lift up you hearts and share with me,
God wanted me now,
He set me free.
~~Author Unknown
I'm following the path God laid for me.
I took his hand when I heard him call,
I turned my back and left it all.
I could not stay another day
To laugh, to love, to work or play.
Tasks left undone will stay that way,
I found that peace at close of day.
If my parting has left a void
Then fill it with remembered joy
A friendship shared, a laugh a kiss,
Ah yes, these things I, too, will miss.
But not burdened with times of sorrow,
I wish you the sunshine of tomorrow.
My life has been full, I've savored much.
Good friends, good times, a loved ones touch.
Perhaps my time seemed all to brief
Don't lengthen it now with undue grief,
Lift up you hearts and share with me,
God wanted me now,
He set me free.
~~Author Unknown
Monday, January 26, 2009
Do not stand at my grave and weep.
Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sun on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starlight at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there; I did not die.
~~Mary Frye
*********************************
Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am the song that will never end.
I am the love of family and friend.
I am the child who has come to rest
In the arms of the Father who knows him best.
When you see the sunset fair,
I am the scented evening air.
I am the joy of a task well done.
I am the glow of the setting sun.
Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there, I do not sleep.
(Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there, I did not die!
~~Wilbur Skeels (1996)
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sun on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starlight at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there; I did not die.
~~Mary Frye
*********************************
Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am the song that will never end.
I am the love of family and friend.
I am the child who has come to rest
In the arms of the Father who knows him best.
When you see the sunset fair,
I am the scented evening air.
I am the joy of a task well done.
I am the glow of the setting sun.
Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there, I do not sleep.
(Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there, I did not die!
~~Wilbur Skeels (1996)
Sunday, January 11, 2009
About love
Love is something what will be there when being in love is gone. Love is like roots of trees and when crush has passed we may see are the roots related to not fall apart. Thats not love when you lay on your bed at nights and dream about how he covers your body with kisses. That's not love what makes you crazy when you are in his embrace what makes your body give off waves of heat or makes have your heart in your mouth. Love is what will stay after flames of crush. When the fire have burned down then all what will be there is gray everyday. And if you feel that in that gray existing you still want to be with your beloved one, you still want to make food to him or clean up his loundry, then that's the love. Nothing very beautiful, nothing so sublimate...
****************
- When I was deaf, life was beautiful. I didn't hear how my wife was nagging with me. Now is my life as hell. Put the pea back into my ear. I want to be deaf again.
- Do you love your wife? If you do love your wife then be nice with her. Bring firewood inside before she asks. When she feels cold, put a blanket on her shoulders. When you are on the field then biring a flower to her every time you come from there...
- Does it mean that you won't put the pea back into my ear?
****************
- When I was deaf, life was beautiful. I didn't hear how my wife was nagging with me. Now is my life as hell. Put the pea back into my ear. I want to be deaf again.
- Do you love your wife? If you do love your wife then be nice with her. Bring firewood inside before she asks. When she feels cold, put a blanket on her shoulders. When you are on the field then biring a flower to her every time you come from there...
- Does it mean that you won't put the pea back into my ear?
Bio: You look so beutiful with your long hair.
Me: Would you marry me when I would have no long hair?
Bio: You want me to propose you?
Me: I am just according your words when you said that 2 old lonely ppl suit for eachother well...
Bio: Dear, you have beautiful big heart what means more than whole beauty of models in the World.
Me: Good. Then you don't mind that I did cut off my hair...
Me: Would you marry me when I would have no long hair?
Bio: You want me to propose you?
Me: I am just according your words when you said that 2 old lonely ppl suit for eachother well...
Bio: Dear, you have beautiful big heart what means more than whole beauty of models in the World.
Me: Good. Then you don't mind that I did cut off my hair...
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Madis
Who the heck is Madis?
23, married, sweet... Someone who was very special for me. He was someone I could talk whole night along because we had something to talk about. Our talks were opened and full of laugh. I did read even a book for him! About Harry Potter :) He is second person in my life I have ever read a book... It was fun to spend time with him, hang around, discuss over issues we met. I did really cared of him a lot.
I called him as a friend...
And friends should forgive other of them has made a mistake. It is why the friends are for! They should care more than to the first mistake. People are doing mistakes. They are humans. So are freinds!
... why is it so hard then? :) I knew once a guy who told that love means growing. That you have to work for love to grow. That you have to talk to the one you love and share what do you feel... He teached me all of that. And I did learn it. I know all of it now and I try to follow of it... I did try to teach to the guy that forgiving is really important as well because humans do mistakes... he never learnt it. He could not forgive me. He could not forgive to himself as well. And do be honest I know it is so damned hard. I need to learn to forgive. Not easy wrongs but the big failngs. But it is so hard when someone spits in your face...
Actually I am really dissapointed and I can't over of it. I did expalin to him what I feel and why but even if he will understands all of it and regrets, then do I ... Oh yes, I can do that! I have to. Even if it is only because to believe it is possible to forgive. I did cross a line as well. I feel really sorry that it got him in trouble at home but I am not sorry for his wife... She just needs someone who would tell to her to grow up already. I know it was not my business but... but she is a real butt ;)
I do add my letters to Madis where I did appologise because of getting him trouble and hurting him with that.
23, married, sweet... Someone who was very special for me. He was someone I could talk whole night along because we had something to talk about. Our talks were opened and full of laugh. I did read even a book for him! About Harry Potter :) He is second person in my life I have ever read a book... It was fun to spend time with him, hang around, discuss over issues we met. I did really cared of him a lot.
I called him as a friend...
And friends should forgive other of them has made a mistake. It is why the friends are for! They should care more than to the first mistake. People are doing mistakes. They are humans. So are freinds!
... why is it so hard then? :) I knew once a guy who told that love means growing. That you have to work for love to grow. That you have to talk to the one you love and share what do you feel... He teached me all of that. And I did learn it. I know all of it now and I try to follow of it... I did try to teach to the guy that forgiving is really important as well because humans do mistakes... he never learnt it. He could not forgive me. He could not forgive to himself as well. And do be honest I know it is so damned hard. I need to learn to forgive. Not easy wrongs but the big failngs. But it is so hard when someone spits in your face...
Actually I am really dissapointed and I can't over of it. I did expalin to him what I feel and why but even if he will understands all of it and regrets, then do I ... Oh yes, I can do that! I have to. Even if it is only because to believe it is possible to forgive. I did cross a line as well. I feel really sorry that it got him in trouble at home but I am not sorry for his wife... She just needs someone who would tell to her to grow up already. I know it was not my business but... but she is a real butt ;)
I do add my letters to Madis where I did appologise because of getting him trouble and hurting him with that.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
About Margo
He is a guy I call as my friend. I don't know why but I really keep dear him. He is and gentle man under his hard and cold core what says that "life is a flower" without believing it.
LOL... I am going to marry :)
That was a joke of course. But still... if I would say "I will" then I would be married in a months already. Just a funny how easy is life for black men. I love you and will marry you just now. Will love you rest of my life and will make you happy.
Will make me happy? ;) Who said I am not happy already now? Or who says that happiness is my aim of life? Lol... just lovely how blue eyed can be an man with so lovely brown eyes. He is really sweet indeed. If I would have more experiance with him than just half hour of MSN typing with cams then I would marry with him. If he would be just with right personality... I feel how my heart is beating stronger than I like it does. No time for getting involved any afairs.. Especially when it is so suspicious... Oh dear, I need a hug! MARGOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
*Ring! Ring!*
Will make me happy? ;) Who said I am not happy already now? Or who says that happiness is my aim of life? Lol... just lovely how blue eyed can be an man with so lovely brown eyes. He is really sweet indeed. If I would have more experiance with him than just half hour of MSN typing with cams then I would marry with him. If he would be just with right personality... I feel how my heart is beating stronger than I like it does. No time for getting involved any afairs.. Especially when it is so suspicious... Oh dear, I need a hug! MARGOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
*Ring! Ring!*
Me and my "what should I do list"
There was a time when I had another blog and there are some writtings of my happiest times and some from the most painful time. There I let my frog to do his wishlist and I had to do my own after that. But my wishes got over too quick after that and I never made my own wish list but I made my own "what should I do list" just to hold myself alive. Some of my "should" were a bit tied up my wishes too so I can count it as my half-wishes list. I don't know how is he doing with his wishes but I was checking over my lists (I made 2 of them - one before "big badda-boom" and one after that crash.)
WOW! :) I am so real! Or my wishes are so real. I have done so many of what I listed there. I am proud of myself! (Althouhg not very because there will come sin from pride ;)).
"What should I do"-list vol 1
* make a list what I do want
* make a list about what Derek wants - DONE
* start translating stuff - DONE!
* go and techange my driving licence - DONE
* go and renew my passport - DONE (made just ID card because I didn't want to make passport before I had to marry. I need to make a new wishlist where I have to make a passport as well or i wount get over border. Oh dear! I really have to do that! Or there will be no Mosambique! :p)
* Bring my doc-s into a collage - DONE and in
"What I should do" list vol 2
* Find a friend!! - DONE!!
* Articel about a book I read. - DONE!
* Studings! - still DOING!
* Talking with my boss about advising smokers! - I never will I guess...
* Bicycle! - DONE!
* Sport club! With my new friend!! - Umm...
* The column in MA and editing it... DONE! and finished :)
* Finish dutch course! I think... DONE!
* Africa.. I need to weigh it in my mind and I have time about 4 years for that. - Amazing how life is doing. Now when I have no real matter to go there are most of my doings tied with Africa... It shows me how much power have our wishes. They wont come true when you want them because it just takes time but they will come true one day. It's why we have to be really careful with what we are wishing...)
WOW! :) I am so real! Or my wishes are so real. I have done so many of what I listed there. I am proud of myself! (Althouhg not very because there will come sin from pride ;)).
"What should I do"-list vol 1
* make a list what I do want
* make a list about what Derek wants - DONE
* start translating stuff - DONE!
* go and techange my driving licence - DONE
* go and renew my passport - DONE (made just ID card because I didn't want to make passport before I had to marry. I need to make a new wishlist where I have to make a passport as well or i wount get over border. Oh dear! I really have to do that! Or there will be no Mosambique! :p)
* Bring my doc-s into a collage - DONE and in
"What I should do" list vol 2
* Find a friend!! - DONE!!
* Articel about a book I read. - DONE!
* Studings! - still DOING!
* Talking with my boss about advising smokers! - I never will I guess...
* Bicycle! - DONE!
* Sport club! With my new friend!! - Umm...
* The column in MA and editing it... DONE! and finished :)
* Finish dutch course! I think... DONE!
* Africa.. I need to weigh it in my mind and I have time about 4 years for that. - Amazing how life is doing. Now when I have no real matter to go there are most of my doings tied with Africa... It shows me how much power have our wishes. They wont come true when you want them because it just takes time but they will come true one day. It's why we have to be really careful with what we are wishing...)
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Life is so busy that I fall to sleep on half word :) I can't even remember what did I want to say with my last post. Probably it was about how I did get my first baby girl in birth house. It was really great. The birth giver was lovely woman and the midwife Aili who was assisting me was just wonderful person as well. The baby girl born quickly and with no harm to mom. Totally unblooded labour. Lovely :)
But not the story was the thing I wanted to talk today. Actually I was one day thinking on writting down my biggest lovestory for my posterity could read about me and my thoughts and feelings. Sad that my granny never had possibility to put down her life... Well, at least I just thought about it. I don't know where should I take the time for that. I cant postpone everything into the time when my studings are over. But still odd that I got email from frog as well where he told he found some files with our past... Funny coincidence but nothing so rare. I have thoughts, he has files. Should I ask those files from him? Well.. actually I am not very much intrested about them. Not yet at least. Maybe one day I will. Hopefully it is not very late for that then. Just now I am just thinking to put down my memories about the time.
I don't have anyway all logfiles since latest years in our relationship we were talking. And no logfiles from that. Mostly I remember from the time that he was often upset with me and I was shouted at. Funny in it is that I don't remember any reason why I got shouted at :) I just remember that I was crying and he was explying strongly how some things should be. Did I understand him even then? Ha haa. I often think why didn't I tell to him to repeat what did he tell but probably it was because I didn't want to get all that lecture repeated again.
Nah, it wasn't so bad. He had always point in his lectures. Sometimes they were very selfish but he was able to make me feel alwas guilty as well. Everyone could make me feel guilty on thouse times :) It is sad i don't have those logs. It would be intresting to hear what did he want to say to me then. Yeah, it makes sigh. Oh man, how did I love that guy! The guy who looks very similar to Seth Green. Short, redhead and ... well, Green looks quite sexy actually :P Or maybe I just think now watching back on my feelings that my love was big? It happens often that we start idealize later what we had. But better to idealize than feel the dissapointment what could often happen when you start over. I still hope that it wasn't my biggest love. I hope to fall in love with the most greatest man one day and make him feel most loved. I know that I am ready for that now. With pain and with knowings what means to love. I don't have to study the feeling anymore. I know now what I have to do. And it will be always my silent prayer that I would find someone who would be same much ready to share love as I am, same much ready for the future where will be several adventures in. I know that :) When I watch back on my life then I there is things I would do other way as I did but I never can say my life have been booring. Huh, it could be poorer in some things but... all I have doen have made me person I am now. And I am better person as I was :) Yep, I can say that without proud in me, I am better. Not the best one! Oh, now. I never will get close to be the best one but only that I don't depreciate myself so much as I did. I have learned to love myself and with that to honour people's love for me :)
Anyway... I have thoughts. Will they come true will depend on me :)
But not the story was the thing I wanted to talk today. Actually I was one day thinking on writting down my biggest lovestory for my posterity could read about me and my thoughts and feelings. Sad that my granny never had possibility to put down her life... Well, at least I just thought about it. I don't know where should I take the time for that. I cant postpone everything into the time when my studings are over. But still odd that I got email from frog as well where he told he found some files with our past... Funny coincidence but nothing so rare. I have thoughts, he has files. Should I ask those files from him? Well.. actually I am not very much intrested about them. Not yet at least. Maybe one day I will. Hopefully it is not very late for that then. Just now I am just thinking to put down my memories about the time.
I don't have anyway all logfiles since latest years in our relationship we were talking. And no logfiles from that. Mostly I remember from the time that he was often upset with me and I was shouted at. Funny in it is that I don't remember any reason why I got shouted at :) I just remember that I was crying and he was explying strongly how some things should be. Did I understand him even then? Ha haa. I often think why didn't I tell to him to repeat what did he tell but probably it was because I didn't want to get all that lecture repeated again.
Nah, it wasn't so bad. He had always point in his lectures. Sometimes they were very selfish but he was able to make me feel alwas guilty as well. Everyone could make me feel guilty on thouse times :) It is sad i don't have those logs. It would be intresting to hear what did he want to say to me then. Yeah, it makes sigh. Oh man, how did I love that guy! The guy who looks very similar to Seth Green. Short, redhead and ... well, Green looks quite sexy actually :P Or maybe I just think now watching back on my feelings that my love was big? It happens often that we start idealize later what we had. But better to idealize than feel the dissapointment what could often happen when you start over. I still hope that it wasn't my biggest love. I hope to fall in love with the most greatest man one day and make him feel most loved. I know that I am ready for that now. With pain and with knowings what means to love. I don't have to study the feeling anymore. I know now what I have to do. And it will be always my silent prayer that I would find someone who would be same much ready to share love as I am, same much ready for the future where will be several adventures in. I know that :) When I watch back on my life then I there is things I would do other way as I did but I never can say my life have been booring. Huh, it could be poorer in some things but... all I have doen have made me person I am now. And I am better person as I was :) Yep, I can say that without proud in me, I am better. Not the best one! Oh, now. I never will get close to be the best one but only that I don't depreciate myself so much as I did. I have learned to love myself and with that to honour people's love for me :)
Anyway... I have thoughts. Will they come true will depend on me :)
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Christmas weather 2 weeks before the day
It was nice weekend with walking in snow. But couple nights with lack of sleep and last night without no sleep at all has done its work well. I am deadly tired and feel a bit sad I can't put it down now what happened and how did I feel or thought. Anbd as the history have showed even if I want I never will add later anything.
But that later is now here :) Couple weekends later but still. Meantime we have had a weekend with just Madis too. He is sweet. Fine friend :)
The weekend before the last one was sweet. I saw Margo and Madis at the time. we met at Kadri's place and stayed up during the night. I saw them getting a bit drunk. Nondrinker's vantage is the way to see how your friend get drunk and hard to say but it is fun too ;) But I think still that it is really boring to get drunk. You don't see others then anymore but you are just consendrated on yourself. But I am still lucky. My friends know my christianic views and they have accepted them.
Madis did try last weekend to make me to drink some alcohol with a lie but happily Kadri did told me before that I should not do that. I was watching Madis and asked could he really let me drink it and he was doubtful. I think he could. It was a bit dissapointing because friends don't do that. But we are not perfect anyone. I did talk with him about that and I think that he did understand what I meant. I really hope that something did change in hid life. He is really sweet boy and once he will be probably really nice person. He promised me today that when I will move away from Estonia then we still have Skype. Although we don't use it often after his wife moved home back. Because she just don't believe that we are just friends :) We are Madise's "whales" as she said :)
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