Only working organ in men is their stomach!

It got confirmed again that men have only working function and it is digestion. Sometimes it just can drive you nuts! Example today. We had youth evening and we had to read a chapter from a new book we handle there. But since there was nice sunny day then the guys came on great idea to have barbeque so they were making the fire and went to shops for chicken and sousages... pft! We just couldn't start with official part. Once even seemed they settle down and but then the fire was ready for cooking so they were walking around again. But that could be fine if they would be able to listen as well during that! Phh!

Markus told that it is not possible have empty tummy. If the stomach will be too long without food it stops working. Bleh!!! It just tells one thing! The men are able to do just one thing at the time and it is DIGESTION! When they starve their stomach will stop working and all blood will rise in their head. And THAT's not good!! Because then they don't know just what to do. Suddenly they have their mind full of thoughts AND THAT IS PAINFUL!!

And then they go at shop of course!

IF GOD CLOSES A DOOR...

...HE WILL OPEN THE NEXT ONE.

Mayday time has passed away. There is passed 6 and half weeks already from the time my frog broke my heart. I alway knew that healing of heart takes 2 months from a woman (3 from a man) but I never thought my heart could be healed again. But I should. I should believe into history. Just 2 weeks more to go and my frog will be history. A bit bitter history but still...

It is still unbelievable that all that story happened at all. I never believed he will do that to me. Never... Well, but it’s always like that. Those things happen what you never expect. Now I am sitting here in middle of sunshine and don’t want still believe it all has happened. It is just a bad dream from what my frog will wake me up and cuddles me with words he is there and never let happen things like that... Probably I just want to believe that because I don’t like the situation. But as an old friend told me, Move on, sweet girl!

The old friend... Is it right to call him like that at all? After his recent statements I am not sure I may call him as a friend anymore. Or may I? How could he tell me that he loves me? Well, I love him as well but I have done it always as he is a very good friend. And he has told me before also that he loves me but I never suspected there could be anything more than good friendship between us. There can be love between two different sex of friends. Love between friends. I believe in it. I have to! Or it will turn up my world upside down again.

So how could he tell me he loves me more than just a friend?! It can’t be true... No, it can’t be... He has always been a bit crazy and thoughtless in things like that. Like a big child. Or a dreamer... My special and really precious Dreamer.

I do remember when he did prepear for a romantic date once. He asked me to help him but I couldn’t help much because I was at work during the day. When I got home he had prepeared almost everything already. We just needed to go to the Tartu garded of botany. He wanted to lighet plenty of candles there and cover a table for supper... Jee, I do remember how much I did envy her for all of that. I wished that kind of romantic from my frog too. But I never got it. All I got was just a paper of flowers where had to be roses in by his statements but... he did lost them. Anyway, she came ealier. She just came to tell to Dreamer that she can’t come later... or ever because she has someone else. I think. I didn’t hear that. But I saw his face afterward. Probably my face was exactly the same after the final letter of my frog...

Yeah, that kind of feelings don’t die. They may fade but do not die totally. There always will be a memory of the feelings inside you and it may always pop into fire again when they have chance for that. And his beloved one was my friend. She still is. So there will be always chance that his old feelings will get in fire again and I... I will be throwed away again. It is not outlook I wait with pleasure...

Hmm... Why did he tell me then that he loves me... He told me, love equals care, share and trust in the oposite order. So the love means to trust, to share and to care...

Trust. That means I never hurt him and he never hurts me. Are we able to do that? How could I give my fragile heartpieces on his hands to cherrish them with trust he never drops them? I did trust my frog but he dropped my heart under elephants feet to get stromped on. And how he can trust me!? Especially during the time now when I can’t trust me myself?! I may learn how to love him. How to love him with all my heart because I don’t know how to do that with part of it but... I need time for that. It took couple years till I started trust my frog enough to give my heart to him. We had lots of fights for that... and he won. He got my heart. But for what? He never could love me with all his heart... he never respected me and my love enough... He was just an old ugly liar who just had beautiful words about trust and honesty without knowing what they really mean. An old man who had no ability to be honest himself... So, should I go all the way through again to give my heart to Dreamer?! Jee! I even don’t believe he really loves me!

Share, he told. What knows he about sharing? I have to pull out every answer from him with forcepts. I never like to answer direct questions, he told me last time. Dear heaven, how there can be any sharings between us then? Is it sharing when I have to always tear out information from him?! Hmm... it reminds me someone else several years ago... But I have changed! Thank you, God, that You have gave me possibility to do that and that You have let me to do that. I need direct answers in love. The cat walking games can stay between friends but not between lovers. And me... what kind of share I can offer to him? Arleady now I am full of fear to tell him anything because of this unbelievable statement he did. The love is not something you can start or stop by your own wish. Not real love at least. But what would give pseudo love for us? Comfort? Feelings we are not alone? No... It would be just patethic act. And I AM NOT patethic. I really am not.

What was the third thing he mentioned... Care. Well, is it enough when you have one feeling from three to love? I do care about him. Oh, I do care really alot. I have always done it. I did it so much that my heart was bleeding months after I had to leave him...

No. No-no-no! I don’t love him as a woman! He can’t just make me to love him like that. I told him I need time to settle myself. The amount of time it takes is the amount of time you want it to take, he told. But it is not right! I am sure you can give your best to help heal your wounds but it all takes still time. When you cut into your finger then it takes time to heal. Of course the duration of healing will depend on how do you cure your wounds. You can care well about them and they will heal with possible short time. But as soon you stop caring about them, the wounds will go bad. Also it never will heal if you rip it appart all the time. But I do care about my wounds. The average time for healing of me is 2 months and I have just 2 weeks to go. Thanks to the God I really do well in it. Of course there are my ups and down periods but they are normal. I am up more than down, just being down is more noticeable.

Oh my dear sweet Dreamer, I wish so much to be your friend. I wish to kiss your cheeks when they are in tears. And I long to put my head into your lap and curl up myself when I am hurting. I miss to hug you to show how much I do care about you . And I need to wrap my hands around your neck when I am standing behind you, looking for safety from something what scares me. But please, do not ask me to feel anything what needs commitment. I can’t take it. Please, do not set up any requirement what may harm our relationship... Maybe one day... But it is just not today.

There have passed 2 years I have watched your doings far far away. I have accepted you never answered to me because I just left you alone there. Now, when I have found you again, I need to time to learn to know you again. And you need to learn to know me! ...because we have changed. You may dislike me now. I do like new me but you don’t have to. Maybe it is our fate to be together but the time will show it to us. Just God knows what is for us.

There is big hole in me. My heart got ripped out. The heart what was so perfectly fitting into me. And now big ugly hole is in me. All my inside were hanging out so I could see it all in its beauty. I have tucked it all back inside. Just my heart is missing. And now stands there my old friend and tried to „plant“ a new heart into me. The new heart what doesn’t fit. I am very appreciate for the new heart. I am even ready to let it be there and try it but I just need time for that. That it could grow into me, vessel by vessel that my blood could reach to warm up it. I don’t want to make any desperate move. Real love needs time to grow. I am free to love anyone I wish now. But I am not ready for that yet. And definatelly I am not ready for the pressure in it. I need a friend. I need you, Dreamer, my old friend who left me to go to build a machine what could make my dreams come true. I let you do that if you give me time to build up my dreams again. Old dreams are not good enough for us.

Jee... I really need to talk with you about all of that. It is time to come out from a coffin. Time to face with uncomfortable facts. Oh dear, please, tell me after the talk that I am still your „tere Luru“ with meanings what have always been more than just „tere Luru“.


And keep in your mind that sometimes when God closes a door then...
...HE BROKES A HEART.

Mayday...

Jee... I don’t get over my past! It takes so long. When will I stop bursting in tears for the things what remaind me the past? I just don’t understand it. Every time when I do think on it how is it possible that he doesn’t give a shit for am I alive or not, that he doesn’t care about me at all anymore, then I feel sick. It is so painful and it just makes me to burst in tears every time I think how did he lie to me.

How could he do that to me?! I never lied to him. I told him always why I am doing things I do. I did explain what do I think about everything and when he said it’s not enough for him I did change my views in it. Some changes were so painful but I sitll did it because I did love him. I did change myself like he wanted me to be. Wasn’t it enough? Or it was too much? Didn’t he actually wanted me to change? I don’t understand it. I gave myself totally to him. Every my thought, my wish, my cell belonged to him. Wasn’t it the commitment he was talking always that he just smashed me on the floor?? For what? That I did love him? Did he do that with others before me also? Did he smashed someone else because of me as well?

He never gave the change even to understand that the things are going wrong by his side. Why was he talking about honesty when he never could be honest himself? He was cheating me months... Why he never gave change to make things right? Why he didn’t try? Why he did it to me? I just don’t understand... Why did he lie to me about love if he never did love me? There has been hard time before and we have got over from them when we talked about them. Why didn’t he trust me to talk about them? Why did he choose someone else to share his pain? Didn’t I ask from him what he is feeling? Why he never thought about how much he will hurt me with what he was doing? I had hard time also. How hard it was I learn to tell about them to him. Everytime I felt my heart was jumping for someone elses attention than his I was asking is the attention I got, more important to me than loosing him and it help me to choose for right and wrong. I never let things to grow over my head because I respected him and his love. His love... Jee, he never loved me...

He is not worth the love I felt for him! He is not worth any of my tears! Oh dear heaven, I feel bitterness in me. Please, dear God, do not let me get bitter. Please do not lock my heart for others. You see, I am able to love. Please do not take it from me. No tears! Stop it! Although he never comes back to me I still beg you, make my heart strong enough to forgive him but never take him back. Please, keep me for lies like that and give me the change to love someone else same strong I did love him. And I really hope he never experiance the same pain he cause for me... Or maybe he should?

What pealsure would be walk into sun now. Along the railway forward a train... It is hard for me... because I do suffer for all of it. Why me? I did give everything from me that it could work... What else I have to do on the Earth that my time hasn’t come yet. I am not able to let pass enough time to get over of it. I just need a bit love and a hug...

************************

I pour the helpless balm of my poor eyes.
Cursed be the hand that made these fatal holes!
Cursed be the heart that had the heart to do it!
Cursed the blood that let this blood from hence!
More direful hap betide that hated wretch,
That makes us wretched by the death of thee,
Than I can wish to adders, spiders, toads,
Or any creeping venom'd thing that lives!

(Richard III, Shakespeare)

Pics of my shoping spree today

Here I am. Ready to go out to see the things God have put around me. And better they would be there... Oh, and next of me me is of course my new bicycle! ;D


And thats overcross of my house and in front of a driving school house :D I am on my way at shop and it is freakingly cold... I am holding a paper with date of today. Hopefully it is good proof enough that I was walking at shop. :p AND that it was cold outside!


That's just a tree on my way at shop. And the paper proves I know couple words in dutch. The first words in dutch at all I have never said (It doesn't matter that I got to know the meaning of it later...)




Oh and there (if you can see) is the show where I am going at.



Oh, and the bridge what you did ask! Well, it is without fountain... but good enough for kissing. No-no-no! I am not going to kiss it! But I could kiss you on it... Or under it.
Oh and if you do manage read the letters on window then there is Hawaii Express from where I got my new bicycle. ;)




I am going to have shoppings...




I am having shoppings...
Yep, that's me there! I was looking a fondue pot. I broke mine last time and now I just need new for the night...



Looking for seed bread...








I am too big to fit into camera as you can see...





Out from the shop and ready to go home and ready to try to see the God's wonderful creations around me again. Where are they?






Maybe here somewhere? Jee.. it could start get warmer already. The trees are nit ready to free their leaves yet... Prrrr! I want home....





Let's see then what did we got....







Some Strawberries....






Hmm... some veggies....





Mmmm.... Some more veggies and fruits... ;)








Before.....








....after.




So what.... are you coming to ride with bicycles together me now? In Estonia I mean... ;)

Ups! Kiss my bum!

It is soooo gentle and I was riding only at school and back. Auch! How do I ride in the evening? :P I need at least a pillow on my seat!

Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!

Oh! I did forget!!

I DO HAVE A BICYCLE! CLASSIC! HORNS! LOTS OF GEARS! (What I need to get to know!) Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear!!!


I AM A NEW CAVENDISH! Vroom! Vroom! Põrr! Põrr!

Watch forward!

Margo will come tomorrow! It is just great news! Although we planned to meet at 1st May what is quite soon and what is a bank holiday and new months as well so it means I can make it free from everything else and spend all the time he is here with him. But... tomorrow is good also! :D He is coming sometime during the evening and will stay overnight. It is Sabbath time but maybe he is ready to come with me at church also because I have to go there. But whole fridaynight belongs to us! It will come totally different from last time we met. Then I told that love between me and my frog is endless. He laughed and didn't believe me. But I did. So now I have to watch into his eyes and say he had right. Wow! It will be hard. :p It's always hard to admit someone else than me is right... but! I have changed. ;) I can and may do that. About 4 last years have teached me to be honest for myself. And it means that I am not hiding my feelings anymore for myself. Although I don't understand them sometimes, I don't hide them as well. I try to figure out what is going on and what is more important than that I am able to admit my feelings for others as well. Yeah... I have changed. And it is pretty good and warm feeling to think that finally I have hand changes to better side. ;) No, I don't want to be arrogant with saying I am good. I am not. Not at all. Good is just that I can admit that I am not good.

I miss Margo. I miss talking with him and spending time. I need to tell to him about my falling in love again to get out all plusses and minuses although I do see only minuses at the moment but... It may changes tomorrow. Well... it changes anyway every time when Indrek is calling but... I do need clear mind when I think on it. So Margo is just perfect. He won't let me fall into big dreams on his cynical way. And it is good when I need to talk about my heart stuff. Actually I already told to him he had right and my heart got smashed. And that I actually need cuddlings. I just didn't expect it so quickly. :D He is really good friend and I thank God who let our roads to cross.

But now I am going to bed. It is already friday and I have tomorrow an english preliminary. After that i need some food for weekend and to exercise watching into sky because its the position I have to be when I am talking with Margo. His chest, what was smoochy once, is now hairy and it makes my little boy a big one. ;)

The carer's meeting... booooh!

It will be tomorrow at 15.00. I do afraid of it. I do because I hate anykind of attacks against my person. Even when the bosses are at my side... ;(

What now...

He passed away. Yesterday. His brother called to me and said it happened quite quickly. He was crying. I felt really bad. Not because he died but because of his family and the sorrow they felt. I knew wery well the feeling when you lose someone very important in your life. But... I felt easier I didn't have to go there for the night. I was so tired... Since Wednesday I had been there all nights. I did it because I felt it is right. That he needed me there to stand next to his bed and whipe his body with cold wet cloth to give some relief for him. I also knew the other carer were angry at me I did it because it was their shifts but... the family asked me there. So I really didn't care about other carers since talking about them there was only their pride what got harmed. But the family needed me there because they scared, they needed someone who would have 100% of attention only for them. And I gave what I could.

So I was actually happy on Satturday night when I had possibility to fall into my own bed. I needed deep sleep. I know there will be some trouble by othere carer for me but I just don't care ;o) We will see what will happen on Tuesday when we have carer's meeting at Kadi. Then they can tell me what they want.

*************

I had a call. A strange number. When I answered I knew already who is there. My heart jumped.

...but it has to end!

Will it? Maybe my broken heart needs some comfort?

Always tell the truth...

I did read it from somehwere... "Always tell the truth." Sometimes I just can't be honest even with myself. Why am I at work today on Sabbath when I have day off and when I haven't got propper sleep since Wednesday? Is it still because I care about my old dying patient or ... about his handsome son with who I have spent together all those nights here?

Always tell the truth! But I don't know that ;o) Let it be then like it is because it would be lying to say I don't like him and his attention...

Still waiting...

I am still at work... Awake already 32 hours. How long does it take?

I'm dancing lambah-hada, I'm dancing lambah-hada, I'm dancing lambah-hada, I'm dancing lambah-hada...

Waiting for death

I am at work. It is Wednesday. It doen't rain although it is quite wet outside. It smells by spring. The early spring's flowers have all pulled out their noses and peek now around. The smell of the earth and gentle wind what strokes my face make me feel piece in my broken soul. The birds are singing. It is good day for dying...

- You were late!
- No I was not! The clock is 5 minutes in front!
- You have to come at work by the clock!

I lift my hand up, take the clock from the wall and turn it back 5 minutes.

- I did! ;)

She glared at me...

- Anyway... the man from 5th room will die today.
- He will?
- Yep. We were waiting for it since 3 o'clock AM. He doesn't look good.
- I see...

*****************

- Kadi! What will I do if it happens?? I am working with Teesi and she has less experiance than I do!!
- What? Oh dear! It will be first time for you?

I do nod and I try to make my face reflect panic but I know my eyes are smiling at her.

- Yes it will be...
- Well. Then you both will get your "hands white". (saying in estonia when someone is doing something first time)
- So? WHAT WILL I DO!???
- Do not worry... I will get you papers with instructions.

I liked the old man. I had talked with him some long nights before. But today I just could not be sad... Even everyone else walked around with sad faces... I just could not be sad! There is niothing to be sad about in death! He will be then finally out from pain. No physical or emotional pain. No feelings, no thoughts, no tries to get better life...

- I'm dancing lambah-hada, i'm dancing lambah-hada, i'm dancing lambah-hada, i'm dancing lambah-hada...

I do bowl together radio and grind between nurses in procedeure room. Someone is dying... but I am so alive!

I have had better days...

Eew! I just broke my wrestwatch... All pieces around the floor. Pfft! Today has been at all not the best day in my life. I came from work on the morning and ran at college. I sat there till half past four and needed to run to my dutch course but it meant I needed to get home, take stuff and run to another uni. Well... there I had some luck. Kerli drove to the centrum so she took me into her car. I stayed late 5 minutes but... there were just 2 girls more and Sebastian's favored sentences seemed to be ones what had my name in. "Thank you, would you read next one, Heleri?", "And maybe the next one as well?" or "Please translate, Heleri." Thats cool! Sometimes! Since I joined later with them is my dutch more pourer than the others and more practice is really good but... some other day... I have been really tired. THe fridge was also empty so I needed to have shoppings. I got at shop about at seven PM and seemed I forgot I was without car. I was home about 10 on 8 PM and I was tired and grumpy. I haven't had time to eat anything yet during the day so I spent more money than needed at shop. I did call to Markus and was asking is he going to Shakespeare to listen how Allan plays piano and asked may I join with them. So when i got affirming answer I dressed up and just went out. I ordered fruit salad with blue cheese... and Allan drove me home later. It means that he deove 200 m and dropped me infront of my door. He will play on 17th in Volga and 19th in Verner. Volga is too much for me... I don't have so fancy dresses for that but I will meet with him and Markus in Verner probably. Sad that Marge is not here... Oh yeah, she had b-day yesterday and she didn't pick the phone today. I tried 3 times...

tudish-piip!

I had just quick shower. I even didn't wet my hair. Although I had haircut is there still enough that drying would take couple hours. But I did fresh my body. It is over half past 10 PM already. Soon it will be 11 PM. I feel tired. I am at work. I put on my purple pidjma. It has been quite chilly today so I did wear already during the day a blue clinic's pidjama blouse. It is flannel and kjept me warm. I was working intensively from 9 AM till 5 PM. I just wanted to get ready quicker because I just had lots of study. I did stop writing about half hour ago. I didn't finish but still... I did start. And it is the same important than finishing. I am going to bed to read now. I need to read through 4 close study from last couple year. So much is to do...

Here I am... The box is packed. I need to hide it now or maybe... to set in fire.

I made it

It will be my new beginning. I will burry my past.