How could he do that to me?! I never lied to him. I told him always why I am doing things I do. I did explain what do I think about everything and when he said it’s not enough for him I did change my views in it. Some changes were so painful but I sitll did it because I did love him. I did change myself like he wanted me to be. Wasn’t it enough? Or it was too much? Didn’t he actually wanted me to change? I don’t understand it. I gave myself totally to him. Every my thought, my wish, my cell belonged to him. Wasn’t it the commitment he was talking always that he just smashed me on the floor?? For what? That I did love him? Did he do that with others before me also? Did he smashed someone else because of me as well?
He never gave the change even to understand that the things are going wrong by his side. Why was he talking about honesty when he never could be honest himself? He was cheating me months... Why he never gave change to make things right? Why he didn’t try?
Why he did it to me? I just don’t understand... Why did he lie to me about love if he never did love me? There has been hard time before and we have got over from them when we talked about them. Why didn’t he trust me to talk about them? Why did he choose someone else to share his pain? Didn’t I ask from him what he is feeling? Why he never thought about how much he will hurt me with what he was doing? I had hard time also. How hard it was I learn to tell about them to him. Everytime I felt my heart was jumping for someone elses attention than his I was asking is the attention I got, more important to me than loosing him and it help me to choose for right and wrong. I never let things to grow over my head because I respected him and his love. His love... Jee, he never loved me... He is not worth the love I felt for him! He is not worth any of my tears! Oh dear heaven, I feel bitterness in me. Please, dear God, do not let me get bitter. Please do not lock my heart for others. You see, I am able to love. Please do not take it from me. No tears! Stop it! Although he never comes back to me I still beg you, make my heart strong enough to forgive him but never take him back. Please, keep me for lies like that and give me the change to love someone else same strong I did love him. And I really hope he never experiance the same pain he cause for me... Or maybe he should?
What pealsure would be walk into sun now. Along the railway forward a train... It is hard for me... because I do suffer for all of it. Why me? I did give everything from me that it could work... What else I have to do on the Earth that my time hasn’t come yet. I am not able to let pass enough time to get over of it. I just need a bit love and a hug...
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I pour the helpless balm of my poor eyes.
Cursed be the hand that made these fatal holes!
Cursed be the heart that had the heart to do it!
Cursed the blood that let this blood from hence!
More direful hap betide that hated wretch,
That makes us wretched by the death of thee,
Than I can wish to adders, spiders, toads,
Or any creeping venom'd thing that lives!
(Richard III, Shakespeare)
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