IF GOD CLOSES A DOOR...

...HE WILL OPEN THE NEXT ONE.

Mayday time has passed away. There is passed 6 and half weeks already from the time my frog broke my heart. I alway knew that healing of heart takes 2 months from a woman (3 from a man) but I never thought my heart could be healed again. But I should. I should believe into history. Just 2 weeks more to go and my frog will be history. A bit bitter history but still...

It is still unbelievable that all that story happened at all. I never believed he will do that to me. Never... Well, but it’s always like that. Those things happen what you never expect. Now I am sitting here in middle of sunshine and don’t want still believe it all has happened. It is just a bad dream from what my frog will wake me up and cuddles me with words he is there and never let happen things like that... Probably I just want to believe that because I don’t like the situation. But as an old friend told me, Move on, sweet girl!

The old friend... Is it right to call him like that at all? After his recent statements I am not sure I may call him as a friend anymore. Or may I? How could he tell me that he loves me? Well, I love him as well but I have done it always as he is a very good friend. And he has told me before also that he loves me but I never suspected there could be anything more than good friendship between us. There can be love between two different sex of friends. Love between friends. I believe in it. I have to! Or it will turn up my world upside down again.

So how could he tell me he loves me more than just a friend?! It can’t be true... No, it can’t be... He has always been a bit crazy and thoughtless in things like that. Like a big child. Or a dreamer... My special and really precious Dreamer.

I do remember when he did prepear for a romantic date once. He asked me to help him but I couldn’t help much because I was at work during the day. When I got home he had prepeared almost everything already. We just needed to go to the Tartu garded of botany. He wanted to lighet plenty of candles there and cover a table for supper... Jee, I do remember how much I did envy her for all of that. I wished that kind of romantic from my frog too. But I never got it. All I got was just a paper of flowers where had to be roses in by his statements but... he did lost them. Anyway, she came ealier. She just came to tell to Dreamer that she can’t come later... or ever because she has someone else. I think. I didn’t hear that. But I saw his face afterward. Probably my face was exactly the same after the final letter of my frog...

Yeah, that kind of feelings don’t die. They may fade but do not die totally. There always will be a memory of the feelings inside you and it may always pop into fire again when they have chance for that. And his beloved one was my friend. She still is. So there will be always chance that his old feelings will get in fire again and I... I will be throwed away again. It is not outlook I wait with pleasure...

Hmm... Why did he tell me then that he loves me... He told me, love equals care, share and trust in the oposite order. So the love means to trust, to share and to care...

Trust. That means I never hurt him and he never hurts me. Are we able to do that? How could I give my fragile heartpieces on his hands to cherrish them with trust he never drops them? I did trust my frog but he dropped my heart under elephants feet to get stromped on. And how he can trust me!? Especially during the time now when I can’t trust me myself?! I may learn how to love him. How to love him with all my heart because I don’t know how to do that with part of it but... I need time for that. It took couple years till I started trust my frog enough to give my heart to him. We had lots of fights for that... and he won. He got my heart. But for what? He never could love me with all his heart... he never respected me and my love enough... He was just an old ugly liar who just had beautiful words about trust and honesty without knowing what they really mean. An old man who had no ability to be honest himself... So, should I go all the way through again to give my heart to Dreamer?! Jee! I even don’t believe he really loves me!

Share, he told. What knows he about sharing? I have to pull out every answer from him with forcepts. I never like to answer direct questions, he told me last time. Dear heaven, how there can be any sharings between us then? Is it sharing when I have to always tear out information from him?! Hmm... it reminds me someone else several years ago... But I have changed! Thank you, God, that You have gave me possibility to do that and that You have let me to do that. I need direct answers in love. The cat walking games can stay between friends but not between lovers. And me... what kind of share I can offer to him? Arleady now I am full of fear to tell him anything because of this unbelievable statement he did. The love is not something you can start or stop by your own wish. Not real love at least. But what would give pseudo love for us? Comfort? Feelings we are not alone? No... It would be just patethic act. And I AM NOT patethic. I really am not.

What was the third thing he mentioned... Care. Well, is it enough when you have one feeling from three to love? I do care about him. Oh, I do care really alot. I have always done it. I did it so much that my heart was bleeding months after I had to leave him...

No. No-no-no! I don’t love him as a woman! He can’t just make me to love him like that. I told him I need time to settle myself. The amount of time it takes is the amount of time you want it to take, he told. But it is not right! I am sure you can give your best to help heal your wounds but it all takes still time. When you cut into your finger then it takes time to heal. Of course the duration of healing will depend on how do you cure your wounds. You can care well about them and they will heal with possible short time. But as soon you stop caring about them, the wounds will go bad. Also it never will heal if you rip it appart all the time. But I do care about my wounds. The average time for healing of me is 2 months and I have just 2 weeks to go. Thanks to the God I really do well in it. Of course there are my ups and down periods but they are normal. I am up more than down, just being down is more noticeable.

Oh my dear sweet Dreamer, I wish so much to be your friend. I wish to kiss your cheeks when they are in tears. And I long to put my head into your lap and curl up myself when I am hurting. I miss to hug you to show how much I do care about you . And I need to wrap my hands around your neck when I am standing behind you, looking for safety from something what scares me. But please, do not ask me to feel anything what needs commitment. I can’t take it. Please, do not set up any requirement what may harm our relationship... Maybe one day... But it is just not today.

There have passed 2 years I have watched your doings far far away. I have accepted you never answered to me because I just left you alone there. Now, when I have found you again, I need to time to learn to know you again. And you need to learn to know me! ...because we have changed. You may dislike me now. I do like new me but you don’t have to. Maybe it is our fate to be together but the time will show it to us. Just God knows what is for us.

There is big hole in me. My heart got ripped out. The heart what was so perfectly fitting into me. And now big ugly hole is in me. All my inside were hanging out so I could see it all in its beauty. I have tucked it all back inside. Just my heart is missing. And now stands there my old friend and tried to „plant“ a new heart into me. The new heart what doesn’t fit. I am very appreciate for the new heart. I am even ready to let it be there and try it but I just need time for that. That it could grow into me, vessel by vessel that my blood could reach to warm up it. I don’t want to make any desperate move. Real love needs time to grow. I am free to love anyone I wish now. But I am not ready for that yet. And definatelly I am not ready for the pressure in it. I need a friend. I need you, Dreamer, my old friend who left me to go to build a machine what could make my dreams come true. I let you do that if you give me time to build up my dreams again. Old dreams are not good enough for us.

Jee... I really need to talk with you about all of that. It is time to come out from a coffin. Time to face with uncomfortable facts. Oh dear, please, tell me after the talk that I am still your „tere Luru“ with meanings what have always been more than just „tere Luru“.


And keep in your mind that sometimes when God closes a door then...
...HE BROKES A HEART.