Heleri: Hello! Don’t you call me already too often?
Margo: I just was thinking that I call to ask how are you.
H: Oh I see ;) I am fine. And you?
M: Well... I am just wondering here that there has to be recession. Where does it come my clients have no money?
H: And I already thought you are going to say you are coming to Tartu.
M: I avtually was this weekend in Tartu.
H: Oh I see... But you never thought to come to see me...
M: I just drove trough Tartu. We went with friends in the adventours park of Otepää.
H: Had great time then again :)
M: Yeah, I did...
H: You don’t sound very happy.
M: Feeling lonely.
H: Lonely? Oh and I thougt that you oink like happy pig again. ;) Where are your friends then now?
M: Pft! Friends...
H: You may always come to Tartu to have cup of coffe with me :)
M: One day. How are you? Have you got happy with someone already?
H: Happy with someone? Would you explain me what means „being happy“ first? In this part I felt how something inside me started tingling.
M: You know what I m...
H: Do you really think that happiness is something what you get with having something or someone? I really don’t think that I HAVE TO BUILT UP HAPPINESS LIKE THAT! You have everything – couple appartments, new car, life mate at home and couple lovers around, you don’t have to count your money... And you call me because you are alone. So tell me more about that happiness ;)
....

A Scream

I feel so alone. I am in a maelstorm of life and it all drags me with. But when I am in that whirl I still stand outside of it and watch it all like I wouldn’t belong there. I just watch how my physical body struggles there busy with not drawning and I even don’t care. I just turn away and fly over the city, over the forests and fields till I stand on the rock what reaches over the ocean. I stand there when wind is ripping my clothes and hair. The sky is so blue and a lonely seagul is laughing up there. I just stand there with the pain in my soul what screams out from me. I just rise my hands up on sides of me and scream. I am all alone there on the top of rock.
Begind me is green field and in front of me is churning water.

Yeah, that’s how I do feel. Psychologists could read out some mental dissorder from me if they could see inside me. But they can not... Who can at all? I don’t know how to show out that I am broken. That I am alone and lost. People around me rather ask how I do that that I never be down, that I always laugh and joke, that I am always so ... alive. And they even don’t know that it all is just a maquerade. Not always of course. But there are times I am so down that no sunshine reaches to me. I am so fake. I am so damned fake that I am not worh of any love. Why do I bother at all then... Why do I cheat people that I am an shiny princess if I am just the uggliest frog...

:(

First day back in college

„Is it raining?“
„Yes, it is.“
„Just great!!“

I do run out from the building of college and hurry to my bicycle while I stick my hand out from under the roof to feel is it still raining. Yes it is. And I drop my jacket at home on the porning when I came form work because it seemed really warm morning. I had just a shirt without sleeves. I have to hurry. And not only because of rain but because I need to pee as well. There are puddles everywhere. It sucks. I try to keep away from them. But it is more than obvious my jeans will be dirty. Out from the college yard straight on the street. Is it smart to bike on the street where cars don’t care about you when they drive trough puddles? Right. Straight on the pedestrian’s walking road. The rain is cold. No Pedestrian. I crank so quickly that I feel how my calfs are cramping. Traffic lights. Finally green. I cross the road and hurry along allee. Juhhuuu! Next traffic light is green! It has started rain more heavilly. I cant see clearly trough my glasses any more. Water is running down from my shoulder and my underwear is wet. No more to hold back myself anymore. I get up from seat and crank like nuts. Down from the little plump straight trough the deepest part of the puddle and over crossroad before the green light starts blinking. Juhhuu! Dear Lord, don’t ever take rain from us!! Let there always be puddles and rainbow and wet clothes to feel I am so alive. I maneuver around some ppl on the my way. They are not happy when I past from them with spraying them with water. Ah, take it easy! I am going home! Home... Today I have to be productive! Like yesterday? All windows were prepeard on for me going to be useful on PC but what did I do? Played battle in facebook and laughed like nuts. Maybe I am... No facebook today! Or... well, I have to pick up gold in my fairy garden that I would have money to water my wilted plants... But that’s all! Yes! Today I am productive! Finally down from Riia hill. I love that declicity here. Down! Down! Down! My hair are all wet and don’t flutter all. Because it is raining!! Rainin? Damn! My breaks!!! I need to get my speed down before I kill myself. Or even worse, someone else. Oh no, people are crossing the road... I can do that, I can do that, I can do that! I crank to get speed up again and hope that the light is.... IT IS GREEN! Now! Oh no those men are too close and seems they don’t see me... Scheisse! I take quick turn to the right and fly over street’s curbstone. Outch! My bum! No, you can’t see my pain because I know how to smile when it hurts!! All my life is just a big smile even when the pain is ripping little pieces from me. And there it is! Home, sweet home! And I am so wet...

My days of middle August

I am at work. It is half past 10 PM already and I am watching Top Gear. The patients are all in their rooms already. I am sitting in their dinningroom because the tables here were good for set up my laptop. Good for me behind the tabele actually. I am just sitting here and I don’t know what I do feel.

Couple days ago was raining but I sat on my bicycle and went to ride. Actually I had to go because it was only day then I could take my documents into colleges I were picked up ealier already. One of them was Tartu Theological Academy and other Higher Religious Seminar of Tartu. They took my documents in academy and were quite happy to see me. I told them that I have a full time job and a college and I was not sure am I able to apeal in every lesson they have. It was still 2 weeks per month mostly. They told they have other ppl as well who work and who have took a year off from school from some reason. I didn’t bring out my worry about the year off because it didn’t fit into my plans. I have 4 years just to finish those colleges. 26th August I will have essay at 10 AM and later (I can’t remember at moment when exactly) a conversation with them. I am quite sure I am in. Arrogants, I know but sitll...

It was raining stronger when I got out from there. Still the other college to find. I thought I knew where it is. It was in otherside of city. I had to get on my bicycle and... I got lost. I was totally wet and so lost. Happily there came one old lady who was also wet. But she was not lost. She knew as welll where is the building I was looking for and it was not far away at all. I got there and didn’t find the place where to lock my wheels. Finaly I found a post between too cars. Two ugly cars. But lucky for them they could stand for while next my beauty.

I tried to eneter from front door but it was locked. Hmm.. There were on the door that they are opened from 8 am till 5 PM and half past 2 PM it was just locked! I was wet and irritated. But then came a girl and opened the door. She showed me the direction where I had to go and I found an opened door. There were an older gentelman and a lady. They were really kind and smiling. The lady took my papers and asked when I can come to have conversation with them. I told that I go home and will call back to tell can I do that next day. And then I left. It didn’t rain anymore. I got home and called back. The next day was fine.

At 1 PM next day I had to be at the college again. So I dressed up into nice dresses, did make-up, put on high heeled shoes, took my handbag and ... sat on my bicycle. I felt brave. It is not city bicycle where you may sit with whatever you have on. I have still bicycle what doesn’t embarass you when you are on it... But still.. I felt really brave this day on it with all my accessories. Finally I was there. They asked me into back room, served tea and biscuits and then we just talked. The same gentelman I saw last day was the director of the college. Cool! He was cool! He was asking why I want to come into the school, how is arranged Bible study in our church and ... actually he didn’t ask much because he told me that he knows adventists as very aware of Bible. Oh and then he asked me the question what was more like a statement: „And you have read the Bible trough of course?“ EEEEEEEEEEWWWWWW! In this place I did lie. I haven’t read it through in way like we do read books. I have read trough most of it and I have read every book in the Bible but I haven’t completed them all. But anyway... I got in the college.

Day after that I was at home and cried most of the day. I was watching from youtube a Kelsey Briggs story in every possible way they had set up there and was just crying. I felt so terrible and so alone and I did miss my frog to comfort me. But I never wrote to him about that. Although it was really painful feeling sit there all alone and feeling grief in my chest and missing just a hug or just a smile from him I decided to not complain. I have done so well with my life. I have went on and I couldn’t destroy all of it during the weakness moment like that was. Enouhg from complainings. Not that I would be really big complainer at all but still... I know I do complain a lot. Maybe not for others but I know the fights inside me what get me down quit often. I am vulnerable enough to give out trumps for others to get more hurted. So.. that day I was all alone and crying and didn’t do much more. Ah, I did. I got idea to ask from my frog to analyse me. Why? Well... I am sure I am complainig too much so I just wanted to know am I really too. Some days later I wrote a letter to him and asked him to do that. He didn’t seem very happy. But hey, he has nothing to loose and he can be objective. Ja, I do like to get over from those rare moments I do miss him. Sometimes I feel really clearly that I have arounded with idiots and those days I feel really big need to be with him. I haven’t had success to replace him for someone else yet. Or maybe... Paul. He is too smart for his hmm... was he 27 or 30? I just can’t remember... But at least I know he has heart in right place. He is working out from Sidney at moment and comes online only during weekends for some hours. That sucks. I am usually off those days. In church during Satturday and at work on Sunday. He makes me happy in the way he tells his stories about his little steps to God. He is so in of it and so happy he has fond Him again. We have had some conversations about Bible and in some great reason we have never argued over differences in out religions. Oh sure!! We have had lots of differences but true is it that we should pay more attention on our views where we are in the same mind. And we have done so good in it. Arguings are not solutions. I got to know that already with my froggy...

This Satturday I woke up and was ready to go to the church when I suddenly realised that I had to be in Viljandi at all. I was shocked. How did I forget it. I checked busses, got dressed up and sat on a bus. The road to Viljadi went through Puhja. My sister lives there. And the they are renewing the road there. On really long distance.

Harassing time

It is just amazing how the time flies. I did wait so much summer. I did hope I have lots of time then to rest and do things what I needed to do but what were not priority for me then. Sometimes I think that time is going too quick only because I have so much to do. I feel I am tired. Also I feel that the time passes too quick and I am able to do so little and all what I do is just for others and nothing for myself and that I have NO time FOR MYSELF! I just would like to lie down, rise my legs on the wall and do nothing. To do so long time nothing that I feel the time is standing and I am bored. I just wonder will there come time like that in my life again?

I have even no time for my blog. Like everything what I think or feel or do have find their end...

I had today my secon blood test. And the day after tomorrow I will hear about what is going on with my future. Do I afraid? Sure. I do afraid of good and bad news on the day. Bad news may tell me my life will be too short to do all the things I want and I should start thinking what I priority to do. Good news... that I may do everything and probably there will be time my own so I just will drain myself out.

3 weeks ago about I had mission board meeting where we dicided to start with program what brings our church member closer to eachother. The first event was this Sabbath. I had to organize the place and food and some entertainment as well since Toomas was camping and probably forgot he had to organize games. But it is alright since he has needed resting time as well. He has good boy who has too many duties. Thanks for God he is here and does that all. But the event went well anyway. The members of our churce (and others who took part of ceremony) were asked to take part form collective lunch and spending time together. The most of people took cakes and sandwitches with and tables were rich. Also the communicating with eachother were good. Of course there were people who were just sitting quietly but there always will be ppl like that. I just know that my feet were hurting and I was walking around on socks. High heel shoes are not good for organizing event like that. But it all went very well!!! I even was talking to all of them although I have actually chicken heart. I told a story what I read and what made me to cry because of the vision of mission and cristianity. Even when I was telling the story and explaining it later made my ching to shake ;) When I finished was total silence in room. 40 ppl about and all were quiet. It was uncomfortable. But they were just thoughful and it was my aim to make them to think. I post the story as well..

*********************

The old man awoke and glanced at the clock. Shock registered on his aging face as he realized that he had slept too long. the tide would be coming in and his three youngest children were still put collecting shells on the island. He leaped through the door and ran toward the beach, stumbling over the jagged, cutting rocks.

"My children, my children!" he shouted. "Someone help my children!" He could see the little island and the rising water between it and the shore. He could faintly make out the outlineof the three small bodies against the rugged rocks. "My children will drown. Oh, God, my babies will die. Someone help me!" The water was rising. Only a matter of time. Higher and higher.

A short distance down the beach he saw a group of picnickers. They would help. His legs nearly buckled as he ran. Nearing the group, he saw his older sons.

"Sit down, Father, and join our potluck. Here's a chair. We were just wishing that you could be here with us. We wanted to tell you how much we love you."

"You'd better rest a minut, Father. You shouldn't run like that in your age. What's the trouble?"

"The island - the little ones are out there. They're going to die!" Great sobs tore through his body.

"Now, Father, calm down! I'm sure it isn't that bad. Look, the rocks are above water." John clumsily patted the old grey hair, then lifted his father's face to his. "Take it easy. We're here with you, and we love you so much."

"But you don't understand. The tide is rising. Oh, my babies! Please, oh, please, help me!"

"There's no rush, Father. Don't let yourself get so worked up. It is not good for your heart. We'd die if anything happened to you. Say, look. There are Joe and Dave and their new lifesaving boat. They're more able to help than we are."

The weary father turned away and shouted into the wind. Joe and Dave, other sons of his, heard and came into to shore.

"Save the children! The island will be covered soon!"

They seemed to understand and strong hands pulled the weeping man into the boat. Then the eager motor sprang to life and they headed out to sea. In the distance he could see three tiny figures clutching the highest rocks as the waves washed about their feet.

"Hurry, please hurry," he cried.

"Yes, Father, we understand. This is a lifesaving boat and it's really grand. We brought it over today just to show it to you. Look - padded seats, air-conditioned cabin, stereo music - the works. this'll be good PR, Father. When people see this, they'll know it's great to be a son of yours." Dave laid his well-muscled arm around the shaking shoulders.

Joe looked over from behind the controls and tried to ease his father's distress. "Cheer up, Father. Say, look at what this beauty can do." He grinned, gave the throttle a thrust, and spun the wheel. The boat turned in a graceful arc and headed into the waves.

"You'te going the wrong way. the tide is coming. Save my children!"

"Yes, Father, we understand. Didn't we tell you? This is a lifesaving boat. We'll go in a minute. But first look at this."

The boat bounded back and forth across the waves, its powerful motor thrusting forward with thrilling power and speed. Joe executed the turns with smoothness and precision.

"No, no! Please, oh, please!" The father's anguished voice tore through the wind.

"Look at this, Father."

He could barely see the little ones now. In horror, he imagined their terror and pain. Only the tips of the rocks broke the water now. As he watches, unable to turn away, the dear, sweet heads, one by one, slipped into the waves and disappeared.

"They are gone!" Unbearable anguish ripped his body and he fell prostrate to the floor.

Then - concerned and tender hands gently cradled his frail body. "Father, we loved you - please, Father..."

He gave no answer or indeed any sign that he had heard.

"Father, we didn't know you cared so much. We love you, Father, don't you understand? If it had been you..."

There was no response. Just wind and waves and - silence.

I got home at 7:15 AM.

Me: I am going to ride with bicycle.
My son: I see...
Me: Do you want to come with?
My Son: I can't. I need to do the bed. He sounds grumpy.
Me: It's alright. I'll wait. I went into the kichen to prepear a cup of coffee.
My mom: Where are you going??
Me: To ride with bicycles.
My mom: Oh, it is too eraly! He just opened his eyes! You can't take him out like that.
Me: I was asking does he wants to come. He told he wants. The end.
My mom: Let him woke up first! You can't go and start doing something so hard so early on the mornig!
Me: Watch us.

*********************

It is just amazing how the things go. Yesterday I went at work with short shirt and it was cold althought sun was shining. Later I went at shop and decided to get a sweater from home. As thought so I did. When I drove back from shop in my woolen sweater I was mad because sun just decided to melt me up in it! Today I was getting home in my sweater and it seemed sooooooo hot so I decided to get my clothes changed and put on a shirt with opened back. And when I was on bicycle and on the streets already I realized that the weather is making fun with me. It was sooooo freezingly cold! I was thinking that it is good I have no willy because in other way it would be just an inch and even that would be inside me... But I don't have it. But I have nipples... Oh dear! My only thought was that I have to ride just quickly enough to get my skin warm!

We have our own rout already. There are some spots where I stop and wait my son to catch me. But till those spots I can ride as fast I can. I like when my hair will take wind under them. It gives the feeling what bird may have when they feel wind under their wings. I stopped in first spot. It was near of a forest. I felt mushrooms smell. I gasped it into my lungs. Oh dear! It was so good! I got down from the bicycle and left it on the side of road when I walked into the forest. The ground was wet from dew. I couldn't see any mushrooms but there were rasberry bushes and under them was some wild strawberries. I did pick some barely red berries. The grass was trodded down. Someone was here before me... ;)

I saw Jakob coming far behind me so I went back to my bicycle and called to him to drive straight and turned down from the street to right. It was quiet area because it was new. Just couple houses and lots of land for new families to buy it and build up their own houses. When I got up on the main street was Jakob waiting me there. I got upset. "I told you to ride on!" Pffttt! Now I have to wait for him again in next place so long time! I passed from him and cranked on while I was standing. I managed to get on 40 km/h! I felt how the wind in my hair blowed away being upset. So what, if I get enough money I will buy a new bicycle for myself and he can have mine current one. His is too heavy for riding.

I did stop in next spot to wait for him. He came finally. I told to him to changes bicycles and he was gladly agree. Oh dear! My kneew poked my chin on his bicycle! :P I drove a bit on but it made wierd noice.
- Jakob, check what the back tyre is doing. I think it is empty.
- Well, it is a bit yeah.
I did stop the bicycle and watched the tyre.
- Nope, I can't ride with it. I am too heavy for the tyre. It will break.
He wasn't happy to swop the bicycles again. I told him that we are going to gas station and will fill it with air. We rode on.

There street went down and after the curv came long straight part. I could see the sky between the houses. Oh dear, how beautiful clouds were on the blue backround! The smell of air was so fresh. The wind in my hair gave me feeling I can fly. Yeah, any minute now I will just strenght my hands up on my sides and fly straight into the sky and press my face into the soft clouds! Oh dear Jeesus, where are you?! Come and rise me up there that I could touch the clouds!

I can do that! I really can do that! I felt joy in my soul and willing to go home and get ready for God works. No empty doings today! I am able to go on again because I know God is with me. Even I turn away from right road sometimes, He will lead me back again and fills me up with good feelings. It has been just wonderful morning today!

We are driving back at home and I see the next spot I should wait him. I watch back and on the long stright road I just can't see him. I hear how Bonnie Tyler starts singing there... "Turn around... Every now and then I think you'll never be the boy I wanted you to be.... Turn around.... But every now and then I see you'll always be the only boy who will be mine the way what you are..." and the sound in my head I turn around to find where he is... There he is ;o)

*****************

I got home and made some sit-ups. Oh, I should do that more often! I should do that every day! I will! Today is just good time to start with it. I did lift my leg behind on my desk and made some chrouches with one leg and then with other one. Good, good. Just what my butt needs. After all of that I leaned back on the table with my hands and made some push-ups as well. Huh! Just a shower to take and I will feel as new person!

*****************

There sings Right Said Fred on my laptop and I will yell to sing with him. "....I'm a model, you know what I meeean.. And I do my little turn on the catwalk.. Yeah, on the catwalk, on the catwalk, yeah! I shake my little touche on the catwalk..." I am creaming my body while I am dancing by the music and sing with. I shake it so all my flabs shake like Homer's belly and moan: "... I'm too sexy for my cat, too sexy for my cat.. Poor pussy, poor pussy cat... I'm too sexy for my love, too sexy for my love... Love's going to leave me...." Hmm.. I am big girl. But it is alright. I love myself as I am and God doesn't give a shit how do I look like. But I am just... so sexy for the world! ;)

Do Not Annoy the Unmedicated Person

I am not irritated. I am NOT irritated! I AM *peep* NOT IRRITATED!

Yeah, I am not. Just little bit off. Isn't it so easy to give up for temptations? You want something so much that you just are going to get it. Without thinking is it good for you or not and far away from thinking is it good for everyone else. It is so easy to give up. And after you have done it is much harder to get back out from the hole you have jumped with your free will.

Strive to enter in at the strait gate: for many, I say unto you, will seek to enter in, and shall not be able. Luke 13:24

I want so much have clean conscience what to show to God. Stand there and feel I have let Him to do everything for cleaning me up. I am so dirty. And since there is still excisting little bit of my own wish to be dirty so long is He unable to get rid off it. So am I doomed? Or it is the bad thing with temptations? You wouldn't be temptated if you would have no desire by the sin. Yeah... But you know what? "Sun will shine alwys" and I will just stand there in middle of sunshine, rise my hands up and suck all the warmness inside me till I exude it back to the world. It is just me - Frog Princess the Sunray!!! And there is anything I can't do because I do know the little truth - God loves me and He sees my fights. He will be allways with me and leads me. He lifts me up even when I do jump myself into the hole...

Because strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it. Mat. 7:14

Right attitude

I was reading a newspaper today. Like always from back to front - horoscope, comics and death announcments... And there it was - black box with announcment that a patient of ours was died. A young man. I remember him. He was tall and always shiny. His head was also shiny like and well polished egg shell. A patient with right attitude. ...and now he is dead.

The Beast

There's a moon over Bourbon Street tonight
I see faces as they pass beneath the pale lamplight
I've no choice but to follow that call
The bright lights, the people, and the moon and all

Deep inside I do believe into happy ends. I really do. Without the happy endings would be life just miserable. Yeah, it is so miserable, cold and empty. And dark. Where did I took my sunshine? I just don't understand... Or where did I lose it? ... Empty. So empty. I haven't felt already long time that kind of emptiness inside me. Even no pain. Fear? Nekah, even the fear is outside of me. I may discern the flicker of fear near of me. It's breathing on my back. But inside of me is just empty. So empty that I have even no words ;)

I pray everyday to be strong
For I know what I do must be wrong
Oh you'll never see my shade or hear the sound of my feet
While there's a moon over Bourbon Street

I need warmness. Just a bit... Is it so much to ask? Not much to ask... just too much to get it. But I am laughing. Hard to understand why. Maybe because I don't know what else to do... or do I try to hide something? And what about God... I am watching at Him and still losing connection... Do I care about that at all... I am standing outside in cold darkness. Everywhere around me are lighted windows where I may see lives of others. Like theatre of shadows... Life! Everwhere. I would like to suck it all inside me... But I am feeded with rats just. To keep me alive... Perhaps I should wait sunrise? Perhaps....

The brim of my hat hides the eye of a beast
I've the face of a sinner but the hands of a priest

To struggle with my instinct in the pale moonlight
How could I be this way when I pray to god above
I must love what I destroy and destroy the thing I love

On this Satturday died a girl here, in the clinic I do work. She was 16. I had seen her here before. Couple last times she had woolen balaclava on... to warm her hairless head. She turned away at home. Went bananas... Started yelling... Probably from pain. Her parents brought her here and a nurse injected morphium to her. She calmed down. Just a bit later she died. Just like that. 16 years of life what ended in such a pain...

Shit happens...

...but still smiling after all.

Great picture! ;) Looks sooooo real. Although it all happened couple days ago already are the tears forgotten already. Just clentching feeling is still there. The fear. My life is just a boxing match. There have been so many rounds that I don't know anymore which one is that. I just got knocked down but seems that the hits have made me strong enough. I got up after they could count to 3! I just have to stay up till the end now. Just fear is still there. I do really fear my enemy...

Friends...

Oh, get up and go to move yourself! The McDonalds doesn't help much watch your weight!

I refuse to get up but my body drags me slowly to the bicycle. I haven't missed a day on it except the days I am working 24 in the clinic on Vallikraavi street. Today I am on Lina street. No patient yet. They will arrive on the evening or tomorrow some time on the morning. I have just stlept today. It is even good because I need to sleep full my missed hours during the week.

I push my bicycle out and start my every evening rout to Ihaste. I set on max gears and start crank. Jee, it is hard like life. If you don't want to fall then you have to move your legs. I called to Margo today. By accident. I wanted to text but double click on the Skype window started the call not message window. So what. Let I call then. He was home and alone.

Margo: How are you then?
Heleri (me): Fine. I just saw your message lately in Skype. Sorry I didn't react on it ealier ;)
M: So it is. You have forgot me.
H: Not true. Just have been busy. How are you?
M: Fine. (I do hear him making some noice on keyboard.) Riho just told me MSN "hi capitalist". What damned capitalist I am?! He is just mad I refused advise him free. IT IS MY BREAD! How can come one Riho and expect I give my bread away!
H: He is your friend....
M: What f***ing friend! I know friends like that! YOu do once to them something good and then they think that he is just a Margo and he always will do everything! NO! It is not like that! I had 4 so said "sisters" who.. actually 3 of them who asked service from (hmmm... am I that one sis who he left out? I do rise my eyebrows...) me and we had official agreement how much they have to pay for that and they haven't.
H: Ok, ok! I got your point. I hope you had some of your moods and you were joking with him.
M: No I was not. I really mean it!
H: Heaven sake! You sound like an old man I was talking yesterday! He thinks he is navel of the world because he has a farm somewhere in Texas where is so much land that he rides 2 days from one side to other with horse. That it makes him the king because he has 40 full time workers and 25 part time workers and only thing what matters is the money he has. And how he hates christians and would put all christian women pregnant without no DNA test for them!
M (laughs): Do not compare me with that old man. I just wanted to make my point that I don't need relatives like that. Why should I advise some one without getting paid for that?
H: Hmm.. how much do i own you for your current time I do waste?
M: Don't start you too. I can see there is sitting otherside of PC another socialist! Tell me would you give me 500 krones just like that?
H: I would if I would have. (I have half-smile on my face. We have started conversation with such passion!)
M: Jee, another socialist is the Rihos lifemate. She also tells crap like that! Would you give 500 to me every months!? Just like that?
H: I am not an socialist! I would give it to you when I would know you really need it. If you get food for that 500 krones or pair of trausers. Why should I give it to you without that? Although I do see your point I still don't understand what costs you an advise for a friend???! Ah!
M: Oh dear, I can't find a friend from you too!
H: Jee, do I have to lick your ass when I am your friend? If you need friends who kiss your butt and who watch into your mouth like you would spit gold out from there and say "Yes, master!" after every your sentence then you should call to Riho!
M: He doesn't lick my ass also anymore... Oh, I have drilled them here. I told to Rihos sister who is working in a shop that there is no point to stay into the shop for whole her life. She should do something with her life. Oh dear, she got mad! It is alway so when you care and try to change their lives that they would climp out from the s**t they are...
H: Oh great! You think you have right to critisize everyones life like that? You just will spit out everything what your saliva brings on your toungue and you hope they will be thankful for that? You do lose all your friends with attitude like that...

Oh, I passed from the street I had to turn down! I turn aroun thoughtfully and start cranking back along the road I rode. The old lady still sits in the bus stop. Probably she thinks I am wierd. i just passed from her and now i am going back. But it means nothing for me. I want to turn out from the street Age showed me day before yesterday. She didn't want to make bigger circle because she was not ready for spontanneous decision like that. I don't need to plan my life in so small details so I may go and see what the area is showing to me.

M: Jee, Heleri! I don't need friends like that. When I am in troble then I will be there anyway alone. Then doesn't help me anyone. Why should I help them then?
H: You know, I really do see your point but I am too much christian for that. You need ask help to get it. Often people around you don't understand you need help.
M: Of course I do ask when I need it but they can't help me anyway. They don't have that power.
H: Right! Let's put all christian pregnant and kill them too!
M: Do not worry. There will come a day when I make baby for you too!
H: Oh, yes! Sex of mercy!
M (laughs): Ha-ha-haa! Sex of mercy.... Are you really now so christian...
H: Yes I am.
M: Are you happy with that?
H: Yes I am.

I do smile and think on my life. The area is really beautiful. Small houses and amasing gardens. Just like little paradise. The best place where let your thoughts to run... I really am happy. I feel so alive and active and useful. I have everything I need to go on. I have my job, I have my studings, I have my plans and wish to go on, I have time for riding with bicycle and now and then go to blade with roller blades. I am fall in love with my butt (it may be big for someone but they don't know how big it was before...), I do have social life in church and out of it, I do have friends and I like a guy... Yeah, I do like the guy but that's not so good actually. I am not ready to get involved any serios relationship yet. I would take brake for 4 years about ;o) Till I have my studies. I need my heart there but when I am in love I lose my heart totally and it may ruin my plans so dear God, let us be just good friends and keep my heart beating too quickly for him. I will give it all to you to lead.

You should love...

It was long morning in church today. I got in bed at 2 AM and out from it 6:10 AM. I was doing congregation infosheet yesterday and getting ready for children lesson. I needed to run early to church today because I had to make lots of copies from the infopage, get ready the children class and read the mission story as well. So I had to make a plan.

I did dress up. Since my clothes were a bit too large I had to needle the button a bit more closer. I looked up my black shoes with high heels and made my hair. I did add some mascara on my eyelashes and tone my lips a bit. Then I sat down behind my desk and swiched on my laptop. I needed sometihng more for children lesson. I found the some bible textes for Sword Drill and some questions for quiz. I took my stuff and we went to churc to get there for 8 AM.

Even the doors were closed! But we got in. I managed to make all copies. During fold up them I was reading and repeating the children story and tried to tell it. So when I finished folding then the story was in my head. 9:45 I ran up to the ceremony room to read the mission story. Not much people were there and the microfon was not switched on yet. But I have strong voice. After the reading I ran down to children class and it went great. I finished it on time and got up into ceremony room over long time too early. They were singing still the first song from the song moment. Usually I am still down when the ceremony has started... The Pathfinders arranged the ceremony so my son had also something to say for congregation about smart choices (I wrote the text last night!!!). Lots of songs and then the preacher part... The pastor was from Valgas congregation. He is youngest pastor in Estonia in our congregation. And his preacher was soooooo good. He was talking very well and made everyone to listen him and the topic was good as well. We had argued last week on mission board about the topic and now it was exactly what my soul needed. That my thoughts were right about it. I am thankful for God that He showed I am going on the right way.

He was talking about love inside of cogregation. He told that quit often men will come and say that they want the cogregation/pastor/people would do THAT to them. But actually we should watch inside ourselves and ask what we are ready to do others. And should we wait for someting back?

"Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy. But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust. For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? do not even the publicans the same? And if ye salute your brethren only, what do ye more than others? do not even the publicans so? Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect." (Matthew 5:43-48)

It is beautiful message, isn't it? Everyone do good to others and wait that others will do the good back to them. Are we then differt from the publicans when we do the same? Of course not. It is so easy to love back when someone loves you. It is so good to care about someone if you are cared by him/her as well. But good persons should love also when they are not loved back, care also when they never get back the carings from there. That's the love.

It was message of the pastor's preacher and it really touched deeply my heart.

Changes...

I stopped today in front of mirror. I had something in my eye. When I plinked it out I was just standing there and watching at myself. There I was, with weight what was lot more than just overweight. Actually 2 months and some days ago I was not fat but even 15,5 kg over max line of being fat. I weight 133,5 kg... But today when I was
watching my face, the skin, my eyes and my smile, I was falling in love with me. Today I am just fat. Today I weighted finally 118 kg and it is just being fat! It's the maximum line but still. 2 more months like that and I will be just a little bit over 100 kg and it means that I am getting close to the max line of over weight. But that's not even important. What is important is that I was watching myself and my heart sang a song for me. I like myself. A lot. I have lived so much over and I am more alive than I have been last 10 years together.

I lost a job on England. When I did returned I found my son had really big probelms at school with studying so I was sitting at home and helping him to get all done for next school day and it meant I had no possibility to find a job. I fall into really deep depression till I was very close to suicide. I pushed everyone away from myself and hurted my beloved ones with my words and acts. I was ugly and fat and I did hate myself. And I didn't get tired to replay it to myself and my fiance. I couldn't find the way out from that. Then God remind Himslef trough a forum I started reading. When I was thinking that looking for help from church could be worth to try and my fiance supported me in the thought. I told him that may have fatal concequence because once there I may not leave from there but it was alright to him. Came out he believed God. Jee... I didn't know him at all. The church and refound God changed my life. My child got into new school and the problems with his study resolved. The first place where I went to ask a job took me at work. I have worked there already 1 year and 4 months. The work place have gaved me really good oportunities to start my study what has been great. The angels have been with me on every my step at collage and hold me in my studies. Jee... and that happened after I found a God again. What was it? Coincidentce? Yeah, believe that then if you wish. I know it was God. God's grace is just wonderful. My life was changed. Now it was needed to changes me as well. You know, it takes really long to study to love God even when He makes wonderful things to you. I lost my fiance. I think that it was too much to him and he wasn't ready for so big changes. I do understand it actually. Althougt it doesn't make easier to lose someone you have loved with all your heart and to who you are really thankful for support and love he gaved to me before. Even when I was really deep down with myself. It was really hard time for me and I had quite many battles what could get me down into the deep darknes again. I wished to abandon everything I had. Wanted to go back to walk alone on the street, to bring back alcochol and smokes and parties and men into my life. I wanted to forgot the pain with all of that. I was angry on God He let it to happen. I begged Him to change it all back. Althought a really strong voice inside me told that it is alright. It is even better that way. Trust God because He has made wonderful things in your life. He will turn the pain for joy inside you. I really didn't want to listen that because the heartpain for love is really hard to abide. Time passed and my prayers change. I asked to get rid off my pain and forgot the love I felt. Every time the pain was burring me I begged God to rip off my feelings for him from me, to make me heartless that I never could feel the pain again. And he did it. After prayers I got back my inside piece and one day I didn't feel love anymore and no pain. I got back my life. Well, I lost 10 kg with 3 weeks and after that my weight have lost bit by bit and it is still decreasing. I got bicycle and I really love the time on it. I spend on it more time than I should because I need to still do my last efforts for studings but the days have been so nice... I have more time for my new friends and church activity. I have more time for myself and God. I feel useful for world and what most important - my old dream to commit myself for friends and people around me are coming true as well. I feel myself beautiful and so alive! It is why I prais God now! And for ever.

Do I miss back life I had befor? Nope. Not the life. Maybe I do miss my ex-fiance and the way how he did care about me, but not even that so much anymore. He is like ich in my soul but that's nothing what our current relationship could not cover and we are... to say that friends would be too much. But since we know each other quite well then we can tell more things to eachother than for usual acquaintance. The ich may be also from that I can't say now everything what I could tell to him before and that is making the relationship a bit like balancing on the rope but that's alright as well. It's why I do have Margo and Janne and Dreamer and Kärt and Joosep and Toomas and Kaile and... - to say what is iching in me and they do understand it. My life is worth every minute I have. I pray I could use them well but not so well that I would forget people around me. Life is not things around you. Life is relationships what you do have. And it would be really good if very most of them would be positive ;o)

Lord, I hope this day is good

AAAAAAAA! I have new mobile phone!! Brand new!! Dark, shiny, exactly like I wanted!! I am soooooooo excited!!! SOOOO EXCITED!!

Oh, and almost got hitted by a jeep on the crosswalk when I had green light! 2 cm away from death! Jee... I have to be careful with my wishes. They may come when you don't wait for them anymore! :P

Hmm... what would say Margo or Dreamer or scaterplot if they would hear about my death? Maybe even couple months later? Jee... my friends are so far away from me ;o(

*******************

It is just amazing how God I active in our lives if we let Him to be. Those little things what have bothered us and when you have asked Him, He has then just took away from your life or the little things you have asked to add, He has gave to you. Even if it is just a lost keys what you have tried to find half of your day. You have paniced and cried and blamed everyone around you and when you just kneel down and rise your hands and eyes for help you just find them from the first place you go or watch.