watching my face, the skin, my eyes and my smile, I was falling in love with me. Today I am just fat. Today I weighted finally 118 kg and it is just being fat! It's the maximum line but still. 2 more months like that and I will be just a little bit over 100 kg and it means that I am getting close to the max line of over weight. But that's not even important. What is important is that I was watching myself and my heart sang a song for me. I like myself. A lot. I have lived so much over and I am more alive than I have been last 10 years together.
I lost a job on England. When I did returned I found my son had really big probelms at school with studying so I was sitting at home and helping him to get all done for next school day and it meant I had no possibility to find a job. I fall into really deep depression till I was very close to suicide. I pushed everyone away from myself and hurted my beloved ones with my words and acts. I was ugly and fat and I did hate myself. And I didn't get tired to replay it to myself and my fiance. I couldn't find the way out from that. Then God remind Himslef trough a forum I started reading.
When I was thinking that looking for help from church could be worth to try and my fiance supported me in the thought. I told him that may have fatal concequence because once there I may not leave from there but it was alright to him. Came out he believed God. Jee... I didn't know him at all. The church and refound God changed my life. My child got into new school and the problems with his study resolved. The first place where I went to ask a job took me at work. I have worked there already 1 year and 4 months. The work place have gaved me really good oportunities to start my study what has been great. The angels have been with me on every my step at collage and hold me in my studies. Jee... and that happened after I found a God again. What was it? Coincidentce? Yeah, believe that then if you wish. I know it was God. God's grace is just wonderful. My life was changed. Now it was needed to changes me as well. You know, it takes really long to study to love God even when He makes wonderful things to you. I lost my fiance. I think that it was too much to him and he wasn't ready for so big changes. I do understand it actually. Althougt it doesn't make easier to lose someone you have loved with all your heart and to who you are really thankful for support and love he gaved to me before. Even when I was really deep down with myself. It was really hard time for me and I had quite many battles what could get me down into the deep darknes again. I wished to abandon everything I had. Wanted to go back to walk alone on the street, to bring back alcochol and smokes and parties and men into my life. I wanted to forgot the pain with all of that. I was angry on God He let it to happen. I begged Him to change it all back. Althought a really strong voice inside me told that it is alright. It is even better that way. Trust God because He has made wonderful things in your life. He will turn the pain for joy inside you. I really didn't want to listen that because the heartpain for love is really hard to abide. Time passed and my prayers change. I asked to get rid off my pain and forgot the love I felt. Every time the pain was burring me I begged God to rip off my 
feelings for him from me, to make me heartless that I never could feel the pain again. And he did it. After prayers I got back my inside piece and one day I didn't feel love anymore and no pain. I got back my life. Well, I lost 10 kg with 3 weeks and after that my weight have lost bit by bit and it is still decreasing. I got bicycle and I really love the time on it. I spend on it more time than I should because I need to still do my last efforts for studings but the days have been so nice... I have more time for my new friends and church activity. I have more time for myself and God. I feel useful for world and what most important - my old dream to commit myself for friends and people around me are coming true as well. I feel myself beautiful and so alive! It is why I prais God now! And for ever.Do I miss back life I had befor? Nope. Not the life. Maybe I do miss my ex-fiance and the way how he did care about me, but not even that so much anymore. He is like ich in my soul but that's nothing what our current relationship could not cover and we are... to say that friends would be too much. But since we know each other quite well then we can tell more things to eachother than for usual acquaintance. The ich may be also from that I can't say now everything what I could tell to him before and that is making the relationship a bit like balancing on the rope but that's alright as well. It's why I do have Margo and Janne and Dreamer and Kärt and Joosep and Toomas and Kaile and... - to say what is iching in me and they do understand it. My life is worth every minute I have. I pray I could use them well but not so well that I would forget people around me. Life is not things around you. Life is relationships what you do have. And it would be really good if very most of them would be positive ;o)
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