It was really beautiful day. The morning was cold but very bright. Golden fall. The maple tree under my window is gorgeous red. I got out ealier than usual. Just wanted to enjoy that wonderful morning on bicycle. I was biking trough centrum of Tartu. It was not very crowded. My fingers felt painful cold when I was biking trogh park on near the river there. It remainded me the pain leading course last weak when we had to hold icecube in our fist and breath the pain away to get any clue what is childbirth pain. I started automatically breath like a parturient in pain to lead my pain off from my fingers. It worked. But it was probably quit funny for ppl because they turned their heads. That kind of breathing catches attention ideed.
Anyway, morning was nice till I fell with bicycle. It didn't hurt so much me but my bicycle. It works still but is somehow wrong... I have to go to service when I have time. If I will have it at all... I feel now that my left hand is sore and also my right tight. My right elbrow lost skin as well... But I am alive. And that's all what matters. I am very alive and doing emotionally well. Physically I am tired like hell :) And second night in row at work... If I will survive this week then I will survive always. Test tomorrow and prelinary examination tomorrow...
I will survive because I have God watching over me :)
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Sunday, September 21, 2008
I am pretty!!
I do feel as pretty too! :D I know it is important but for me it is important that others around me noticed that too :) I was sneaking to the morning worshiping a bit later and stand behind in last line when Kaarin stepped to me and told me "You look so beautiful today!" And I am not very close with her at all. I even barely talk with her! So I did blush I guess and mumbled some thanking words just. Later after worship I was downstairs again and waiting for Jakob when Joosep was passing from me and started conversation about a topic what popped up on the morning. And after that before he left he told me that I look really great today!!! But there were more people who were saying that. I even can't remember all of them. Helin told "You have changed somehow... Did you dye your hair? No... Are they longer? No... What happened with you? Haven't I seen you really so long that you have changed so much? You are really pretty. Are you in love?" Hahahaaa! Am I? ;)
I AM PRETTY!!!!!! And whole world has to hear it!!! :D
I AM PRETTY!!!!!! And whole world has to hear it!!! :D
I have caught cold. I have sneezed all day. I hope to God to not stay ill. Although deep in me is little wish still to stay in bed for a day or two... Nah, I have no time for that. I have even no time to sit down and put down all good thoughts I have had or got. I do remember moments when I have thought: "Oh that's good idea. I need to remember it. I need to write it down later!" But I never remember later what was the good idea. Odd. I should get a notebook for cases like that to not forget. Next time I will forget my name as well... But time is flying indeed. So quickly that it scares me. It was just last Sunday when I felt really crappy and was crying and doing circus with letters to the Frog. It just makes me sick today when I think on it. I have been ridiculous. But I don't suffer much about that :). I have understood that even as a christian I have right for feelings. And I do have feelings. :) That's true I do miss the Frog but I have understood that he has nothing to offer me anymore. I had idealised him and he became as some mythic hero who I did love. But he is just a man. Like Mel Gibson. Oh, I do like Mel still!!! A LOT!! But he has lost his power over me :). Because even him is just a man...
I do know the Frog's life is not easy just now and I really would like to support him or give some hope. God sees I have tried that too. But there will be always an invisible wall between us "what does he think about me when I do that" from my side and "what does she wait from me again" from his side. And the wall will be there what ever how innocent and from heart coming are acts or words. So all I am going to do is praying for him. If he needs my help he can always ask. Is giving help acceptable for me or not depends on the reques of help itself. I feel somehow too free. It is a bit sad feeling. Like something is missing in me. Like feeling guilty... Odd. I feel guilty that I am not unhappy. That's really odd...
Feeling guilty is an intresting topic anyway. We were talking about it yesterday at women's evening after evening worship. People feel guilty for wrong things. When they should feel guilty they look for someone else to blame and when they should not feel guilty they are doing that. I am supper feeling guilty for wrong things! I felt guilty when I told to Anne that I am not continueing as Sabbath school teacher anymore because I have no time for that. I felt guilty because I knew it meant for her she has to start finding new teacher and it takes time and lots of efforts from her. But come on! It IS her job! Why I had to feel guilty for that? Find a cat now :). Well, I don't feel guilty anymore. She haven't found anyone yet but still.. my understandings have changed.
I am changed a lot actually. My time is filled up with thousand things and I am really amazed in God's grace that He have been with me and haven't let me to fall. I love Him for that and all my plans for future have aimed to Him. And that knowing fills me with happy-happy feelings. I just watch back in my life and see a person there who was laughing at persons like me now. I never believed that you can love God so much that your attention for other things on the Earth have gone. It is possible :). And yes, I am happy :). Happy and full of peace. There my be moments for sorrow and tears but they never rule me again.
My biggest fear at moment is that time flies. Oh heaven sake how quickly!! I hope that when I will be old I still remember something from my life! On this speed it passes too quickly :) I need wisdom from God to live my life without big mistakes. I keep doing them when I am in hurry... :)
I do know the Frog's life is not easy just now and I really would like to support him or give some hope. God sees I have tried that too. But there will be always an invisible wall between us "what does he think about me when I do that" from my side and "what does she wait from me again" from his side. And the wall will be there what ever how innocent and from heart coming are acts or words. So all I am going to do is praying for him. If he needs my help he can always ask. Is giving help acceptable for me or not depends on the reques of help itself. I feel somehow too free. It is a bit sad feeling. Like something is missing in me. Like feeling guilty... Odd. I feel guilty that I am not unhappy. That's really odd...
Feeling guilty is an intresting topic anyway. We were talking about it yesterday at women's evening after evening worship. People feel guilty for wrong things. When they should feel guilty they look for someone else to blame and when they should not feel guilty they are doing that. I am supper feeling guilty for wrong things! I felt guilty when I told to Anne that I am not continueing as Sabbath school teacher anymore because I have no time for that. I felt guilty because I knew it meant for her she has to start finding new teacher and it takes time and lots of efforts from her. But come on! It IS her job! Why I had to feel guilty for that? Find a cat now :). Well, I don't feel guilty anymore. She haven't found anyone yet but still.. my understandings have changed.
I am changed a lot actually. My time is filled up with thousand things and I am really amazed in God's grace that He have been with me and haven't let me to fall. I love Him for that and all my plans for future have aimed to Him. And that knowing fills me with happy-happy feelings. I just watch back in my life and see a person there who was laughing at persons like me now. I never believed that you can love God so much that your attention for other things on the Earth have gone. It is possible :). And yes, I am happy :). Happy and full of peace. There my be moments for sorrow and tears but they never rule me again.
My biggest fear at moment is that time flies. Oh heaven sake how quickly!! I hope that when I will be old I still remember something from my life! On this speed it passes too quickly :) I need wisdom from God to live my life without big mistakes. I keep doing them when I am in hurry... :)
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Words into air....
It was good week. Busy and productive and a bit retrospective and even hurtful.
Weekdays:
The week started really densely. I was working 24h on Sunday. The shift ended on Monday morning when I rushed at med college to have my lessons there. They had to last till 5 PM. And I had to be at 3 PM in other college. I think the distance between those colleges is about 5 km. It takes about 15 minutes with quick ride there. Happily I let fix my breaks as well last week so I could crank till my calf were in cramp. I did stay a bit late but I made it still. I got there when everyone was talking and I had to sneak in and sit near to the door in very bad position. But I still made it! In the end of that opening told pastor Bob that there will come 3 classes - 0, 5 and 10 points classes. Everyone had to decide where they do belong and stay with the teachers who were running the class then. Although my exam gave me just 62 points and it made just 6.2, I still decided to join with 10 points class :). Since it was just discussion glass and I got for verbal part 19 points from 20 (it would be then 9.5 from 10) I thought I have right to be there. And I did like pastor Bob as well :).
This day I could not stay till end of it because I had to be back at work at 7 PM and the course ended at 7 PM as well. So I rushed away before it. Happily I have bicycle. The best thing I ever have decided to get for myself. I just would not have money for gas to drive with car. I am really short of it now :). But that is finally a thing about what I don’t complain!
Actually I am doing well with that complaining part. One day I just realized I do not complain at all. Oh yes, I do want but I am not a whiner. It was really big relief. And it has made me more confident and happy. I have worried myself sick about I am such a complainer and now… buff! And I am not one of them! How did I come on that? Well, one day I had my college friend at my place. We had to study but 2 women together… we were just talking about men. And then I told I am such and whiner and she started laugh and told she has always admired me that I never complain. That she has never ever heard me complaining! Then she told me that she is complaining and it was my turn to laugh and tell to her she never does it because it was so true. And then suddenly I did realize that whatever I am but I am not and complainer. And next day said another college mate to me that she admire me and that how I can do so much without any complains! Thank you God, that you let me to hear that all and realize that my only complains were complains over me complaining all the time :). After that told Martin to me that I am really great person and then I got couple emails from some pretty handsome guy who told me I am really pretty and they never believe I am single and they would like to get me to know more! Bah!! I have never felt myself better than during last and this week! (I never answered to emails of course because I never answer on that kind of flatters. And although I am single I prefer friends in IRL and IRC. From first place because they already know me. And from other place because they do not know me and don’t start to talk with me because of the pictures they have seen on Facebook or MySpace. I am picky :).) But all of that have done good for me. It has lifted up me being self-confident. I can breath freely now.
Continues!
************************
Thursday:
I had some lessons on the morning and then I had about 1.5 hours spare time so I did bike at home. Tomorrow had to be my last time to see my americans. Pastor Bob got really close for my heart and soul. I really longed to give something to him to show how much I appreciate his presence in my life. I had couple things in my cupboard what had really important meaning for me. But I needed to get rid off them...
************************
Friday:
During the day I was at work. 12 hours. It means I had to be till 7 PM. I hoped that I can go away half past 4 when I am finished. We have always let others away about this time when everything is done. No point to keep them there. And it is nice to get away earlier yourself as well. But today that other care giver was a bit upset. I don’t know why. But it was already half past 4 when she was not still gave any note to me I can leave. At 5 I told that I am leaving now and she told that I have today 12 hours with tone what said greatly that she wanted to keep me there longer. I felt how my eyebrows frown up and I was thinking that I will see that next time when she wants to leave earlier as well. But I smiled at her and told I know. She told after that it is up on me and she is not going to keep me there. I did left.
I just flied away. It was last day I saw Bob and others. And I had gifts for him. I got at college, lock my bicycle and ran to my class room. It was empty. Empty!? Under my heart went all cold. Ah but there he was then. All alone in “watering hole” – in the room we had some refreshments between studies. He hugged me and we started our lesson. Tiiu were in other group to translate because Annaliisa was late. First of all I gave my gifts to pastor Bob. I loved to do that when we were alone. It was more personal and I wanted to show to him how much I care of what he had given to me. I do thank you God, in it. He was the man I needed into my life to point out my wrongs there.
He was really excited about gifts. Or it is just a way for Americans to show out they are. He was showing to everyone what he got and we made several pictures. Hopefully I will get one day those photos and can update the blog. After the excited gift sharing part we read the Bible. We read the story about Amnon and Tamar. Really sad story in the Bible. All the lesson ended up me talking about my life and what do I think is going on there. I started from time I came back to church, how I got a job and went to college, how my heart got broken up and how I went into other college as well. What plans I have with my life and how I am not able to read God’s will in my life. He told me that if God haven’t close my ways then I have went right. He told lots of good things what did console me and after all he told me I am great and lovely person. … even if I hide my real feelings behind laugh :).
Then it was all over. Last song, last prayer, hugs and I had to run because I was already late to my church mission board meeting. I got there half past 7 PM. There were 3 of us – Toomas as leader of mission apartment, pastor Rein and me. We made couple of decision and one of them was to get together again next Friday to continue discussing about some of the decisions we made. It was half past over 10 PM I got home on this good and a bit sad day. But the Sabbath was almost there. The day I was waited for so long already. Great sleep and rest what I needed.
************************
Sabbath:
It was Sabbath yesterday. I really waited for the day. I had have really busy week behind and I was tired. I waited the Sabbath morning because I knew I can sleep till at 8 AM. But it was still too early for me because I got bed at 2 am. I was taking part in a channel op’s meeting as a guest. They had there and hearing for some ops who had abused their power on an another op and he was upset. So since I was asked to take part of it I did it gladly to please the owner of the channel since he is my friend. His name is Martin. He is really special person with his sad story of life. He I really smart. I call him as genie (not from a gin but genius ;)). He calls himself as a geek. Well, maybe he is. If we call as geek people who are with very high IQ, shy and alone still when they are 36. It is why IRC is really good. You let every kind of people become as your friends and later you really don’t care how they look like. Although everyone (included me) is talking about that what counts is person inside you than outlook you have we still do our decisions first about what we see. I like genie a lot. Although he is too smart for me and things what excite him is often too complicate and boring for me, he is still really great person. If I would not know he is not and christian I would count him as deeply religious because of the views he has. He is a looking outside person. It means he is unselfish and peaceful person. He have made me feel good as well and things what he has told have gave me idea that I am not such a bad person at all.
[13:16:27] LadyScapy: unbelievable how sad I feel today :P
[13:16:30] LadyScapy: eewww
[13:16:34] LadyScapy: it hurts :P
[13:29:52] EG: awww
[13:29:55] * EG hugs LadyScapy
[13:30:06] * EG doesnt want LadyScapy to ever feel sad :)
Part of a letter he sent me and others yesterday about that op’s hearing made me smile. He just quoted me:
’LadyScapy in my opinion put it beautifully -- "Remember that words are like birds. When you free them... it is impossible to catch them again. So.... husssss!"’
I can say openly that yes, I do like attention. But I have to confess that I like that attention even more because it is not cause of flirts or playing around. He makes me feel really warm inside and I am really sorry we are too different to become more than friends. His inside is really nice.
Well, but whatever happened early on this morning, I got up and dressed and were at 9 am in the first Bible study class. I have decided to attend every Sabbath in both lessons. At 9 and at 10. And if it reminds to me then I do watch it on laptop at 2 PM from Hope Channel as well in Internet. So I did on this fine day. Since I have ran totally out of money I made revision in my veggies to see what I can cook for today. I found some carrots, potatoes, turnips and a kohlrabi. I loaded up Hope Channel and turned it quit loud to hear it into the kitchen. So I was there… peeling and cutting veggies into pieces when I got phone call. Wow! Margo! It was always lovely to hear his voice. He called couple days ago but I could not answer quickly enough and had to call back. He never answered for the call or did not call back again. Now he was on the phone and he was in Tartu. He was asking how am I and told that maybe he has time later meet me. Yay!!! He was coming! Maybe… In 5 minutes later he called and said he has a bit time so he is coming now. The client he had to meet, could not do the appointment on the time. It got postponed and he came at me. Well, he was near of me anyway. He was in the hotel Dorpat near of bus station. And it is about a minute away. It was really nice to hug him again. We sat down and was talking till he got up. We were still talking when he was on the door and he told me that maybe he will be back later to see me. I was waiting for him.
I was in church when he called again. It was half past 6 pm. I told to Jakob I am going home and that he would come later home as well and ran home. The church is also about a minute to walk away at my place. He was waiting me in front of the house. I was happy to see him. He makes me always feel really comfy and happy. We laugh a lot and we have our jokes what only we do understand. I had possibility to tell him about how I am doing and I poured out all my grumpiness on him. Well, trough laugh of course. But it is only way I really can do that anyway. I told to him that I miss really a lot that someone would cuddle me when I complain about my life and he laughed but then cuddled me. He put my head on his lap and was stroking my hair during I was talking and listening him. And then he had to leave again. Thank you, God, for a friend like Margo. Thank you a lot.
************************
Sunday:
Today, on Sunday, I am feeling kinda away. I feel sad and alone and I can't stop tears running down from my cheeks. I know it is needed to feel even sorrow but I wouldn't want to feel it today when I am at work. I have to learn to deal with my feelings. But that's probably question of being alone. You have feelings you can't share with no-one because you are just alone. The feelings what you really need to share but no-one who would listen them so you have to just write them into air. But does it help?
My heart wants to explode. Love is powerful feeling. I am not able to kill it inside me. I was looking songs from my old emails what my frog sent to me years ago and there were letters from my happy time with him. I didn't read any of them but seeing the titles was painful enough. I did felt really deep sadness in me because of him. All the feelings I want to share with him, all the event's what is happened in my life - all what I want to share with him and I can't... It is really depressing. I actually know that he would say to me that I can tell to him everything but I am pretty sure he knows himself as well it is nonsense. You can't share yourself with someone who does not care about you. Does not care you enough to wish listen me with interest and compassion. For sharing you need closeness, not that someone listens you because it seems to be something what is needed to do. And that hurts so much there is no closeness between us anymore. So there I am. Writing my special feelings into air. The knowing that the moment of sorrow will pass is still comforting. Just why it has to take so long time?
Sometimes I just think that it was so unfair to happen to me. When the feelings did burst out from me I did sent an email to my frog with question "Why did you stop loving me?" and as soon as I pressed send, I knew it was so wrong to do. But when you are bubbling inside then sometimes it just runs over edge. It was embarrassing but I couldn't do anything anymore. He reacted as he had to. I have idealized him. And I although I know he has changed and lots of things he does does hurt me now but I in my retrospective he was caring and loving and listened me always. So I have made him as hero of mine. It is idealistic. I even know his bads but they have fade all away. When I even think back on his answer today I see how unfair he has been with me. He always told that we need to talk and I believed he does talk with me when he needed but he looked that shoulder from somewhere else. And most of all hurts that he blames me in it. In that long issue ago when I was looking a shoulder from somewhere else and almost broke up with him... And although my heart was so far away from him I loved him too much to leave him. Why couldn't he love me so much, I don't know. Why I don't hate him because what he did for me, I don't know... How is it possible to love someone so much at all, I still don't know. Am I able to give my heart to someone else at all anymore, I really don't know...
I locked myself into toilet today for crying and praying because I just couldn't carry it anymore. I know that God has plans with me and I am ready to give myself under His will. All I ask is peace into my heart and mind and someone who loves me and who I would be able to love. Yeah dear God, give me that someone and give me ability to love him as my heart is loving someone who won't give air for that.
Weekdays:
The week started really densely. I was working 24h on Sunday. The shift ended on Monday morning when I rushed at med college to have my lessons there. They had to last till 5 PM. And I had to be at 3 PM in other college. I think the distance between those colleges is about 5 km. It takes about 15 minutes with quick ride there. Happily I let fix my breaks as well last week so I could crank till my calf were in cramp. I did stay a bit late but I made it still. I got there when everyone was talking and I had to sneak in and sit near to the door in very bad position. But I still made it! In the end of that opening told pastor Bob that there will come 3 classes - 0, 5 and 10 points classes. Everyone had to decide where they do belong and stay with the teachers who were running the class then. Although my exam gave me just 62 points and it made just 6.2, I still decided to join with 10 points class :). Since it was just discussion glass and I got for verbal part 19 points from 20 (it would be then 9.5 from 10) I thought I have right to be there. And I did like pastor Bob as well :).
This day I could not stay till end of it because I had to be back at work at 7 PM and the course ended at 7 PM as well. So I rushed away before it. Happily I have bicycle. The best thing I ever have decided to get for myself. I just would not have money for gas to drive with car. I am really short of it now :). But that is finally a thing about what I don’t complain!
Actually I am doing well with that complaining part. One day I just realized I do not complain at all. Oh yes, I do want but I am not a whiner. It was really big relief. And it has made me more confident and happy. I have worried myself sick about I am such a complainer and now… buff! And I am not one of them! How did I come on that? Well, one day I had my college friend at my place. We had to study but 2 women together… we were just talking about men. And then I told I am such and whiner and she started laugh and told she has always admired me that I never complain. That she has never ever heard me complaining! Then she told me that she is complaining and it was my turn to laugh and tell to her she never does it because it was so true. And then suddenly I did realize that whatever I am but I am not and complainer. And next day said another college mate to me that she admire me and that how I can do so much without any complains! Thank you God, that you let me to hear that all and realize that my only complains were complains over me complaining all the time :). After that told Martin to me that I am really great person and then I got couple emails from some pretty handsome guy who told me I am really pretty and they never believe I am single and they would like to get me to know more! Bah!! I have never felt myself better than during last and this week! (I never answered to emails of course because I never answer on that kind of flatters. And although I am single I prefer friends in IRL and IRC. From first place because they already know me. And from other place because they do not know me and don’t start to talk with me because of the pictures they have seen on Facebook or MySpace. I am picky :).) But all of that have done good for me. It has lifted up me being self-confident. I can breath freely now.
Continues!
************************
Thursday:
I had some lessons on the morning and then I had about 1.5 hours spare time so I did bike at home. Tomorrow had to be my last time to see my americans. Pastor Bob got really close for my heart and soul. I really longed to give something to him to show how much I appreciate his presence in my life. I had couple things in my cupboard what had really important meaning for me. But I needed to get rid off them...
************************
Friday:
During the day I was at work. 12 hours. It means I had to be till 7 PM. I hoped that I can go away half past 4 when I am finished. We have always let others away about this time when everything is done. No point to keep them there. And it is nice to get away earlier yourself as well. But today that other care giver was a bit upset. I don’t know why. But it was already half past 4 when she was not still gave any note to me I can leave. At 5 I told that I am leaving now and she told that I have today 12 hours with tone what said greatly that she wanted to keep me there longer. I felt how my eyebrows frown up and I was thinking that I will see that next time when she wants to leave earlier as well. But I smiled at her and told I know. She told after that it is up on me and she is not going to keep me there. I did left.
I just flied away. It was last day I saw Bob and others. And I had gifts for him. I got at college, lock my bicycle and ran to my class room. It was empty. Empty!? Under my heart went all cold. Ah but there he was then. All alone in “watering hole” – in the room we had some refreshments between studies. He hugged me and we started our lesson. Tiiu were in other group to translate because Annaliisa was late. First of all I gave my gifts to pastor Bob. I loved to do that when we were alone. It was more personal and I wanted to show to him how much I care of what he had given to me. I do thank you God, in it. He was the man I needed into my life to point out my wrongs there.
He was really excited about gifts. Or it is just a way for Americans to show out they are. He was showing to everyone what he got and we made several pictures. Hopefully I will get one day those photos and can update the blog. After the excited gift sharing part we read the Bible. We read the story about Amnon and Tamar. Really sad story in the Bible. All the lesson ended up me talking about my life and what do I think is going on there. I started from time I came back to church, how I got a job and went to college, how my heart got broken up and how I went into other college as well. What plans I have with my life and how I am not able to read God’s will in my life. He told me that if God haven’t close my ways then I have went right. He told lots of good things what did console me and after all he told me I am great and lovely person. … even if I hide my real feelings behind laugh :).
Then it was all over. Last song, last prayer, hugs and I had to run because I was already late to my church mission board meeting. I got there half past 7 PM. There were 3 of us – Toomas as leader of mission apartment, pastor Rein and me. We made couple of decision and one of them was to get together again next Friday to continue discussing about some of the decisions we made. It was half past over 10 PM I got home on this good and a bit sad day. But the Sabbath was almost there. The day I was waited for so long already. Great sleep and rest what I needed.
************************
Sabbath:
It was Sabbath yesterday. I really waited for the day. I had have really busy week behind and I was tired. I waited the Sabbath morning because I knew I can sleep till at 8 AM. But it was still too early for me because I got bed at 2 am. I was taking part in a channel op’s meeting as a guest. They had there and hearing for some ops who had abused their power on an another op and he was upset. So since I was asked to take part of it I did it gladly to please the owner of the channel since he is my friend. His name is Martin. He is really special person with his sad story of life. He I really smart. I call him as genie (not from a gin but genius ;)). He calls himself as a geek. Well, maybe he is. If we call as geek people who are with very high IQ, shy and alone still when they are 36. It is why IRC is really good. You let every kind of people become as your friends and later you really don’t care how they look like. Although everyone (included me) is talking about that what counts is person inside you than outlook you have we still do our decisions first about what we see. I like genie a lot. Although he is too smart for me and things what excite him is often too complicate and boring for me, he is still really great person. If I would not know he is not and christian I would count him as deeply religious because of the views he has. He is a looking outside person. It means he is unselfish and peaceful person. He have made me feel good as well and things what he has told have gave me idea that I am not such a bad person at all.
[13:16:27] LadyScapy: unbelievable how sad I feel today :P
[13:16:30] LadyScapy: eewww
[13:16:34] LadyScapy: it hurts :P
[13:29:52] EG: awww
[13:29:55] * EG hugs LadyScapy
[13:30:06] * EG doesnt want LadyScapy to ever feel sad :)
Part of a letter he sent me and others yesterday about that op’s hearing made me smile. He just quoted me:
’LadyScapy in my opinion put it beautifully -- "Remember that words are like birds. When you free them... it is impossible to catch them again. So.... husssss!"’
I can say openly that yes, I do like attention. But I have to confess that I like that attention even more because it is not cause of flirts or playing around. He makes me feel really warm inside and I am really sorry we are too different to become more than friends. His inside is really nice.
Well, but whatever happened early on this morning, I got up and dressed and were at 9 am in the first Bible study class. I have decided to attend every Sabbath in both lessons. At 9 and at 10. And if it reminds to me then I do watch it on laptop at 2 PM from Hope Channel as well in Internet. So I did on this fine day. Since I have ran totally out of money I made revision in my veggies to see what I can cook for today. I found some carrots, potatoes, turnips and a kohlrabi. I loaded up Hope Channel and turned it quit loud to hear it into the kitchen. So I was there… peeling and cutting veggies into pieces when I got phone call. Wow! Margo! It was always lovely to hear his voice. He called couple days ago but I could not answer quickly enough and had to call back. He never answered for the call or did not call back again. Now he was on the phone and he was in Tartu. He was asking how am I and told that maybe he has time later meet me. Yay!!! He was coming! Maybe… In 5 minutes later he called and said he has a bit time so he is coming now. The client he had to meet, could not do the appointment on the time. It got postponed and he came at me. Well, he was near of me anyway. He was in the hotel Dorpat near of bus station. And it is about a minute away. It was really nice to hug him again. We sat down and was talking till he got up. We were still talking when he was on the door and he told me that maybe he will be back later to see me. I was waiting for him.
I was in church when he called again. It was half past 6 pm. I told to Jakob I am going home and that he would come later home as well and ran home. The church is also about a minute to walk away at my place. He was waiting me in front of the house. I was happy to see him. He makes me always feel really comfy and happy. We laugh a lot and we have our jokes what only we do understand. I had possibility to tell him about how I am doing and I poured out all my grumpiness on him. Well, trough laugh of course. But it is only way I really can do that anyway. I told to him that I miss really a lot that someone would cuddle me when I complain about my life and he laughed but then cuddled me. He put my head on his lap and was stroking my hair during I was talking and listening him. And then he had to leave again. Thank you, God, for a friend like Margo. Thank you a lot.
************************
Sunday:
Today, on Sunday, I am feeling kinda away. I feel sad and alone and I can't stop tears running down from my cheeks. I know it is needed to feel even sorrow but I wouldn't want to feel it today when I am at work. I have to learn to deal with my feelings. But that's probably question of being alone. You have feelings you can't share with no-one because you are just alone. The feelings what you really need to share but no-one who would listen them so you have to just write them into air. But does it help?
My heart wants to explode. Love is powerful feeling. I am not able to kill it inside me. I was looking songs from my old emails what my frog sent to me years ago and there were letters from my happy time with him. I didn't read any of them but seeing the titles was painful enough. I did felt really deep sadness in me because of him. All the feelings I want to share with him, all the event's what is happened in my life - all what I want to share with him and I can't... It is really depressing. I actually know that he would say to me that I can tell to him everything but I am pretty sure he knows himself as well it is nonsense. You can't share yourself with someone who does not care about you. Does not care you enough to wish listen me with interest and compassion. For sharing you need closeness, not that someone listens you because it seems to be something what is needed to do. And that hurts so much there is no closeness between us anymore. So there I am. Writing my special feelings into air. The knowing that the moment of sorrow will pass is still comforting. Just why it has to take so long time?
Sometimes I just think that it was so unfair to happen to me. When the feelings did burst out from me I did sent an email to my frog with question "Why did you stop loving me?" and as soon as I pressed send, I knew it was so wrong to do. But when you are bubbling inside then sometimes it just runs over edge. It was embarrassing but I couldn't do anything anymore. He reacted as he had to. I have idealized him. And I although I know he has changed and lots of things he does does hurt me now but I in my retrospective he was caring and loving and listened me always. So I have made him as hero of mine. It is idealistic. I even know his bads but they have fade all away. When I even think back on his answer today I see how unfair he has been with me. He always told that we need to talk and I believed he does talk with me when he needed but he looked that shoulder from somewhere else. And most of all hurts that he blames me in it. In that long issue ago when I was looking a shoulder from somewhere else and almost broke up with him... And although my heart was so far away from him I loved him too much to leave him. Why couldn't he love me so much, I don't know. Why I don't hate him because what he did for me, I don't know... How is it possible to love someone so much at all, I still don't know. Am I able to give my heart to someone else at all anymore, I really don't know...
I locked myself into toilet today for crying and praying because I just couldn't carry it anymore. I know that God has plans with me and I am ready to give myself under His will. All I ask is peace into my heart and mind and someone who loves me and who I would be able to love. Yeah dear God, give me that someone and give me ability to love him as my heart is loving someone who won't give air for that.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Home!!!
Finally I am home! It is half past 8 pm and I am in pidjama. I think I am going to the bed any minute. I got headache about at 5 and it is still hiding itself between my ears. Probably from luck of sleep and unpropper eating. I had english course today. Bob is actuall 63. Has been pastor 30 years already. And he is... well, pastor. I like him. But to study from 8 am to 7 pm every day... It just has to bring up headache :) I will get early night today and try to get food sleep for tomorrow. Days are going so quick again. I don't want the english course ever ends... but sadly there will be last course in friday... I am tired. But so alright.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
MY FIRST BABY BORN TODAY!
In fornt of class. The lector explained biomechanisms of birth and I had to be as a power of birth (it means that I had to press the baby doll trough mama doll's vagian... and it WAS HARD!). After the lector was showing to us how the baby borns couple times she asked me to show it as well and after that she was the power of birth and me as "midwife". So I got my first baby today!!! Class laughed of course when I rised my firstborned baby up and told "And the baby has born!" Good good good! It just means I can get a job as clow as well if I should fail as a midwife ;o)
Luckily God is with me.
In fornt of class. The lector explained biomechanisms of birth and I had to be as a power of birth (it means that I had to press the baby doll trough mama doll's vagian... and it WAS HARD!). After the lector was showing to us how the baby borns couple times she asked me to show it as well and after that she was the power of birth and me as "midwife". So I got my first baby today!!! Class laughed of course when I rised my firstborned baby up and told "And the baby has born!" Good good good! It just means I can get a job as clow as well if I should fail as a midwife ;o)
Luckily God is with me.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
I did break down today. I was just busy with my doings at home till I felt I want coffee. I got up and walked to kitchen when I suddenly felt I can't take it anymore. I just couldn't tale that emotional and mental pressure anymore that I started crying. I was just standing in middle of livingroom and I was thinking that I can't cry because I have contacts in eyes but I couldn't stop. My heart and soul are in pain and I am still grieveing of my past.
I couldn't take any step farther so I standed there and asked God to take my paind and memories. I asked Him to make me strong because I couldn't stand alone there. I fall on the floor and felt free to cry alone. Through the sorrow, tears and prayer I was just thinking how pathetic I am that I am kneeling there on the floor and crying. That I am so damned weak and wanted to curl up myself on the floor and never again to get up from there. But I did get up. I got back my strenght and I was up in 10 mins again.
I told that to Dave later when I was listening about his bad day. I don't know why. Probably only to say that I had bad day too but I am up again and not complaining. And all what he told me was "Poor you." Poor me?? Argh.
[15:11:21] n> how was college today Heleri
[15:12:03] LadyScapy> short
[15:12:07] LadyScapy> how was your day?
[15:12:16] n> crap
[15:12:29] LadyScapy> do you want to talk about it?
[15:12:41] n> just like every day
[15:14:14] LadyScapy> :)
[15:14:34] n> yep
[15:15:18] LadyScapy> then you have used with that at least
[15:15:55] n> always look on the bright side, eh Heleri
[15:17:21] LadyScapy> always :)
[15:17:33] LadyScapy> I was just crying 10 minutes ago
[15:17:41] LadyScapy> but feeling great now
[15:17:44] LadyScapy> so yeah
[15:17:52] LadyScapy> sun is shining
[15:17:56] n> what do you got to cry about
[15:18:02] n> is it still freezin there
[15:18:10] LadyScapy> just feeling as crying
[15:18:19] LadyScapy> tired
[15:18:24] LadyScapy> hopless
[15:18:34] LadyScapy> pain
[15:18:37] n> poor girl
[15:18:46] LadyScapy> I am not poor
[15:18:49] LadyScapy> jeee
[15:19:00] LadyScapy> you don't have to pity me
[15:19:05] LadyScapy> YOu know I hate it
[15:19:07] n> I am not
[15:19:14] n> I am sympathising with you
[15:19:19] n> so I say poor girl
[15:19:23] n> to sympathise
[15:19:25] n> and comfort
[15:19:33] LadyScapy> symphaty is same what pity
[15:19:34] n> perhaps its lost in translation
[15:19:43] LadyScapy> there is not much diferent
[15:19:50] n> lost in translation I guess
[15:20:01] LadyScapy> nah
[15:20:09] LadyScapy> rather thats me ;)
[15:20:16] LadyScapy> srry
[15:20:44] n> no need for sorries, girl
[15:20:49] LadyScapy> I hate piting so much just
[15:21:07] n> thats why I dont pity you
[15:22:22] LadyScapy> and since I have some prejudices about you and you loving piting then I just take it automaticly like you pity me too
[15:22:28] LadyScapy> but I am fine
[15:22:41] LadyScapy> I had just collapsing moment
[15:22:47] LadyScapy> but I did pray
[15:22:57] LadyScapy> and I really do feel better now
[15:23:00] n> oh dear, poor you, I wish I could help ya somehow
[15:23:10] n> I guess we all need some help
[15:23:10] LadyScapy> jeee
[15:23:23] LadyScapy> I hate when you say that :P
[15:23:39] LadyScapy> I AM O.K!!!!
[15:23:44] n> just retrain your mind that it is a sympathetic term
[15:23:49] LadyScapy> no dear or poor me
[15:23:53] n> not a pitying term
[15:24:10] LadyScapy> I hate that sympathetic tooo
[15:24:23] LadyScapy> symPATHETIC
[15:24:28] n> its empathetic
[15:24:31] LadyScapy> even the word sucks
[15:24:47] n> thats not the meaning
[15:25:01] LadyScapy> well.. rather do not use dear poor for me
[15:25:22] LadyScapy> I am not poor, I am very rich
[15:25:49] LadyScapy> I have possibility to cry and pray on my knees to get rised up again :)
[15:26:14] n> so just ignore you next time, ok
[15:26:21] n> how cruel is that
[15:27:13] LadyScapy> lol
[15:28:55] LadyScapy> how about saying that you believe I will be ok?
[15:29:17] n> ok
[15:29:17] LadyScapy> or that What ever is wrong God will carry me trough of it?
[15:30:12] LadyScapy> poor you sounds like "yeah, I am so sorrry about you but there is nothing what I or anyone else can do in it"
[15:30:20] LadyScapy> it doesn't give hope :)
I couldn't take any step farther so I standed there and asked God to take my paind and memories. I asked Him to make me strong because I couldn't stand alone there. I fall on the floor and felt free to cry alone. Through the sorrow, tears and prayer I was just thinking how pathetic I am that I am kneeling there on the floor and crying. That I am so damned weak and wanted to curl up myself on the floor and never again to get up from there. But I did get up. I got back my strenght and I was up in 10 mins again.
I told that to Dave later when I was listening about his bad day. I don't know why. Probably only to say that I had bad day too but I am up again and not complaining. And all what he told me was "Poor you." Poor me?? Argh.
[15:11:21] n> how was college today Heleri
[15:12:03] LadyScapy> short
[15:12:07] LadyScapy> how was your day?
[15:12:16] n> crap
[15:12:29] LadyScapy> do you want to talk about it?
[15:12:41] n> just like every day
[15:14:14] LadyScapy> :)
[15:14:34] n> yep
[15:15:18] LadyScapy> then you have used with that at least
[15:15:55] n> always look on the bright side, eh Heleri
[15:17:21] LadyScapy> always :)
[15:17:33] LadyScapy> I was just crying 10 minutes ago
[15:17:41] LadyScapy> but feeling great now
[15:17:44] LadyScapy> so yeah
[15:17:52] LadyScapy> sun is shining
[15:17:56] n> what do you got to cry about
[15:18:02] n> is it still freezin there
[15:18:10] LadyScapy> just feeling as crying
[15:18:19] LadyScapy> tired
[15:18:24] LadyScapy> hopless
[15:18:34] LadyScapy> pain
[15:18:37] n> poor girl
[15:18:46] LadyScapy> I am not poor
[15:18:49] LadyScapy> jeee
[15:19:00] LadyScapy> you don't have to pity me
[15:19:05] LadyScapy> YOu know I hate it
[15:19:07] n> I am not
[15:19:14] n> I am sympathising with you
[15:19:19] n> so I say poor girl
[15:19:23] n> to sympathise
[15:19:25] n> and comfort
[15:19:33] LadyScapy> symphaty is same what pity
[15:19:34] n> perhaps its lost in translation
[15:19:43] LadyScapy> there is not much diferent
[15:19:50] n> lost in translation I guess
[15:20:01] LadyScapy> nah
[15:20:09] LadyScapy> rather thats me ;)
[15:20:16] LadyScapy> srry
[15:20:44] n> no need for sorries, girl
[15:20:49] LadyScapy> I hate piting so much just
[15:21:07] n> thats why I dont pity you
[15:22:22] LadyScapy> and since I have some prejudices about you and you loving piting then I just take it automaticly like you pity me too
[15:22:28] LadyScapy> but I am fine
[15:22:41] LadyScapy> I had just collapsing moment
[15:22:47] LadyScapy> but I did pray
[15:22:57] LadyScapy> and I really do feel better now
[15:23:00] n> oh dear, poor you, I wish I could help ya somehow
[15:23:10] n> I guess we all need some help
[15:23:10] LadyScapy> jeee
[15:23:23] LadyScapy> I hate when you say that :P
[15:23:39] LadyScapy> I AM O.K!!!!
[15:23:44] n> just retrain your mind that it is a sympathetic term
[15:23:49] LadyScapy> no dear or poor me
[15:23:53] n> not a pitying term
[15:24:10] LadyScapy> I hate that sympathetic tooo
[15:24:23] LadyScapy> symPATHETIC
[15:24:28] n> its empathetic
[15:24:31] LadyScapy> even the word sucks
[15:24:47] n> thats not the meaning
[15:25:01] LadyScapy> well.. rather do not use dear poor for me
[15:25:22] LadyScapy> I am not poor, I am very rich
[15:25:49] LadyScapy> I have possibility to cry and pray on my knees to get rised up again :)
[15:26:14] n> so just ignore you next time, ok
[15:26:21] n> how cruel is that
[15:27:13] LadyScapy> lol
[15:28:55] LadyScapy> how about saying that you believe I will be ok?
[15:29:17] n> ok
[15:29:17] LadyScapy> or that What ever is wrong God will carry me trough of it?
[15:30:12] LadyScapy> poor you sounds like "yeah, I am so sorrry about you but there is nothing what I or anyone else can do in it"
[15:30:20] LadyScapy> it doesn't give hope :)
I wrote my essay of enterdance a week ago. It was total disaster. I was so sure it is easy enough for me. For me who got 95 points form 100 my final essay couple years ago. 10 thems – there should still be something to pick, I thought. There were 12 themes and none to take. Good that lector said that we can write on our own theme as well. It gave me chanche to write something and if it could not fit under any of topics there then I could think out my own. But still.. my head was so empty that I heard how my thoughts had echo. I was sitting and thinking and nothing came on my mind. I had no good start for my essay. I didn’t had even any idea what to write about. I did wrote A4 sheet of nonsens and cross it all off again. And then I just decided to put down what I feel. 
So I wrote how I want to stand on the edge of the world and scream out my pain. About the hole in me and how to fill it up. I even cried when I wrote about it =) Sweet. I regeret it later what I did write. Because they told they use it during conversation with me.
There wre 3 men and a woman in the room. I knew 2 of them. Senior and Junior Hamers. Both of them are very respected vicars of Lutherian Church. The 3rd old man was unknown for me like the woman. Junior was asking from me why did I dicided to come in this college and where did I got information about it. Then he asked about my job. And then he asked from others, do they have questions. They were just sitting and watching eachother and had no questions. I had to call back half past 3 PM to get to know am I in or not.
My elder brother was at me. I was all excited and forgot to call at the time they asked and called an half hour later. But it was alright. They were still there and told me I am in. Yeah, I am in.
So I wrote how I want to stand on the edge of the world and scream out my pain. About the hole in me and how to fill it up. I even cried when I wrote about it =) Sweet. I regeret it later what I did write. Because they told they use it during conversation with me. There wre 3 men and a woman in the room. I knew 2 of them. Senior and Junior Hamers. Both of them are very respected vicars of Lutherian Church. The 3rd old man was unknown for me like the woman. Junior was asking from me why did I dicided to come in this college and where did I got information about it. Then he asked about my job. And then he asked from others, do they have questions. They were just sitting and watching eachother and had no questions. I had to call back half past 3 PM to get to know am I in or not.
My elder brother was at me. I was all excited and forgot to call at the time they asked and called an half hour later. But it was alright. They were still there and told me I am in. Yeah, I am in.
Friday, August 29, 2008
Heleri: Hello! Don’t you call me already too often? Margo: I just was thinking that I call to ask how are you.
H: Oh I see ;) I am fine. And you?
M: Well... I am just wondering here that there has to be recession. Where does it come my clients have no money?
H: And I already thought you are going to say you are coming to Tartu.
M: I avtually was this weekend in Tartu.
H: Oh I see... But you never thought to come to see me...
M: I just drove trough Tartu. We went with friends in the adventours park of Otepää.
H: Had great time then again :)
M: Yeah, I did...
H: You don’t sound very happy.
M: Feeling lonely.
H: Lonely? Oh and I thougt that you oink like happy pig again. ;) Where are your friends then now?
M: Pft! Friends...
H: You may always come to Tartu to have cup of coffe with me :)
M: One day. How are you? Have you got happy with someone already?
H: Happy with someone? Would you explain me what means „being happy“ first? In this part I felt how something inside me started tingling.
M: You know what I m...
H: Do you really think that happiness is something what you get with having something or someone? I really don’t think
that I HAVE TO BUILT UP HAPPINESS LIKE THAT! You have everything – couple appartments, new car, life mate at home and couple lovers around, you don’t have to count your money... And you call me because you are alone. So tell me more about that happiness ;)....
Thursday, August 28, 2008
A Scream
I feel so alone. I am in a maelstorm of life and it all drags me with. But when I am in that whirl I still stand outside of it and watch it all like I wouldn’t belong there. I just watch how my physical body struggles there busy with not drawning and I even don’t care. I just turn away and fly over the city, over the forests and fields till I stand on the rock what reaches over the ocean. I stand there when wind is ripping my clothes and hair. The sky is so blue and a lonely seagul is laughing up there. I just stand there with the pain in my soul what screams out from me. I just rise my hands up on sides of me and scream. I am all alone there on the top of rock. 
Begind me is green field and in front of me is churning water.
Yeah, that’s how I do feel. Psychologists could read out some mental dissorder from me if they could see inside me. But they can not... Who can at all? I don’t know how to show out that I am broken. That I am alone and lost. People around me rather ask how I do that that I never be down, that I always laugh and joke, that I am always so ... alive. And they even don’t know that it all is just a maquerade. Not always of course. But there are times I am so down that no sunshine reaches to me. I am so fake. I am so damned fake that I am not worh of any love. Why do I bother at all then... Why do I cheat people that I am an shiny princess if I am just the uggliest frog...
Begind me is green field and in front of me is churning water.
Yeah, that’s how I do feel. Psychologists could read out some mental dissorder from me if they could see inside me. But they can not... Who can at all? I don’t know how to show out that I am broken. That I am alone and lost. People around me rather ask how I do that that I never be down, that I always laugh and joke, that I am always so ... alive. And they even don’t know that it all is just a maquerade. Not always of course. But there are times I am so down that no sunshine reaches to me. I am so fake. I am so damned fake that I am not worh of any love. Why do I bother at all then... Why do I cheat people that I am an shiny princess if I am just the uggliest frog...
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
First day back in college
„Is it raining?“
„Yes, it is.“
„Just great!!“
I do run out from the building of college and hurry to my bicycle while I stick my hand out from under the roof to feel is it still raining. Yes it is. And I drop my jacket at home on the porning when I came form work because it seemed really warm morning. I had just a shirt without sleeves. I have to hurry. And not only because of rain but because I need to pee as well. There are puddles everywhere. It sucks. I try to keep away from them. But it is more than obvious my jeans will be dirty. Out from the college yard straight on the street. Is it smart to bike on the street where cars don’t care about you when they drive trough puddles? Right. Straight on the pedestrian’s walking road. The rain is cold. No Pedestrian. I crank so quickly that I feel how my calfs are cramping. Traffic lights. Finally green. I cross the road and hurry along allee. Juhhuuu! Next traffic light is green! It has started rain more heavilly. I cant see clearly trough my glasses any more. Water is running down from my shoulder and my underwear is wet. No more to hold back myself anymore. I get up from seat and crank like nuts. Down from the little plump straight trough the deepest part of the puddle and over crossroad before the green light starts blinking. Juhhuu! Dear Lord, don’t ever take rain from us!! Let there always be puddles and rainbow and wet clothes
to feel I am so alive. I maneuver around some ppl on the my way. They are not happy when I past from them with spraying them with water. Ah, take it easy! I am going home! Home... Today I have to be productive! Like yesterday? All windows were prepeard on for me going to be useful on PC but what did I do? Played battle in facebook and laughed like nuts. Maybe I am... No facebook today! Or... well, I have to pick up gold in my fairy garden that I would have money to water my wilted plants... But that’s all! Yes! Today I am productive! Finally down from Riia hill. I love that declicity here. Down! Down! Down! My hair are all wet and don’t flutter all. Because it is raining!! Rainin? Damn! My breaks!!! I need to get my speed down before I kill myself. Or even worse, someone else. Oh no, people are crossing the road... I can do that, I can do that, I can do that! I crank to get speed up again and hope that the light is.... IT IS GREEN! Now! Oh no those men are too close and seems they don’t see me... Scheisse! I take quick turn to the right and fly over street’s curbstone. Outch! My bum! No, you can’t see my pain because I know how to smile when it hurts!! All my life is just a big smile even when the pain is ripping little pieces from me. And there it is! Home, sweet home! And I am so wet...
„Yes, it is.“
„Just great!!“
I do run out from the building of college and hurry to my bicycle while I stick my hand out from under the roof to feel is it still raining. Yes it is. And I drop my jacket at home on the porning when I came form work because it seemed really warm morning. I had just a shirt without sleeves. I have to hurry. And not only because of rain but because I need to pee as well. There are puddles everywhere. It sucks. I try to keep away from them. But it is more than obvious my jeans will be dirty. Out from the college yard straight on the street. Is it smart to bike on the street where cars don’t care about you when they drive trough puddles? Right. Straight on the pedestrian’s walking road. The rain is cold. No Pedestrian. I crank so quickly that I feel how my calfs are cramping. Traffic lights. Finally green. I cross the road and hurry along allee. Juhhuuu! Next traffic light is green! It has started rain more heavilly. I cant see clearly trough my glasses any more. Water is running down from my shoulder and my underwear is wet. No more to hold back myself anymore. I get up from seat and crank like nuts. Down from the little plump straight trough the deepest part of the puddle and over crossroad before the green light starts blinking. Juhhuu! Dear Lord, don’t ever take rain from us!! Let there always be puddles and rainbow and wet clothes
to feel I am so alive. I maneuver around some ppl on the my way. They are not happy when I past from them with spraying them with water. Ah, take it easy! I am going home! Home... Today I have to be productive! Like yesterday? All windows were prepeard on for me going to be useful on PC but what did I do? Played battle in facebook and laughed like nuts. Maybe I am... No facebook today! Or... well, I have to pick up gold in my fairy garden that I would have money to water my wilted plants... But that’s all! Yes! Today I am productive! Finally down from Riia hill. I love that declicity here. Down! Down! Down! My hair are all wet and don’t flutter all. Because it is raining!! Rainin? Damn! My breaks!!! I need to get my speed down before I kill myself. Or even worse, someone else. Oh no, people are crossing the road... I can do that, I can do that, I can do that! I crank to get speed up again and hope that the light is.... IT IS GREEN! Now! Oh no those men are too close and seems they don’t see me... Scheisse! I take quick turn to the right and fly over street’s curbstone. Outch! My bum! No, you can’t see my pain because I know how to smile when it hurts!! All my life is just a big smile even when the pain is ripping little pieces from me. And there it is! Home, sweet home! And I am so wet...
Thursday, August 21, 2008
My days of middle August
I am at work. It is half past 10 PM already and I am watching Top Gear. The patients are all in their rooms already. I am sitting in their dinningroom because the tables here were good for set up my laptop. Good for me behind the tabele actually. I am just sitting here and I don’t know what I do feel.
Couple days ago was raining but I sat on my bicycle and went to ride. Actually I had to go because it was only day then I could take my documents into colleges I were picked up ealier already. One of them was Tartu Theological Academy and other Higher Religious Seminar of Tartu. They took my documents in academy and were quite happy to see me. I told them that I have a full time job and a college and I was not sure am I able to apeal in every lesson they have. It was still 2 weeks per month mostly. They told they have other ppl as well who work and who have took a year off from school from some reason. I didn’t bring out my worry about the year off because it didn’t fit into my plans. I have 4 years just to finish those colleges. 26th August I will have essay at 10 AM and later (I can’t remember at moment when exactly) a conversation with them. I am quite sure I am in. Arrogants, I know but sitll...
It was raining stronger when I got out from there. Still the other college to find. I thought I knew where it is. It was in otherside of city. I had to get on my bicycle and... I got lost. I was totally wet and so lost. Happily there came one old lady who was also wet. But she was not lost. She knew as welll where is the building I was looking for and it was not far away at all. I got there and didn’t find the place where to lock my wheels. Finaly I found a post between too cars. Two ugly cars. But lucky for them they could stand for while next my beauty.
I tried to eneter from front door but it was locked. Hmm.. There were on the door that they are opened from 8 am till 5 PM and half past 2 PM it was just locked! I was wet and irritated. But then came a girl and opened the door. She showed me the direction where I had to go and I found an opened door. There were an older gentelman and a lady. They were really kind and smiling. The lady took my papers and asked when I can come to have conversation with them. I told that I go home and will call back to tell can I do that next day. And then I left. It didn’t rain anymore. I got home and called back. The next day was fine.
At 1 PM next day I had to be at the college again. So I dressed up into nice dresses, did make-up, put on high heeled shoes, took my handbag and ... sat on my bicycle. I felt brave. It is not city bicycle where you may sit with whatever you have on. I have still bicycle what doesn’t embarass you when you are on it... But still.. I felt really brave this day on it with all my accessories. Finally I was there. They asked me into back room, served tea and biscuits and then we just talked. The same gentelman I saw last day was the director of the college. Cool! He was cool! He was asking why I want to come into the school, how is arranged Bible study in our church and ... actually he didn’t ask much because he told me that he knows adventists as very aware of Bible. Oh and then he asked me the question what was more like a statement: „And you have read the Bible trough of course?“ EEEEEEEEEEWWWWWW! In this place I did lie. I haven’t read it through in way like we do read books. I have read trough most of it and I have read every book in the Bible but I haven’t completed them all. But anyway... I got in the college.
Day after that I was at home and cried most of the day. I was watching from youtube a Kelsey Briggs story in every possible way they had set up there and was just crying. I felt so terrible and so alone and I did miss my frog to comfort me. But I never wrote to him about that. Although it was really painful feeling sit there all alone and feeling grief in my chest and missing just a hug or just a smile from him I decided to not complain. I have done so well with my life. I have went on and I couldn’t destroy all of it during the weakness moment like that was. Enouhg from complainings. Not that I would be really big complainer at all but still... I know I do complain a lot. Maybe not for others but I know the fights inside me what get me down quit often. I am vulnerable enough to give out trumps for others to get more hurted. So.. that day I was all alone and crying and didn’t do much more. Ah, I did. I got idea to ask from my frog to analyse me. Why? Well... I am sure I am complainig too much so I just wanted to know am I really too. Some days later I wrote a letter to him and asked him to do that. He didn’t seem very happy. But hey, he has nothing to loose and he can be objective. Ja, I do like to get over from those rare moments I do miss him. Sometimes I feel really clearly that I have arounded with idiots and those days I feel really big need to be with him. I haven’t had success to replace him for someone else yet. Or maybe... Paul. He is too smart for his hmm... was he 27 or 30? I just can’t remember... But at least I know he has heart in right place. He is working out from Sidney at moment and comes online only during weekends for some hours. That sucks. I am usually off those days. In church during Satturday and at work on Sunday. He makes me happy in the way he tells his stories about his little steps to God. He is so in of it and so happy he has fond Him again. We have had some conversations about Bible and in some great reason we have never argued over differences in out religions. Oh sure!! We have had lots of differences but true is it that we should pay more attention on our views where we are in the same mind. And we have done so good in it. Arguings are not solutions. I got to know that already with my froggy...
This Satturday I woke up and was ready to go to the church when I suddenly realised that I had to be in Viljandi at all. I was shocked. How did I forget it. I checked busses, got dressed up and sat on a bus. The road to Viljadi went through Puhja. My sister lives there. And the they are renewing the road there. On really long distance.
Couple days ago was raining but I sat on my bicycle and went to ride. Actually I had to go because it was only day then I could take my documents into colleges I were picked up ealier already. One of them was Tartu Theological Academy and other Higher Religious Seminar of Tartu. They took my documents in academy and were quite happy to see me. I told them that I have a full time job and a college and I was not sure am I able to apeal in every lesson they have. It was still 2 weeks per month mostly. They told they have other ppl as well who work and who have took a year off from school from some reason. I didn’t bring out my worry about the year off because it didn’t fit into my plans. I have 4 years just to finish those colleges. 26th August I will have essay at 10 AM and later (I can’t remember at moment when exactly) a conversation with them. I am quite sure I am in. Arrogants, I know but sitll...
It was raining stronger when I got out from there. Still the other college to find. I thought I knew where it is. It was in otherside of city. I had to get on my bicycle and... I got lost. I was totally wet and so lost. Happily there came one old lady who was also wet. But she was not lost. She knew as welll where is the building I was looking for and it was not far away at all. I got there and didn’t find the place where to lock my wheels. Finaly I found a post between too cars. Two ugly cars. But lucky for them they could stand for while next my beauty.
I tried to eneter from front door but it was locked. Hmm.. There were on the door that they are opened from 8 am till 5 PM and half past 2 PM it was just locked! I was wet and irritated. But then came a girl and opened the door. She showed me the direction where I had to go and I found an opened door. There were an older gentelman and a lady. They were really kind and smiling. The lady took my papers and asked when I can come to have conversation with them. I told that I go home and will call back to tell can I do that next day. And then I left. It didn’t rain anymore. I got home and called back. The next day was fine.
At 1 PM next day I had to be at the college again. So I dressed up into nice dresses, did make-up, put on high heeled shoes, took my handbag and ... sat on my bicycle. I felt brave. It is not city bicycle where you may sit with whatever you have on. I have still bicycle what doesn’t embarass you when you are on it... But still.. I felt really brave this day on it with all my accessories. Finally I was there. They asked me into back room, served tea and biscuits and then we just talked. The same gentelman I saw last day was the director of the college. Cool! He was cool! He was asking why I want to come into the school, how is arranged Bible study in our church and ... actually he didn’t ask much because he told me that he knows adventists as very aware of Bible. Oh and then he asked me the question what was more like a statement: „And you have read the Bible trough of course?“ EEEEEEEEEEWWWWWW! In this place I did lie. I haven’t read it through in way like we do read books. I have read trough most of it and I have read every book in the Bible but I haven’t completed them all. But anyway... I got in the college.
Day after that I was at home and cried most of the day. I was watching from youtube a Kelsey Briggs story in every possible way they had set up there and was just crying. I felt so terrible and so alone and I did miss my frog to comfort me. But I never wrote to him about that. Although it was really painful feeling sit there all alone and feeling grief in my chest and missing just a hug or just a smile from him I decided to not complain. I have done so well with my life. I have went on and I couldn’t destroy all of it during the weakness moment like that was. Enouhg from complainings. Not that I would be really big complainer at all but still... I know I do complain a lot. Maybe not for others but I know the fights inside me what get me down quit often. I am vulnerable enough to give out trumps for others to get more hurted. So.. that day I was all alone and crying and didn’t do much more. Ah, I did. I got idea to ask from my frog to analyse me. Why? Well... I am sure I am complainig too much so I just wanted to know am I really too. Some days later I wrote a letter to him and asked him to do that. He didn’t seem very happy. But hey, he has nothing to loose and he can be objective. Ja, I do like to get over from those rare moments I do miss him. Sometimes I feel really clearly that I have arounded with idiots and those days I feel really big need to be with him. I haven’t had success to replace him for someone else yet. Or maybe... Paul. He is too smart for his hmm... was he 27 or 30? I just can’t remember... But at least I know he has heart in right place. He is working out from Sidney at moment and comes online only during weekends for some hours. That sucks. I am usually off those days. In church during Satturday and at work on Sunday. He makes me happy in the way he tells his stories about his little steps to God. He is so in of it and so happy he has fond Him again. We have had some conversations about Bible and in some great reason we have never argued over differences in out religions. Oh sure!! We have had lots of differences but true is it that we should pay more attention on our views where we are in the same mind. And we have done so good in it. Arguings are not solutions. I got to know that already with my froggy...
This Satturday I woke up and was ready to go to the church when I suddenly realised that I had to be in Viljandi at all. I was shocked. How did I forget it. I checked busses, got dressed up and sat on a bus. The road to Viljadi went through Puhja. My sister lives there. And the they are renewing the road there. On really long distance.
Monday, July 14, 2008
Harassing time
It is just amazing how the time flies. I did wait so much summer. I did hope I have lots of time then to rest and do things what I needed to do but what were not priority for me then. Sometimes I think that time is going too quick only because I have so much to do. I feel I am tired. Also I feel that the time passes too quick and I am able to do so little and all what I do is just for others and nothing for myself and that I have NO time FOR MYSELF! I just would like to lie down, rise my legs on the wall and do nothing. To do so long time nothing that I feel the time is standing and I am bored. I just wonder will there come time like that in my life again?
I have even no time for my blog. Like everything what I think or feel or do have find their end...
I had today my secon blood test. And the day after tomorrow I will hear about what is going on with my future. Do I afraid? Sure. I do afraid of good and bad news on the day. Bad news may tell me my life will be too short to do all the things I want and I should start thinking what I priority to do. Good news... that I may do everything and probably there will be time my own so I just will drain myself out.
3 weeks ago about I had mission board meeting where we dicided to start with program what brings our church member closer to eachother. The first event was this Sabbath. I had to organize the place and food and some entertainment as well since Toomas was camping and probably forgot he had to organize games. But it is alright since he has needed resting time as well. He has good boy who has too many duties. Thanks for God he is here and does that all. But the event went well anyway. The members of our churce (and others who took part of ceremony) were asked to take part form collective lunch and spending time together. The most of people took cakes and sandwitches with and tables were rich. Also the communicating with eachother were good. Of course there were people who were just sitting quietly but there always will be ppl like that. I just know that my feet were hurting and I was walking around on socks. High heel shoes are not good for organizing event like that. But it all went very well!!! I even was talking to all of them although I have actually chicken heart. I told a story what I read and what made me to cry because of the vision of mission and cristianity. Even when I was telling the story and explaining it later made my ching to shake ;) When I finished was total silence in room. 40 ppl about and all were quiet. It was uncomfortable. But they were just thoughful and it was my aim to make them to think. I post the story as well..
*********************
The old man awoke and glanced at the clock. Shock registered on his aging face as he realized that he had slept too long. the tide would be coming in and his three youngest children were still put collecting shells on the island. He leaped through the door and ran toward the beach, stumbling over the jagged, cutting rocks.
"My children, my children!" he shouted. "Someone help my children!" He could see the little island and the rising water between it and the shore. He could faintly make out the outlineof the three small bodies against the rugged rocks. "My children will drown. Oh, God, my babies will die. Someone help me!" The water was rising. Only a matter of time. Higher and higher.
A short distance down the beach he saw a group of picnickers. They would help. His legs nearly buckled as he ran. Nearing the group, he saw his older sons.
"Sit down, Father, and join our potluck. Here's a chair. We were just wishing that you could be here with us. We wanted to tell you how much we love you."
"You'd better rest a minut, Father. You shouldn't run like that in your age. What's the trouble?"
"The island - the little ones are out there. They're going to die!" Great sobs tore through his body.
"Now, Father, calm down! I'm sure it isn't that bad. Look, the rocks are above water." John clumsily patted the old grey hair, then lifted his father's face to his. "Take it easy. We're here with you, and we love you so much."
"But you don't understand. The tide is rising. Oh, my babies! Please, oh, please, help me!"
"There's no rush, Father. Don't let yourself get so worked up. It is not good for your heart. We'd die if anything happened to you. Say, look. There are Joe and Dave and their new lifesaving boat. They're more able to help than we are."
The weary father turned away and shouted into the wind. Joe and Dave, other sons of his, heard and came into to shore.
"Save the children! The island will be covered soon!"
They seemed to understand and strong hands pulled the weeping man into the boat. Then the eager motor sprang to life and they headed out to sea. In the distance he could see three tiny figures clutching the highest rocks as the waves washed about their feet.
"Hurry, please hurry," he cried.
"Yes, Father, we understand. This is a lifesaving boat and it's really grand. We brought it over today just to show it to you. Look - padded seats, air-conditioned cabin, stereo music - the works. this'll be good PR, Father. When people see this, they'll know it's great to be a son of yours." Dave laid his well-muscled arm around the shaking shoulders.
Joe looked over from behind the controls and tried to ease his father's distress. "Cheer up, Father. Say, look at what this beauty can do." He grinned, gave the throttle a thrust, and spun the wheel. The boat turned in a graceful arc and headed into the waves.
"You'te going the wrong way. the tide is coming. Save my children!"
"Yes, Father, we understand. Didn't we tell you? This is a lifesaving boat. We'll go in a minute. But first look at this."
The boat bounded back and forth across the waves, its powerful motor thrusting forward with thrilling power and speed. Joe executed the turns with smoothness and precision.
"No, no! Please, oh, please!" The father's anguished voice tore through the wind.
"Look at this, Father."
He could barely see the little ones now. In horror, he imagined their terror and pain. Only the tips of the rocks broke the water now. As he watches, unable to turn away, the dear, sweet heads, one by one, slipped into the waves and disappeared.
"They are gone!" Unbearable anguish ripped his body and he fell prostrate to the floor.
Then - concerned and tender hands gently cradled his frail body. "Father, we loved you - please, Father..."
He gave no answer or indeed any sign that he had heard.
"Father, we didn't know you cared so much. We love you, Father, don't you understand? If it had been you..."
There was no response. Just wind and waves and - silence.
I have even no time for my blog. Like everything what I think or feel or do have find their end...
I had today my secon blood test. And the day after tomorrow I will hear about what is going on with my future. Do I afraid? Sure. I do afraid of good and bad news on the day. Bad news may tell me my life will be too short to do all the things I want and I should start thinking what I priority to do. Good news... that I may do everything and probably there will be time my own so I just will drain myself out.
3 weeks ago about I had mission board meeting where we dicided to start with program what brings our church member closer to eachother. The first event was this Sabbath. I had to organize the place and food and some entertainment as well since Toomas was camping and probably forgot he had to organize games. But it is alright since he has needed resting time as well. He has good boy who has too many duties. Thanks for God he is here and does that all. But the event went well anyway. The members of our churce (and others who took part of ceremony) were asked to take part form collective lunch and spending time together. The most of people took cakes and sandwitches with and tables were rich. Also the communicating with eachother were good. Of course there were people who were just sitting quietly but there always will be ppl like that. I just know that my feet were hurting and I was walking around on socks. High heel shoes are not good for organizing event like that. But it all went very well!!! I even was talking to all of them although I have actually chicken heart. I told a story what I read and what made me to cry because of the vision of mission and cristianity. Even when I was telling the story and explaining it later made my ching to shake ;) When I finished was total silence in room. 40 ppl about and all were quiet. It was uncomfortable. But they were just thoughful and it was my aim to make them to think. I post the story as well..
*********************
The old man awoke and glanced at the clock. Shock registered on his aging face as he realized that he had slept too long. the tide would be coming in and his three youngest children were still put collecting shells on the island. He leaped through the door and ran toward the beach, stumbling over the jagged, cutting rocks.
"My children, my children!" he shouted. "Someone help my children!" He could see the little island and the rising water between it and the shore. He could faintly make out the outlineof the three small bodies against the rugged rocks. "My children will drown. Oh, God, my babies will die. Someone help me!" The water was rising. Only a matter of time. Higher and higher.
A short distance down the beach he saw a group of picnickers. They would help. His legs nearly buckled as he ran. Nearing the group, he saw his older sons.
"Sit down, Father, and join our potluck. Here's a chair. We were just wishing that you could be here with us. We wanted to tell you how much we love you."
"You'd better rest a minut, Father. You shouldn't run like that in your age. What's the trouble?"
"The island - the little ones are out there. They're going to die!" Great sobs tore through his body.
"Now, Father, calm down! I'm sure it isn't that bad. Look, the rocks are above water." John clumsily patted the old grey hair, then lifted his father's face to his. "Take it easy. We're here with you, and we love you so much."
"But you don't understand. The tide is rising. Oh, my babies! Please, oh, please, help me!"
"There's no rush, Father. Don't let yourself get so worked up. It is not good for your heart. We'd die if anything happened to you. Say, look. There are Joe and Dave and their new lifesaving boat. They're more able to help than we are."
The weary father turned away and shouted into the wind. Joe and Dave, other sons of his, heard and came into to shore.
"Save the children! The island will be covered soon!"
They seemed to understand and strong hands pulled the weeping man into the boat. Then the eager motor sprang to life and they headed out to sea. In the distance he could see three tiny figures clutching the highest rocks as the waves washed about their feet.
"Hurry, please hurry," he cried.
"Yes, Father, we understand. This is a lifesaving boat and it's really grand. We brought it over today just to show it to you. Look - padded seats, air-conditioned cabin, stereo music - the works. this'll be good PR, Father. When people see this, they'll know it's great to be a son of yours." Dave laid his well-muscled arm around the shaking shoulders.
Joe looked over from behind the controls and tried to ease his father's distress. "Cheer up, Father. Say, look at what this beauty can do." He grinned, gave the throttle a thrust, and spun the wheel. The boat turned in a graceful arc and headed into the waves.
"You'te going the wrong way. the tide is coming. Save my children!"
"Yes, Father, we understand. Didn't we tell you? This is a lifesaving boat. We'll go in a minute. But first look at this."
The boat bounded back and forth across the waves, its powerful motor thrusting forward with thrilling power and speed. Joe executed the turns with smoothness and precision.
"No, no! Please, oh, please!" The father's anguished voice tore through the wind.
"Look at this, Father."
He could barely see the little ones now. In horror, he imagined their terror and pain. Only the tips of the rocks broke the water now. As he watches, unable to turn away, the dear, sweet heads, one by one, slipped into the waves and disappeared.
"They are gone!" Unbearable anguish ripped his body and he fell prostrate to the floor.
Then - concerned and tender hands gently cradled his frail body. "Father, we loved you - please, Father..."
He gave no answer or indeed any sign that he had heard.
"Father, we didn't know you cared so much. We love you, Father, don't you understand? If it had been you..."
There was no response. Just wind and waves and - silence.
Monday, July 7, 2008
I got home at 7:15 AM.
Me: I am going to ride with bicycle.
My son: I see...
Me: Do you want to come with?
My Son: I can't. I need to do the bed. He sounds grumpy.
Me: It's alright. I'll wait. I went into the kichen to prepear a cup of coffee.
My mom: Where are you going??
Me: To ride with bicycles.
My mom: Oh, it is too eraly! He just opened his eyes! You can't take him out like that.
Me: I was asking does he wants to come. He told he wants. The end.
My mom: Let him woke up first! You can't go and start doing something so hard so early on the mornig!
Me: Watch us.
*********************
It is just amazing how the things go. Yesterday I went at work with short shirt and it was cold althought sun was shining. Later I went at shop and decided to get a sweater from home. As thought so I did. When I drove back from shop in my woolen sweater I was mad because sun just decided to melt me up in it! Today I was getting home in my sweater and it seemed sooooooo hot so I decided to get my clothes changed and put on a shirt with opened back. And when I was on bicycle and on the streets already I realized that the weather is making fun with me. It was sooooo freezingly cold! I was thinking that it is good I have no willy because in other way it would be just an inch and even that would be inside me... But I don't have it. But I have nipples... Oh dear! My only thought was that I have to ride just quickly enough to get my skin warm!
We have our own rout already. There are some spots where I stop and wait my son to catch me. But till those spots I can ride as fast I can. I like when my hair will take wind under them. It gives the feeling what bird may have when they feel wind under their wings. I stopped in first spot. It was near of a forest. I felt mushrooms smell. I gasped it into my lungs. Oh dear! It was so good! I got down from the bicycle and left it on the side of road when I walked into the forest. The ground was wet from dew. I couldn't see any mushrooms but there were rasberry bushes and under them was some wild strawberries. I did pick some barely red berries. The grass was trodded down. Someone was here before me... ;)
I saw Jakob coming far behind me so I went back to my bicycle and called to him to drive straight and turned down from the street to right. It was quiet area because it was new. Just couple houses and lots of land for new families to buy it and build up their own houses. When I got up on the main street was Jakob waiting me there. I got upset. "I told you to ride on!" Pffttt! Now I have to wait for him again in next place so long time! I passed from him and cranked on while I was standing. I managed to get on 40 km/h! I felt how the wind in my hair blowed away being upset. So what, if I get enough money I will buy a new bicycle for myself and he can have mine current one. His is too heavy for riding.
I did stop in next spot to wait for him. He came finally. I told to him to changes bicycles and he was gladly agree. Oh dear! My kneew poked my chin on his bicycle! :P I drove a bit on but it made wierd noice.
- Jakob, check what the back tyre is doing. I think it is empty.
- Well, it is a bit yeah.
I did stop the bicycle and watched the tyre.
- Nope, I can't ride with it. I am too heavy for the tyre. It will break.
He wasn't happy to swop the bicycles again. I told him that we are going to gas station and will fill it with air. We rode on.
There street went down and after the curv came long straight part. I could see the sky between the houses. Oh dear, how beautiful clouds were on the blue backround! The smell of air was so fresh. The wind in my hair gave me feeling I can fly. Yeah, any minute now I will just strenght my hands up on my sides and fly straight into the sky and press my face into the soft clouds! Oh dear Jeesus, where are you?! Come and rise me up there that I could touch the clouds!
I can do that! I really can do that! I felt joy in my soul and willing to go home and get ready for God works. No empty doings today! I am able to go on again because I know God is with me. Even I turn away from right road sometimes, He will lead me back again and fills me up with good feelings. It has been just wonderful morning today!
We are driving back at home and I see the next spot I should wait him. I watch back and on the long stright road I just can't see him. I hear how Bonnie Tyler starts singing there... "Turn around... Every now and then I think you'll never be the boy I wanted you to be.... Turn around.... But every now and then I see you'll always be the only boy who will be mine the way what you are..." and the sound in my head I turn around to find where he is... There he is ;o)
*****************
I got home and made some sit-ups. Oh, I should do that more often! I should do that every day! I will! Today is just good time to start with it. I did lift my leg behind on my desk and made some chrouches with one leg and then with other one. Good, good. Just what my butt needs. After all of that I leaned back on the table with my hands and made some push-ups as well. Huh! Just a shower to take and I will feel as new person!
*****************
There sings Right Said Fred on my laptop and I will yell to sing with him. "....I'm a model, you know what I meeean.. And I do my little turn on the catwalk.. Yeah, on the catwalk, on the catwalk, yeah! I shake my little touche on the catwalk..." I am creaming my body while I am dancing by the music and sing with. I shake it so all my flabs shake like Homer's belly and moan: "... I'm too sexy for my cat, too sexy for my cat.. Poor pussy, poor pussy cat... I'm too sexy for my love, too sexy for my love... Love's going to leave me...." Hmm.. I am big girl. But it is alright. I love myself as I am and God doesn't give a shit how do I look like. But I am just... so sexy for the world! ;)
Me: I am going to ride with bicycle.
My son: I see...
Me: Do you want to come with?
My Son: I can't. I need to do the bed. He sounds grumpy.
Me: It's alright. I'll wait. I went into the kichen to prepear a cup of coffee.
My mom: Where are you going??
Me: To ride with bicycles.
My mom: Oh, it is too eraly! He just opened his eyes! You can't take him out like that.
Me: I was asking does he wants to come. He told he wants. The end.
My mom: Let him woke up first! You can't go and start doing something so hard so early on the mornig!
Me: Watch us.
*********************
It is just amazing how the things go. Yesterday I went at work with short shirt and it was cold althought sun was shining. Later I went at shop and decided to get a sweater from home. As thought so I did. When I drove back from shop in my woolen sweater I was mad because sun just decided to melt me up in it! Today I was getting home in my sweater and it seemed sooooooo hot so I decided to get my clothes changed and put on a shirt with opened back. And when I was on bicycle and on the streets already I realized that the weather is making fun with me. It was sooooo freezingly cold! I was thinking that it is good I have no willy because in other way it would be just an inch and even that would be inside me... But I don't have it. But I have nipples... Oh dear! My only thought was that I have to ride just quickly enough to get my skin warm!
We have our own rout already. There are some spots where I stop and wait my son to catch me. But till those spots I can ride as fast I can. I like when my hair will take wind under them. It gives the feeling what bird may have when they feel wind under their wings. I stopped in first spot. It was near of a forest. I felt mushrooms smell. I gasped it into my lungs. Oh dear! It was so good! I got down from the bicycle and left it on the side of road when I walked into the forest. The ground was wet from dew. I couldn't see any mushrooms but there were rasberry bushes and under them was some wild strawberries. I did pick some barely red berries. The grass was trodded down. Someone was here before me... ;)
I saw Jakob coming far behind me so I went back to my bicycle and called to him to drive straight and turned down from the street to right. It was quiet area because it was new. Just couple houses and lots of land for new families to buy it and build up their own houses. When I got up on the main street was Jakob waiting me there. I got upset. "I told you to ride on!" Pffttt! Now I have to wait for him again in next place so long time! I passed from him and cranked on while I was standing. I managed to get on 40 km/h! I felt how the wind in my hair blowed away being upset. So what, if I get enough money I will buy a new bicycle for myself and he can have mine current one. His is too heavy for riding.
I did stop in next spot to wait for him. He came finally. I told to him to changes bicycles and he was gladly agree. Oh dear! My kneew poked my chin on his bicycle! :P I drove a bit on but it made wierd noice.
- Jakob, check what the back tyre is doing. I think it is empty.
- Well, it is a bit yeah.
I did stop the bicycle and watched the tyre.
- Nope, I can't ride with it. I am too heavy for the tyre. It will break.
He wasn't happy to swop the bicycles again. I told him that we are going to gas station and will fill it with air. We rode on.
There street went down and after the curv came long straight part. I could see the sky between the houses. Oh dear, how beautiful clouds were on the blue backround! The smell of air was so fresh. The wind in my hair gave me feeling I can fly. Yeah, any minute now I will just strenght my hands up on my sides and fly straight into the sky and press my face into the soft clouds! Oh dear Jeesus, where are you?! Come and rise me up there that I could touch the clouds!
I can do that! I really can do that! I felt joy in my soul and willing to go home and get ready for God works. No empty doings today! I am able to go on again because I know God is with me. Even I turn away from right road sometimes, He will lead me back again and fills me up with good feelings. It has been just wonderful morning today!
We are driving back at home and I see the next spot I should wait him. I watch back and on the long stright road I just can't see him. I hear how Bonnie Tyler starts singing there... "Turn around... Every now and then I think you'll never be the boy I wanted you to be.... Turn around.... But every now and then I see you'll always be the only boy who will be mine the way what you are..." and the sound in my head I turn around to find where he is... There he is ;o)
*****************
I got home and made some sit-ups. Oh, I should do that more often! I should do that every day! I will! Today is just good time to start with it. I did lift my leg behind on my desk and made some chrouches with one leg and then with other one. Good, good. Just what my butt needs. After all of that I leaned back on the table with my hands and made some push-ups as well. Huh! Just a shower to take and I will feel as new person!
*****************
There sings Right Said Fred on my laptop and I will yell to sing with him. "....I'm a model, you know what I meeean.. And I do my little turn on the catwalk.. Yeah, on the catwalk, on the catwalk, yeah! I shake my little touche on the catwalk..." I am creaming my body while I am dancing by the music and sing with. I shake it so all my flabs shake like Homer's belly and moan: "... I'm too sexy for my cat, too sexy for my cat.. Poor pussy, poor pussy cat... I'm too sexy for my love, too sexy for my love... Love's going to leave me...." Hmm.. I am big girl. But it is alright. I love myself as I am and God doesn't give a shit how do I look like. But I am just... so sexy for the world! ;)
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