It was long morning in church today. I got in bed at 2 AM and out from it 6:10 AM. I was doing congregation infosheet yesterday and getting ready for children lesson. I needed to run early to church today because I had to make lots of copies from the infopage, get ready the children class and read the mission story as well. So I had to make a plan.
I did dress up. Since my clothes were a bit too large I had to needle the button a bit more closer. I looked up my black shoes with high heels and made my hair. I did add some mascara on my eyelashes and tone my lips a bit. Then I sat down behind my desk and swiched on my laptop. I needed sometihng more for children lesson. I found the some bible textes for Sword Drill and some questions for quiz. I took my stuff and we went to churc to get there for 8 AM.
Even the doors were closed! But we got in. I managed to make all copies. During fold up them I was reading and repeating the children story and tried to tell it. So when I finished folding then the story was in my head. 9:45 I ran up to the ceremony room to read the mission story. Not much people were there and the microfon was not switched on yet. But I have strong voice. After the reading I ran down to children class and it went great. I finished it on time and got up into ceremony room over long time too early. They were singing still the first song from the song moment. Usually I am still down when the ceremony has started... The Pathfinders arranged the ceremony so my son had also something to say for congregation about smart choices (I wrote the text last night!!!). Lots of songs and then the preacher part... The pastor was from Valgas congregation. He is youngest pastor in Estonia in our congregation. And his preacher was soooooo good. He was talking very well and made everyone to listen him and the topic was good as well. We had argued last week on mission board about the topic and now it was exactly what my soul needed. That my thoughts were right about it. I am thankful for God that He showed I am going on the right way.
He was talking about love inside of cogregation. He told that quit often men will come and say that they want the cogregation/pastor/people would do THAT to them. But actually we should watch inside ourselves and ask what we are ready to do others. And should we wait for someting back?
"Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy. But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust. For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? do not even the publicans the same? And if ye salute your brethren only, what do ye more than others? do not even the publicans so? Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect." (Matthew 5:43-48)
It is beautiful message, isn't it? Everyone do good to others and wait that others will do the good back to them. Are we then differt from the publicans when we do the same? Of course not. It is so easy to love back when someone loves you. It is so good to care about someone if you are cared by him/her as well. But good persons should love also when they are not loved back, care also when they never get back the carings from there. That's the love.
It was message of the pastor's preacher and it really touched deeply my heart.
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Changes...
I stopped today in front of mirror. I had something in my eye. When I plinked it out I was just standing there and watching at myself. There I was, with weight what was lot more than just overweight. Actually 2 months and some days ago I was not fat but even 15,5 kg over max line of being fat. I weight 133,5 kg... But today when I was
watching my face, the skin, my eyes and my smile, I was falling in love with me. Today I am just fat. Today I weighted finally 118 kg and it is just being fat! It's the maximum line but still. 2 more months like that and I will be just a little bit over 100 kg and it means that I am getting close to the max line of over weight. But that's not even important. What is important is that I was watching myself and my heart sang a song for me. I like myself. A lot. I have lived so much over and I am more alive than I have been last 10 years together.
I lost a job on England. When I did returned I found my son had really big probelms at school with studying so I was sitting at home and helping him to get all done for next school day and it meant I had no possibility to find a job. I fall into really deep depression till I was very close to suicide. I pushed everyone away from myself and hurted my beloved ones with my words and acts. I was ugly and fat and I did hate myself. And I didn't get tired to replay it to myself and my fiance. I couldn't find the way out from that. Then God remind Himslef trough a forum I started reading.
When I was thinking that looking for help from church could be worth to try and my fiance supported me in the thought. I told him that may have fatal concequence because once there I may not leave from there but it was alright to him. Came out he believed God. Jee... I didn't know him at all. The church and refound God changed my life. My child got into new school and the problems with his study resolved. The first place where I went to ask a job took me at work. I have worked there already 1 year and 4 months. The work place have gaved me really good oportunities to start my study what has been great. The angels have been with me on every my step at collage and hold me in my studies. Jee... and that happened after I found a God again. What was it? Coincidentce? Yeah, believe that then if you wish. I know it was God. God's grace is just wonderful. My life was changed. Now it was needed to changes me as well. You know, it takes really long to study to love God even when He makes wonderful things to you. I lost my fiance. I think that it was too much to him and he wasn't ready for so big changes. I do understand it actually. Althougt it doesn't make easier to lose someone you have loved with all your heart and to who you are really thankful for support and love he gaved to me before. Even when I was really deep down with myself. It was really hard time for me and I had quite many battles what could get me down into the deep darknes again. I wished to abandon everything I had. Wanted to go back to walk alone on the street, to bring back alcochol and smokes and parties and men into my life. I wanted to forgot the pain with all of that. I was angry on God He let it to happen. I begged Him to change it all back. Althought a really strong voice inside me told that it is alright. It is even better that way. Trust God because He has made wonderful things in your life. He will turn the pain for joy inside you. I really didn't want to listen that because the heartpain for love is really hard to abide. Time passed and my prayers change. I asked to get rid off my pain and forgot the love I felt. Every time the pain was burring me I begged God to rip off my 
feelings for him from me, to make me heartless that I never could feel the pain again. And he did it. After prayers I got back my inside piece and one day I didn't feel love anymore and no pain. I got back my life. Well, I lost 10 kg with 3 weeks and after that my weight have lost bit by bit and it is still decreasing. I got bicycle and I really love the time on it. I spend on it more time than I should because I need to still do my last efforts for studings but the days have been so nice... I have more time for my new friends and church activity. I have more time for myself and God. I feel useful for world and what most important - my old dream to commit myself for friends and people around me are coming true as well. I feel myself beautiful and so alive! It is why I prais God now! And for ever.
Do I miss back life I had befor? Nope. Not the life. Maybe I do miss my ex-fiance and the way how he did care about me, but not even that so much anymore. He is like ich in my soul but that's nothing what our current relationship could not cover and we are... to say that friends would be too much. But since we know each other quite well then we can tell more things to eachother than for usual acquaintance. The ich may be also from that I can't say now everything what I could tell to him before and that is making the relationship a bit like balancing on the rope but that's alright as well. It's why I do have Margo and Janne and Dreamer and Kärt and Joosep and Toomas and Kaile and... - to say what is iching in me and they do understand it. My life is worth every minute I have. I pray I could use them well but not so well that I would forget people around me. Life is not things around you. Life is relationships what you do have. And it would be really good if very most of them would be positive ;o)
watching my face, the skin, my eyes and my smile, I was falling in love with me. Today I am just fat. Today I weighted finally 118 kg and it is just being fat! It's the maximum line but still. 2 more months like that and I will be just a little bit over 100 kg and it means that I am getting close to the max line of over weight. But that's not even important. What is important is that I was watching myself and my heart sang a song for me. I like myself. A lot. I have lived so much over and I am more alive than I have been last 10 years together.
I lost a job on England. When I did returned I found my son had really big probelms at school with studying so I was sitting at home and helping him to get all done for next school day and it meant I had no possibility to find a job. I fall into really deep depression till I was very close to suicide. I pushed everyone away from myself and hurted my beloved ones with my words and acts. I was ugly and fat and I did hate myself. And I didn't get tired to replay it to myself and my fiance. I couldn't find the way out from that. Then God remind Himslef trough a forum I started reading.
When I was thinking that looking for help from church could be worth to try and my fiance supported me in the thought. I told him that may have fatal concequence because once there I may not leave from there but it was alright to him. Came out he believed God. Jee... I didn't know him at all. The church and refound God changed my life. My child got into new school and the problems with his study resolved. The first place where I went to ask a job took me at work. I have worked there already 1 year and 4 months. The work place have gaved me really good oportunities to start my study what has been great. The angels have been with me on every my step at collage and hold me in my studies. Jee... and that happened after I found a God again. What was it? Coincidentce? Yeah, believe that then if you wish. I know it was God. God's grace is just wonderful. My life was changed. Now it was needed to changes me as well. You know, it takes really long to study to love God even when He makes wonderful things to you. I lost my fiance. I think that it was too much to him and he wasn't ready for so big changes. I do understand it actually. Althougt it doesn't make easier to lose someone you have loved with all your heart and to who you are really thankful for support and love he gaved to me before. Even when I was really deep down with myself. It was really hard time for me and I had quite many battles what could get me down into the deep darknes again. I wished to abandon everything I had. Wanted to go back to walk alone on the street, to bring back alcochol and smokes and parties and men into my life. I wanted to forgot the pain with all of that. I was angry on God He let it to happen. I begged Him to change it all back. Althought a really strong voice inside me told that it is alright. It is even better that way. Trust God because He has made wonderful things in your life. He will turn the pain for joy inside you. I really didn't want to listen that because the heartpain for love is really hard to abide. Time passed and my prayers change. I asked to get rid off my pain and forgot the love I felt. Every time the pain was burring me I begged God to rip off my 
feelings for him from me, to make me heartless that I never could feel the pain again. And he did it. After prayers I got back my inside piece and one day I didn't feel love anymore and no pain. I got back my life. Well, I lost 10 kg with 3 weeks and after that my weight have lost bit by bit and it is still decreasing. I got bicycle and I really love the time on it. I spend on it more time than I should because I need to still do my last efforts for studings but the days have been so nice... I have more time for my new friends and church activity. I have more time for myself and God. I feel useful for world and what most important - my old dream to commit myself for friends and people around me are coming true as well. I feel myself beautiful and so alive! It is why I prais God now! And for ever.Do I miss back life I had befor? Nope. Not the life. Maybe I do miss my ex-fiance and the way how he did care about me, but not even that so much anymore. He is like ich in my soul but that's nothing what our current relationship could not cover and we are... to say that friends would be too much. But since we know each other quite well then we can tell more things to eachother than for usual acquaintance. The ich may be also from that I can't say now everything what I could tell to him before and that is making the relationship a bit like balancing on the rope but that's alright as well. It's why I do have Margo and Janne and Dreamer and Kärt and Joosep and Toomas and Kaile and... - to say what is iching in me and they do understand it. My life is worth every minute I have. I pray I could use them well but not so well that I would forget people around me. Life is not things around you. Life is relationships what you do have. And it would be really good if very most of them would be positive ;o)
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Lord, I hope this day is good
AAAAAAAA! I have new mobile phone!! Brand new!! Dark, shiny, exactly like I wanted!! I am soooooooo excited!!! SOOOO EXCITED!!
Oh, and almost got hitted by a jeep on the crosswalk when I had green light! 2 cm away from death! Jee... I have to be careful with my wishes. They may come when you don't wait for them anymore! :P
Hmm... what would say Margo or Dreamer or scaterplot if they would hear about my death? Maybe even couple months later? Jee... my friends are so far away from me ;o(
*******************
It is just amazing how God I active in our lives if we let Him to be. Those little things what have bothered us and when you have asked Him, He has then just took away from your life or the little things you have asked to add, He has gave to you. Even if it is just a lost keys what you have tried to find half of your day. You have paniced and cried and blamed everyone around you and when you just kneel down and rise your hands and eyes for help you just find them from the first place you go or watch.
Oh, and almost got hitted by a jeep on the crosswalk when I had green light! 2 cm away from death! Jee... I have to be careful with my wishes. They may come when you don't wait for them anymore! :P
Hmm... what would say Margo or Dreamer or scaterplot if they would hear about my death? Maybe even couple months later? Jee... my friends are so far away from me ;o(
*******************
It is just amazing how God I active in our lives if we let Him to be. Those little things what have bothered us and when you have asked Him, He has then just took away from your life or the little things you have asked to add, He has gave to you. Even if it is just a lost keys what you have tried to find half of your day. You have paniced and cried and blamed everyone around you and when you just kneel down and rise your hands and eyes for help you just find them from the first place you go or watch.
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Lovely weekend
This friday I had to be in Tallinn. I visited a kindergarten of Waldorf there. It is one really nice place for children. The weather was great for a spring. It was shiny and quite warm for Tallinn. Althought when I step out from bus on
the morning I was wondering that it is more like winter there. It was windy and quite cold in shadows. But the wind was actually quite friendly and warm. Later sometime in afternoon or early on the evening I went to meet with Margo, friend of mine. Our friendship have growed up during 8 years. When we did meet finally we spent great time together.
I would call it quolity time for relaxation. You have possible tell what is your mind, make jokes about you like and you feel great because you are spending time with smart person. Even silence was alright. You don't have to always talk when you are with 
someone. When we found a place where we could sit down we got surrounded with birds... But even that was alright. I had a fight with a pigeon for a piece of bread. It was fun because the bird won. It was cute but it got over. Next time again.
*************
And then suddenly came Sunday. We were going to a circus with my son and workmate and her daughter. We sat in the darkness and eat sugarballs. I never knew a lion may be that big!!! Sigh, that cat could be at my home as well. Big-big Luru!! Cats are so royal animals, aren't they?
And after the show we had planned to go to rollskate. It was in otherside of town but since we all were with bicycles then that little thing was not a problem. But the rollskating was... I was doing that last time about 3 years ago and even then I was not very good in it!
But if we watch the pictures then we look really professional, don't we? We are even able to skate directly into the cam! Well, and althought it looks very lovely and sunny day it was still a bit cold. Me being there so nakedly is just because of hope that the sun will fade my sunburn welts. Pandas are lovely animals but I don't want to be SOOOO lovely.
But yeah, it will be sure we will be back there again and quite soon. I even talked to Age and she told she is already agree to go there during the week days as well (She loves order in her life and she is going grazy when there are something unplanned in it. So my first try to get her there spotanneously failed and she was ready for that after 4 days!! And now when I told her to come with me after work someday she told it is not possible and only good day is Sunday for her. 
Since I am working all Sundays next month then I am not able to do that. She was walking around a bit and working and before she left at home she told me that she had time to think and I should keep my mouth shutted if I want to make any comment about the quick time period of her thinking and that it even may be possible to go to rollskate during week days. But! There is always a but. ;) She needs to go home, have some food and then she will be ready. That's great for me. ;o) )
Sunday, May 18, 2008
To the picnic
- Do not turn the map over! I need to see it!
- Aaaaa! Mom! Watch where are you driving!
Creeeeeeght! Pufff!
- Mom! It smokes! Out! Let's get out quickly!
- Out then. What are you watching still?
I got out from the car to see the situtation. The car seemed ok. There rised some smoke from under the engine bonnet, the tyres and bottom was in mud, some bush brances were between number plate and the car was just a bit more dirty...
- When I will grow up I never will drive like that, mom...
- That's a good idea. I will remaind it to you...
I sat into the car and turned the key. The engine started. Seems alright. I set the reversing gear in and tried to get out from the bushes. The wheels turned around but the car didn't work. I came out and we tried to push it out. Nope. It didn't move. I watched a clock on my mobile phone. I have 44 minutes still. I am in middle of the forest... Near at a house I saw a car driving out from the yard and moving to us. They stopped and I saw a young man with a girl sitting there. I smiled and asked can they help me and he told he needs to bring rope from home. Since they turned the car around I fond a rope so he didn't need to go home. I attached the rope on my car and he on his. And then he tried to pull my car out. It didn't move well so we pushed with Jakob it as well. We got it out. After removing the rope I sat into the car and started it. It worked. Till I turned it around back into the right direction the helpere of mine left. I stopped at their house and went out to say how thankful I am.
I sat back into my car and left. Jakob next to me said I should not speed anymore...
- Aaaaa! Mom! Watch where are you driving!
Creeeeeeght! Pufff!
- Mom! It smokes! Out! Let's get out quickly!
- Out then. What are you watching still?
I got out from the car to see the situtation. The car seemed ok. There rised some smoke from under the engine bonnet, the tyres and bottom was in mud, some bush brances were between number plate and the car was just a bit more dirty...
- When I will grow up I never will drive like that, mom...
- That's a good idea. I will remaind it to you...
I sat into the car and turned the key. The engine started. Seems alright. I set the reversing gear in and tried to get out from the bushes. The wheels turned around but the car didn't work. I came out and we tried to push it out. Nope. It didn't move. I watched a clock on my mobile phone. I have 44 minutes still. I am in middle of the forest... Near at a house I saw a car driving out from the yard and moving to us. They stopped and I saw a young man with a girl sitting there. I smiled and asked can they help me and he told he needs to bring rope from home. Since they turned the car around I fond a rope so he didn't need to go home. I attached the rope on my car and he on his. And then he tried to pull my car out. It didn't move well so we pushed with Jakob it as well. We got it out. After removing the rope I sat into the car and started it. It worked. Till I turned it around back into the right direction the helpere of mine left. I stopped at their house and went out to say how thankful I am.
I sat back into my car and left. Jakob next to me said I should not speed anymore...
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Every drop counts
- Speaking.
- Am I talking with Heleri ...?
- Yes, that's me.
- How do you feel about giving your blood?
- Me? Mine?
- Yes. You and yours. Like being a blood donor.
- Oh, I see. Well.. when?
- Today, if it is alright?
- Nah, I'm working today.
- Tomorrow then?
- Nope. I am working tomorrow as well.
- Well, on thurstday we are opened longer. Maybe then?
- Mnjah. Then I am working 24 hours. Do you really need so badly my blood?
- Well, yes we do.
- Alright. I will see what can I do.
- We'll stay wait for you then.
******************
- What do you wait for here?
- I want to give my blood.
- Why? And to who?
- In the blood centre. They called me.
- Oh, and when are you going?
- Well, now? If you let me to go, boss...
- And you are working today... 24?
- Nope, till 7 PM.
- And you want to go now? Are you able to work after that?
- Sure. I am almost finished here. Just some easier things to do...
- What type of blood do you have?
- B positive.
- Oh! Me too! Why didn't they call me then!! I need to check when I gave last time maybe I can come too!
*************************
Oh crap!!! How big needle!! Ouch! Heaven sake, it hurt!
- Am I talking with Heleri ...?
- Yes, that's me.
- How do you feel about giving your blood?
- Me? Mine?
- Yes. You and yours. Like being a blood donor.
- Oh, I see. Well.. when?
- Today, if it is alright?
- Nah, I'm working today.
- Tomorrow then?
- Nope. I am working tomorrow as well.
- Well, on thurstday we are opened longer. Maybe then?
- Mnjah. Then I am working 24 hours. Do you really need so badly my blood?
- Well, yes we do.
- Alright. I will see what can I do.
- We'll stay wait for you then.
******************
- What do you wait for here?
- I want to give my blood.
- Why? And to who?
- In the blood centre. They called me.
- Oh, and when are you going?
- Well, now? If you let me to go, boss...
- And you are working today... 24?
- Nope, till 7 PM.
- And you want to go now? Are you able to work after that?
- Sure. I am almost finished here. Just some easier things to do...
- What type of blood do you have?
- B positive.
- Oh! Me too! Why didn't they call me then!! I need to check when I gave last time maybe I can come too!
*************************
Oh crap!!! How big needle!! Ouch! Heaven sake, it hurt!
Monday, May 12, 2008
The greens' bicycle expedition 2008, Vol 1
Wow! Just 361 days to the next expedition!
Before... Thursday, 8th May 2008
Planning is half of win
I am working. On Lina street. 24 hours. It means I will finish tomorrow and then I AM IN HURRY! P A N I C ! I just need to sit behind a table and write down everything I need to take with. Good that I am working in house of Lina street today. I have possibility to go home to pack my stuff meantime and hopefully I can leave ealier tomorrow!
********
It is raining. Heavy rain. And how should we camp with weather like that? And why did the weather station said it will be great weather during weekend? Tomorrow is already Friday and today it's RAINING! Life sucks really a lot...
********
Me: Annely! Shame! You are smoking!!
Nurse: Yeah, not usually but my husband got me angry today so I decided to finish those cigaretts today! Do you want also?
Me: Nope. I don't smoke... Well, alright. I will try one...
********
Finally is sun shining again. It rain all day till the evening. Good to see how the streets are getting dry again. Hopefully it will keep all weekend sunny like it is now.
********
For this time I had finished all my duties at work and I had plenty of time for nothing. So I just took my bicycle and rode home to pack for weekend. Since I didn't know weather what was coming then I just pack all trousers I found and lots of T-shirts in case I need to changes them lot and couple sweaters, lots of socks plus 2 pairs of woolen socks and of course underwears. Then I took a pair of other shoes with and my bag was full. Just 2 sockels on the sides. I sticked a bible into one and into other I sticked my toothbrush and pasta, deodorant and perfume and toilet paper of course.
********
Annely: Are you coming to smoke?
Me: Sure. But if I will start smoking again because you I will kill you!
********
Ring! Ring!
- Hallo, Kadri! Why do you call me?
- Hei, Heleri. How are you?
- I am really excited!! Waiting the next morning already! Let's hope it won't rain tomorrow!
- Yeah. You know, we should meet to talk about how we get our stuff on the lorry tomorrow.
- I am working but you can ride here and we can make a circle in Ihaste with bicycles.
- Oh, no. You know my sister is singing today in university's cofé and I would like to go to listen her...
- Alright, call me when you are ready to go and we will meet there.
- Ok. See you later.
- Yeah. Cya.
********
Me: Give me a cigaret.
Nurse: Take from my bag.
********
My phone needed to charge and I did out it to charge in other room. So I never heard she called me. She didn't answer when I did call her back later so we never meet on the evening. I got bed at 10 PM about and I was reading material of sexual edication. I had to make a test in it tomorrow. Actually I did fall into sleep with it...
First day: Friday, 9th May 2008
Willingly free or freely willing
Ring! Ring!
It's 5 AM. I need to get up. Oh dear, how much I don't want to... Pft! i have to hurry. I have to gather together all trash and then I can run home. I am not going to wait for new shift. She have her freedom to complain later on me but I am in hurry. Oh and I am in really big hurry!
********
I did run at home. It was about at 6 AM. I needed to iron Jakob’s clothes for Sabbath. There had to be Mother’s Day ceremony but sadly without his mother. Ja, I did feel guilty because he was playing piano and sang 2 solo songs. But... It was good possibility to get granny in church because someone HAD to listen my son. Ha-haa!
Anyway, I did iron some clothes, packed last things into my bag, tied it up with sleeping bag and tent and were really excited. I couldn’t eat, drink or sit down. Then called Kadri and told she is almost there and I should come out to court house with my stuff as well. So I took my bags and bicycle and tried to transport all of them down on the street. Bah, I really hope I don’t have to carry any of my baggage with me during the weekend. Just bicycle is enough!
I did met with Kadri at court house and we pushed our bicycles cross the street and was looking the lorry what would take our stuff on. One bearded man jumped near to us and asked are we going to Räpina so we nodded. He took our stuff. Great. Then we saw Maris A. there and told to her we will be late since we needed to hurry at collage. We had last class there for practice time. Our lecturer wanted just to tell us what, where and when we have to do our practice. And I had a test to do still… Maris A. nodded and told us we will see in Räpina. We turned around and walked back at my house. We took our car and… grrrr! I had still winter tyres on. Heaven sake! Let’s just hope police is busy enough to not notice that. The economic of our country is not in the best phase at the moment and the wallet of government is almost empty so the last thing I hear the police made a fee to 1 800 crones for my classmate who had crossed 90 km/h limit with 2 km. Did she had to speed then??! 92 km/h! The hoodlum of the roads!
Well, no choice. Hmm… no acceptable choice I mean. We sat into the car and dove at college. Got there early enough to watch around without gasping where is the room we had to get together. Came out the room was in other house. We drove there and voila – the lecturer late! 30 minutes! And we were in hurry! The meeting here had to start at 8. We had to be in Räpina at 11. And we needed for driving about an hour. Brrrr!!! Finally she still came and told what she thought is important. Then we stayed wait for other lecturer who had to talk about practice in a kindergarten. But she was late as well. So the first lecturer gave me the paper with test question and I started to write. It was too noisy so we went into the coffee room. Mean time came other lecturer and the first one told me to come to finish the test later. I told it’s fine and went to listen the other lecturer. I took my sexual education map and tried to find out 3 reasons why people should NOT USE CONDOMS? Only contraindication was the allergy of latex but that was what I already knew!! I checked some other answers as well in what I was not so sure, told to Kadri to take my bag later and went to continue my test again. People should not use condoms when they have allergy of latex, they don’t want to use them or they don’t know how to use them. She has to accept my answer because you can’t use condoms when you don’t know how to do that… ;o)
At 10:20 we were into the car and on the street to Räpina. Just first we needed to drive trough the city… It took time but finally on the road we hooked us behind a car who seemed to hurry to Räpina as well and … about 20 km before Räpina blinked a car who passed from us to opposite direction. I took the speed down and there it was – police. But he was busy with the car who did drive before me so I passed from them with 65 km/h. He could stop me to ask why am I so slow but as I told he was busy. So, here I come, Räpina!
About 10 km before the town we saw a man on a bicycle and he rode to the Räpina. He had on a suit of bicyclist and bags on the luggage carrier.
Me: He is going to the expedition!
K: No! I don’t believe that!
Me: I am sure he is. And he is late as well!
K: Can’t be true. We are too far from the start.
Wow! Many cars! Very many! =) There was a police standing in middle of the Räpina and was waving with his wand. I turned where he asked me and others to turn and we did so. I didn’t have any idea why in this direction but later I saw there was parking place! There were just too many cars and queue. We moved on slowly, length by car in time. Sun was shining and it was really hot in my old Mazda. No conditioner. Hmm… and how much did I pollute air… I switched off my car and started it again when we had to move on. Seems that it was not good idea because about 5 length of car from parking place gate when my we smell some pungency. And then we saw how my car started to smoke! We watched each other with Kadri, burst to laugh and I did switched off my car. We got out from car. The guys from the car what was in front of us were already before standing out and they didn’t understand what happened with us till we said we have panic because our car is burning. They watched us and then the car and smiled at us. When I did check the motor they peek it also. I told I can’t see it burning so maybe I should try to switch it on again. Well, it didn’t start. The boys said they will help us to push the car. I took the direction on the side from the queue but they said they will help us to push it to parking place. Jee… pieces of gold! :D Seemed that a man who collected money at the gate felt sorry for us because he never asked ticket money from us. Our lovely helpers pushed my car on the parking place and parked it near of the exit. Someone commented that we are real greenies and use lovely green method for drive with car… Huh! We are here and I don’t intend to worry about the car before I need it for leaving!
I did call to Maris A and told we are there and our car is parked. What should we do? Oh yeah, we registered as voluntaries so we had some duties to do… She told our bicycles should be at church and she waits for us as well behind of it. We took the aim to the church what was over the crossing where the policeman regularized traffic. Our poor bicycles were last ones what were standing there. The man who was watching them told he believes us that they belong to us and we drove to find Maris A. She was where she told she had to be. We got our green hand stripes what told we are a part from team and we got everything freely. We had to pay just for the lunch but even for that we could pay just half price! But for those goodies we had some duties to do as well. We had to guard trash bins! 3 of them. One for bottles, one for biodegrading trash and one for trash what didn’t belong into first and second bin. Maris A. told to us sit on our bicycle and go into first lunch place into our duties. It had to place somewhere in 30 km.
So it started. We put on our yellow vests what everyone got who belonged into the team. I was on the wheels and the weather was just beautiful! I had to take with a sweeter as well but I really didn’t need it. It was really hot. In the first side of May! Like summer!!
********
Wow! Hundreds and hundreds persons with bicycles! It is really impressing! And the nature was wonderful. The birches had full grow leaves on but they were all new and still light green. It is late spring. I do enjoy every gasp of fresh air here. The fields and meadows around me gave really warmth feeling inside. The countryside! I have missed it all.
********
We arrived at lunch place with late. Music was playing, a speaker was talking, the most of the peoples had found their places on the grass and had their food or were getting them from the queues near the food wagons. We were watching around and found our bins. Sigh. People can’t read. So I just had to sort the trash there… But if it was done was just great stand there and listen what was happening around there. Oh and communication between people was good! We were joking with them. Some faces were quite often there so we told them that we are going to test them soon and if they fail they had to sort out their trash by theirselves. 
Oh, and there we met with a car pusher -our great helper at car parking place. He didn’t recognize us at first place but after he went back on the road he came back to show his bicycle. I think his name was Rainar… I hope =P
But anyway. We standed there when almost all riders were back on the roud and just arranger team was there till our boss came to tell to us that others will finish there and we should take the trip to the next camping place. Juhhuuu! We jumped on the bicycles and left. It was about 3 PM and I was thinking that on the evening is Dagö's concert and they do really great music. The concert was one reason from others why I actually was thinking to take part from the expedition. Yeah, next day had to be also a concert but from some unknown band what couldn't be very good anyway.
The last kilometers of the road was not very good. It was from sand and on it was really hard to ride. But finally we made it. We got there when most of people had set up their tents already and they were eaten also. We went to have our supper. I couldn't eat much because they had used everywhere pork meat but happily there were lots of take away food boxes and I managed to find one what sold chicken. Party! 
When we had finally finished our supper we had to go and find our tent and bags. The lorries were standing farther so we took the direction on them. And wow! We were not the last ones! We still had to look for our stuff among other bags.
********
Before... Thursday, 8th May 2008Planning is half of win
I am working. On Lina street. 24 hours. It means I will finish tomorrow and then I AM IN HURRY! P A N I C ! I just need to sit behind a table and write down everything I need to take with. Good that I am working in house of Lina street today. I have possibility to go home to pack my stuff meantime and hopefully I can leave ealier tomorrow!
********
It is raining. Heavy rain. And how should we camp with weather like that? And why did the weather station said it will be great weather during weekend? Tomorrow is already Friday and today it's RAINING! Life sucks really a lot...********
Me: Annely! Shame! You are smoking!!
Nurse: Yeah, not usually but my husband got me angry today so I decided to finish those cigaretts today! Do you want also?
Me: Nope. I don't smoke... Well, alright. I will try one...
********
Finally is sun shining again. It rain all day till the evening. Good to see how the streets are getting dry again. Hopefully it will keep all weekend sunny like it is now.********
For this time I had finished all my duties at work and I had plenty of time for nothing. So I just took my bicycle and rode home to pack for weekend. Since I didn't know weather what was coming then I just pack all trousers I found and lots of T-shirts in case I need to changes them lot and couple sweaters, lots of socks plus 2 pairs of woolen socks and of course underwears. Then I took a pair of other shoes with and my bag was full. Just 2 sockels on the sides. I sticked a bible into one and into other I sticked my toothbrush and pasta, deodorant and perfume and toilet paper of course.
********
Annely: Are you coming to smoke?Me: Sure. But if I will start smoking again because you I will kill you!
********
Ring! Ring!
- Hallo, Kadri! Why do you call me?
- Hei, Heleri. How are you?
- I am really excited!! Waiting the next morning already! Let's hope it won't rain tomorrow!
- Yeah. You know, we should meet to talk about how we get our stuff on the lorry tomorrow.
- I am working but you can ride here and we can make a circle in Ihaste with bicycles.
- Oh, no. You know my sister is singing today in university's cofé and I would like to go to listen her...
- Alright, call me when you are ready to go and we will meet there.
- Ok. See you later.
- Yeah. Cya.
********
Me: Give me a cigaret.Nurse: Take from my bag.
********
My phone needed to charge and I did out it to charge in other room. So I never heard she called me. She didn't answer when I did call her back later so we never meet on the evening. I got bed at 10 PM about and I was reading material of sexual edication. I had to make a test in it tomorrow. Actually I did fall into sleep with it...
First day: Friday, 9th May 2008
Willingly free or freely willing
Ring! Ring!
It's 5 AM. I need to get up. Oh dear, how much I don't want to... Pft! i have to hurry. I have to gather together all trash and then I can run home. I am not going to wait for new shift. She have her freedom to complain later on me but I am in hurry. Oh and I am in really big hurry!
********
I did run at home. It was about at 6 AM. I needed to iron Jakob’s clothes for Sabbath. There had to be Mother’s Day ceremony but sadly without his mother. Ja, I did feel guilty because he was playing piano and sang 2 solo songs. But... It was good possibility to get granny in church because someone HAD to listen my son. Ha-haa!
Anyway, I did iron some clothes, packed last things into my bag, tied it up with sleeping bag and tent and were really excited. I couldn’t eat, drink or sit down. Then called Kadri and told she is almost there and I should come out to court house with my stuff as well. So I took my bags and bicycle and tried to transport all of them down on the street. Bah, I really hope I don’t have to carry any of my baggage with me during the weekend. Just bicycle is enough!
I did met with Kadri at court house and we pushed our bicycles cross the street and was looking the lorry what would take our stuff on. One bearded man jumped near to us and asked are we going to Räpina so we nodded. He took our stuff. Great. Then we saw Maris A. there and told to her we will be late since we needed to hurry at collage. We had last class there for practice time. Our lecturer wanted just to tell us what, where and when we have to do our practice. And I had a test to do still… Maris A. nodded and told us we will see in Räpina. We turned around and walked back at my house. We took our car and… grrrr! I had still winter tyres on. Heaven sake! Let’s just hope police is busy enough to not notice that. The economic of our country is not in the best phase at the moment and the wallet of government is almost empty so the last thing I hear the police made a fee to 1 800 crones for my classmate who had crossed 90 km/h limit with 2 km. Did she had to speed then??! 92 km/h! The hoodlum of the roads! Well, no choice. Hmm… no acceptable choice I mean. We sat into the car and dove at college. Got there early enough to watch around without gasping where is the room we had to get together. Came out the room was in other house. We drove there and voila – the lecturer late! 30 minutes! And we were in hurry! The meeting here had to start at 8. We had to be in Räpina at 11. And we needed for driving about an hour. Brrrr!!! Finally she still came and told what she thought is important. Then we stayed wait for other lecturer who had to talk about practice in a kindergarten. But she was late as well. So the first lecturer gave me the paper with test question and I started to write. It was too noisy so we went into the coffee room. Mean time came other lecturer and the first one told me to come to finish the test later. I told it’s fine and went to listen the other lecturer. I took my sexual education map and tried to find out 3 reasons why people should NOT USE CONDOMS? Only contraindication was the allergy of latex but that was what I already knew!! I checked some other answers as well in what I was not so sure, told to Kadri to take my bag later and went to continue my test again. People should not use condoms when they have allergy of latex, they don’t want to use them or they don’t know how to use them. She has to accept my answer because you can’t use condoms when you don’t know how to do that… ;o)
At 10:20 we were into the car and on the street to Räpina. Just first we needed to drive trough the city… It took time but finally on the road we hooked us behind a car who seemed to hurry to Räpina as well and … about 20 km before Räpina blinked a car who passed from us to opposite direction. I took the speed down and there it was – police. But he was busy with the car who did drive before me so I passed from them with 65 km/h. He could stop me to ask why am I so slow but as I told he was busy. So, here I come, Räpina!
About 10 km before the town we saw a man on a bicycle and he rode to the Räpina. He had on a suit of bicyclist and bags on the luggage carrier.
Me: He is going to the expedition!
K: No! I don’t believe that!
Me: I am sure he is. And he is late as well!
K: Can’t be true. We are too far from the start.
Wow! Many cars! Very many! =) There was a police standing in middle of the Räpina and was waving with his wand. I turned where he asked me and others to turn and we did so. I didn’t have any idea why in this direction but later I saw there was parking place! There were just too many cars and queue. We moved on slowly, length by car in time. Sun was shining and it was really hot in my old Mazda. No conditioner. Hmm… and how much did I pollute air… I switched off my car and started it again when we had to move on. Seems that it was not good idea because about 5 length of car from parking place gate when my we smell some pungency. And then we saw how my car started to smoke! We watched each other with Kadri, burst to laugh and I did switched off my car. We got out from car. The guys from the car what was in front of us were already before standing out and they didn’t understand what happened with us till we said we have panic because our car is burning. They watched us and then the car and smiled at us. When I did check the motor they peek it also. I told I can’t see it burning so maybe I should try to switch it on again. Well, it didn’t start. The boys said they will help us to push the car. I took the direction on the side from the queue but they said they will help us to push it to parking place. Jee… pieces of gold! :D Seemed that a man who collected money at the gate felt sorry for us because he never asked ticket money from us. Our lovely helpers pushed my car on the parking place and parked it near of the exit. Someone commented that we are real greenies and use lovely green method for drive with car… Huh! We are here and I don’t intend to worry about the car before I need it for leaving! 
I did call to Maris A and told we are there and our car is parked. What should we do? Oh yeah, we registered as voluntaries so we had some duties to do… She told our bicycles should be at church and she waits for us as well behind of it. We took the aim to the church what was over the crossing where the policeman regularized traffic. Our poor bicycles were last ones what were standing there. The man who was watching them told he believes us that they belong to us and we drove to find Maris A. She was where she told she had to be. We got our green hand stripes what told we are a part from team and we got everything freely. We had to pay just for the lunch but even for that we could pay just half price! But for those goodies we had some duties to do as well. We had to guard trash bins! 3 of them. One for bottles, one for biodegrading trash and one for trash what didn’t belong into first and second bin. Maris A. told to us sit on our bicycle and go into first lunch place into our duties. It had to place somewhere in 30 km. 
So it started. We put on our yellow vests what everyone got who belonged into the team. I was on the wheels and the weather was just beautiful! I had to take with a sweeter as well but I really didn’t need it. It was really hot. In the first side of May! Like summer!! ********
Wow! Hundreds and hundreds persons with bicycles! It is really impressing! And the nature was wonderful. The birches had full grow leaves on but they were all new and still light green. It is late spring. I do enjoy every gasp of fresh air here. The fields and meadows around me gave really warmth feeling inside. The countryside! I have missed it all.
********
We arrived at lunch place with late. Music was playing, a speaker was talking, the most of the peoples had found their places on the grass and had their food or were getting them from the queues near the food wagons. We were watching around and found our bins. Sigh. People can’t read. So I just had to sort the trash there… But if it was done was just great stand there and listen what was happening around there. Oh and communication between people was good! We were joking with them. Some faces were quite often there so we told them that we are going to test them soon and if they fail they had to sort out their trash by theirselves. 
Oh, and there we met with a car pusher -our great helper at car parking place. He didn’t recognize us at first place but after he went back on the road he came back to show his bicycle. I think his name was Rainar… I hope =PBut anyway. We standed there when almost all riders were back on the roud and just arranger team was there till our boss came to tell to us that others will finish there and we should take the trip to the next camping place. Juhhuuu! We jumped on the bicycles and left. It was about 3 PM and I was thinking that on the evening is Dagö's concert and they do really great music. The concert was one reason from others why I actually was thinking to take part from the expedition. Yeah, next day had to be also a concert but from some unknown band what couldn't be very good anyway.
The last kilometers of the road was not very good. It was from sand and on it was really hard to ride. But finally we made it. We got there when most of people had set up their tents already and they were eaten also. We went to have our supper. I couldn't eat much because they had used everywhere pork meat but happily there were lots of take away food boxes and I managed to find one what sold chicken. Party! 
When we had finally finished our supper we had to go and find our tent and bags. The lorries were standing farther so we took the direction on them. And wow! We were not the last ones! We still had to look for our stuff among other bags.********
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Turn your face forward...
It is wierd how much I have time for things what I want to do. I may go out when I want without thinking that I leave someone to wait for me. Or me feeling guilty that I am having fun alone. I feel ... I don't know... slowfree. It is kind of mix from feelings like happiness, freedom, sadness... Happy that I have so many things to discover, to do, to feel, to see, to find, to think, to tell... Freedom as free of some boundries... or duties. But sometimes still a bit sad that noone is waiting for me...
Dreamer asked me lately what happend if Frog would crawl back to me. If... Well, I believe it never happnes. If you don't love someone you just don't love. Then it is better to live alone. So he never comes back because... how hurtful it is to say out I know HE DOESN'T LOVE ME. He even don't care about me... Well, now it is said out. But I still don't know what would I do IF he would come back. I have never thought on that. Probably because I don't want to lie to myself. And since there is no way he will be back anyway then I just don't have to start ever to think on it. Sometimes I have fit of some hartache feeling because of memories and the good time with him and because I long those times. But it is the part of life just. I am sad sometimes because of my father too... But I never get back him as well.
But IF he should show up willing to come back then... I will see did I love him enough or I loved (and love) just myself because to love is just ability to forgive. ;o) Luckily I don't have to test myself in it because he doesn't care about my forgivness as well.
Actually I am amazed about the 2 months rools. I didn't really believe it works. Maybe I didn't want it to work just but I have to admit that it did. I am waiting
for the weekend what is coming! I am just little in panic because I am working tomorrow and on Friday we have to leave already but I haven't pack anything yet and I haven't brought tent yet at my sister and I have no clue how to get the stuff on the bus because I have a meeting at school during the time but I NEED to get my stuff on the bus! Oh, dear, oh dear! And I am not very keen to do that even now because I got a "good" idea to find a London's adevent forum to get to know people there and make new friends in MY NEW HOME CHURCH! Because soon I will be there and it would be good idea to have some people there who know you and wait for you. :D Jee, I am waiting for verifying letter from them but it may take time!! But I am not very... I do am patient! I am. I really do am! I do!
Pftt!
Dreamer asked me lately what happend if Frog would crawl back to me. If... Well, I believe it never happnes. If you don't love someone you just don't love. Then it is better to live alone. So he never comes back because... how hurtful it is to say out I know HE DOESN'T LOVE ME. He even don't care about me... Well, now it is said out. But I still don't know what would I do IF he would come back. I have never thought on that. Probably because I don't want to lie to myself. And since there is no way he will be back anyway then I just don't have to start ever to think on it. Sometimes I have fit of some hartache feeling because of memories and the good time with him and because I long those times. But it is the part of life just. I am sad sometimes because of my father too... But I never get back him as well.
But IF he should show up willing to come back then... I will see did I love him enough or I loved (and love) just myself because to love is just ability to forgive. ;o) Luckily I don't have to test myself in it because he doesn't care about my forgivness as well.
Actually I am amazed about the 2 months rools. I didn't really believe it works. Maybe I didn't want it to work just but I have to admit that it did. I am waiting
for the weekend what is coming! I am just little in panic because I am working tomorrow and on Friday we have to leave already but I haven't pack anything yet and I haven't brought tent yet at my sister and I have no clue how to get the stuff on the bus because I have a meeting at school during the time but I NEED to get my stuff on the bus! Oh, dear, oh dear! And I am not very keen to do that even now because I got a "good" idea to find a London's adevent forum to get to know people there and make new friends in MY NEW HOME CHURCH! Because soon I will be there and it would be good idea to have some people there who know you and wait for you. :D Jee, I am waiting for verifying letter from them but it may take time!! But I am not very... I do am patient! I am. I really do am! I do!Pftt!
Monday, May 5, 2008
About dreams
I had conversation with a friend of mine today and I showed to her my dream garden. She told me that she likes persons who don't afraid to dream. My first reaction was that dreams are power of life...
Well, for a moment I thought that actually they are not but they still are. There can be some type of persons who dream but afraid to live. Those quiet grey little mouses. They do dream but they don't believe in dreams. They don't believe they ever come true but I know they will.
Noone has told that you can't changes your dreams. The dreams are like childrend they grow. And sometimes you can grow quicker so you don't need your old dreams and you will change them out again. Once I did dream about home on a white beach with children and palmtrees. It was nice dream but was not only mine. Since my life has changed, my dreams had to changes as well. Now I do dream about house between green hills with big garden where the fence is steened from stones and there are hundred and one plants, trees and pushs. Once I was dreaming myself into Africa, working and living with blacks in some small town or city. Now I dream about living in England maybe with some black :) Dreams may changes and they will come true. You may even dream that you are a princess! I was some years one of them! And I am sure one day I will be one again! :D
I know also my dream about England will come true. I make plans for that as well. I will finsh my studies and will move to England. I have heard already that the midwives from our school have had really positive feedback from London's hospitals. So I am sure I will find a job there and a new life as well. Actually I am sure I could find a job over world after my school because I love the job and I am and will be good in it. If you dare to dream then dare to hope it will come true and MOVE forward it. You are the one who brings your dreams true. You are the one who has the key of dream machine what makse them come true. You should not afraid to use it.
There may be dreams for what my life is not long enough but I am happy if I will get my dream garden in Heaven as well. And hopefully I may to build up it myself because only so I may enjoy it. I find that dreams are amazing. They will give you wish to live on. It is really hard when your dreams have collapsed on some reason. I know it even too well. But you may always build up new dreams without being bitter and thinking that they will collaps anyway. No, they won't. You don't have to build up same dreams you had. You may changes them that they could be suitable for your new life and voila! Life goes on!
Well, life goes on anyway. You have just changes to go with it in good or bad way. Being bitter or waiting for new challanges what you may overwhelm. The dreams are motivation for living.
Everybody dreams. Some dreams are just... different dreams. You may dream about new car. You may live for new car! But by my mind it is not right dream. Oh, I do like a new car! If I will have it I will drive with it gladly! But I don't definatelly dream about getting one. I am happy with my old Mazda what will die soon but it has served me well till then. I like my new bicycle. I am abel to do all my trips in city and even more. So I don't need a new fancy car. And money... hmm, someone just told me that money - it is happiness! I don't believe in it. Of course you need it but only reasonable amount. Just for living. You don't have to buy castles and car caravans. It is happiness you are able to build up everything you need yourself. With your hands! I thank God I have all limbs working and ask forgivens for my complains over life. I have my whole working body and noone has to watch after me, whipe my butt or feed me. Thanks for all of that.
Well, for a moment I thought that actually they are not but they still are. There can be some type of persons who dream but afraid to live. Those quiet grey little mouses. They do dream but they don't believe in dreams. They don't believe they ever come true but I know they will.
Noone has told that you can't changes your dreams. The dreams are like childrend they grow. And sometimes you can grow quicker so you don't need your old dreams and you will change them out again. Once I did dream about home on a white beach with children and palmtrees. It was nice dream but was not only mine. Since my life has changed, my dreams had to changes as well. Now I do dream about house between green hills with big garden where the fence is steened from stones and there are hundred and one plants, trees and pushs. Once I was dreaming myself into Africa, working and living with blacks in some small town or city. Now I dream about living in England maybe with some black :) Dreams may changes and they will come true. You may even dream that you are a princess! I was some years one of them! And I am sure one day I will be one again! :D
I know also my dream about England will come true. I make plans for that as well. I will finsh my studies and will move to England. I have heard already that the midwives from our school have had really positive feedback from London's hospitals. So I am sure I will find a job there and a new life as well. Actually I am sure I could find a job over world after my school because I love the job and I am and will be good in it. If you dare to dream then dare to hope it will come true and MOVE forward it. You are the one who brings your dreams true. You are the one who has the key of dream machine what makse them come true. You should not afraid to use it.
There may be dreams for what my life is not long enough but I am happy if I will get my dream garden in Heaven as well. And hopefully I may to build up it myself because only so I may enjoy it. I find that dreams are amazing. They will give you wish to live on. It is really hard when your dreams have collapsed on some reason. I know it even too well. But you may always build up new dreams without being bitter and thinking that they will collaps anyway. No, they won't. You don't have to build up same dreams you had. You may changes them that they could be suitable for your new life and voila! Life goes on!
Well, life goes on anyway. You have just changes to go with it in good or bad way. Being bitter or waiting for new challanges what you may overwhelm. The dreams are motivation for living.
Everybody dreams. Some dreams are just... different dreams. You may dream about new car. You may live for new car! But by my mind it is not right dream. Oh, I do like a new car! If I will have it I will drive with it gladly! But I don't definatelly dream about getting one. I am happy with my old Mazda what will die soon but it has served me well till then. I like my new bicycle. I am abel to do all my trips in city and even more. So I don't need a new fancy car. And money... hmm, someone just told me that money - it is happiness! I don't believe in it. Of course you need it but only reasonable amount. Just for living. You don't have to buy castles and car caravans. It is happiness you are able to build up everything you need yourself. With your hands! I thank God I have all limbs working and ask forgivens for my complains over life. I have my whole working body and noone has to watch after me, whipe my butt or feed me. Thanks for all of that.
Sunday, May 4, 2008
The garden what will be mine
Do you see!? THAT is a dream!! My dream! :D
Forget the house! It has no place in my dream. My house will be blue with pink hearts like it has always been. But watch the fence and the garden at all! Yes, that kind of garden and fence will be once mine. 
I don't know yet when but it will be. Only problem is that then I have to marry with rich englishman because I will move to live there soon and the land there is REALLY expencive. As I told the pictures
are from a journal what I found. It is why the qua-
lity of them are not the best. Because I AM NOT the best user of scanner...
But talking about the stone wall around the garden then it is made from 2 different wall and between them is planted some evergreen trees and some
plants what doesn't need so much water. But during hot and dry summer is still needed to water them. And between there is some circles... I may do them from some big pipe or something. The concret circle there is made form some cogwheel of firemen's car. But it looks like some Japan's Feng Shui thing :p 
And the little pool in the garden is not real pool. It is just a hollow or indent for barbeque. The garden is too treeless and flat and the place is for defence of wind. Lovely.. isn't it? Well, you know, you are always welcome at my home. :) Always... And I do mean it.
Forget the house! It has no place in my dream. My house will be blue with pink hearts like it has always been. But watch the fence and the garden at all! Yes, that kind of garden and fence will be once mine. 
I don't know yet when but it will be. Only problem is that then I have to marry with rich englishman because I will move to live there soon and the land there is REALLY expencive. As I told the pictures
are from a journal what I found. It is why the qua-lity of them are not the best. Because I AM NOT the best user of scanner...
But talking about the stone wall around the garden then it is made from 2 different wall and between them is planted some evergreen trees and some
plants what doesn't need so much water. But during hot and dry summer is still needed to water them. And between there is some circles... I may do them from some big pipe or something. The concret circle there is made form some cogwheel of firemen's car. But it looks like some Japan's Feng Shui thing :p 
And the little pool in the garden is not real pool. It is just a hollow or indent for barbeque. The garden is too treeless and flat and the place is for defence of wind. Lovely.. isn't it? Well, you know, you are always welcome at my home. :) Always... And I do mean it.
Saturday, May 3, 2008
The Mirakles
I wanted to talk about that...
I just wanted to say that the life is flower! The misunderstanding with my friend got clear and I feel free again. The fobias are gone and my friend is still my friend. I am his very special friend who "got under his skin"! What ever it means then. Remainds me the Mummy movie where the scary bugs were also getting under the skin... first.
And then moved there around when poor victim was screaming and doing faces. Great! I am under Dreamer's skin and crawling around there and he can scream! Mwhahhaahahahahaaaa!
Well, actually it is a mirakle I found him again. I never thought is it possible some day again. He keeps me in balance. When before I was the dreamer and my partner kept me tied on the earth then now I can practice to be the cold calculating part in our friendship when I can stick pins into Dreamer's dreams. Hmm... I have to learn it. But all new skills are good.
The mirakle.... What means it at all? In crosswords are usually told doesn't happen ususally. Probably is it the shortest description for the mirakle. Nowdays people use it more when happens something POSITIVE and rare thing. Like youth getting up in a bus for offering the seat some older. But is it actualy a mirakle? About 300 years ago was a Rainbow as miracle. Rain and solar eclipse were mirakles. But now we have explanation for all of that. If you take a laptop and put it back 300 years... It could be a mirakle then. Or rather something from hell and owner of it could be witch and burn, burn, burn... But now the science is improved enough that there is more than one laptop in every family. Maybe the things we call
as mirakles now will be not that in 50 years. I can't remeber any phenomenon at the moment what is not explained yet but...
Are things what Jesus did mirakels? Well, definatelly they are mirakles for our limited brains. There will be more than just our 3 dimensions in the world. We just don't know them yet. But if we once will learn those we may callm waters and winds as well. We could heal and awake death because we do understand those things and know how they work. Actually I do believe it is possible even now with God's help but we just don't have enough faith in it.
And Jesus said unto them, Because of your unbelief: for verily I say unto you, If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you. (Matthew 17:20)
And the Lord said, If ye had faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye might say unto this sycamine tree, Be thou plucked up by the root, and be thou planted in the sea; and it should obey you. (Luke 17:6)
I just wanted to say that the life is flower! The misunderstanding with my friend got clear and I feel free again. The fobias are gone and my friend is still my friend. I am his very special friend who "got under his skin"! What ever it means then. Remainds me the Mummy movie where the scary bugs were also getting under the skin... first.
And then moved there around when poor victim was screaming and doing faces. Great! I am under Dreamer's skin and crawling around there and he can scream! Mwhahhaahahahahaaaa! Well, actually it is a mirakle I found him again. I never thought is it possible some day again. He keeps me in balance. When before I was the dreamer and my partner kept me tied on the earth then now I can practice to be the cold calculating part in our friendship when I can stick pins into Dreamer's dreams. Hmm... I have to learn it. But all new skills are good.
The mirakle.... What means it at all? In crosswords are usually told doesn't happen ususally. Probably is it the shortest description for the mirakle. Nowdays people use it more when happens something POSITIVE and rare thing. Like youth getting up in a bus for offering the seat some older. But is it actualy a mirakle? About 300 years ago was a Rainbow as miracle. Rain and solar eclipse were mirakles. But now we have explanation for all of that. If you take a laptop and put it back 300 years... It could be a mirakle then. Or rather something from hell and owner of it could be witch and burn, burn, burn... But now the science is improved enough that there is more than one laptop in every family. Maybe the things we call
as mirakles now will be not that in 50 years. I can't remeber any phenomenon at the moment what is not explained yet but...Are things what Jesus did mirakels? Well, definatelly they are mirakles for our limited brains. There will be more than just our 3 dimensions in the world. We just don't know them yet. But if we once will learn those we may callm waters and winds as well. We could heal and awake death because we do understand those things and know how they work. Actually I do believe it is possible even now with God's help but we just don't have enough faith in it.
And Jesus said unto them, Because of your unbelief: for verily I say unto you, If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you. (Matthew 17:20)
And the Lord said, If ye had faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye might say unto this sycamine tree, Be thou plucked up by the root, and be thou planted in the sea; and it should obey you. (Luke 17:6)
Hidden pain
It is just amazing. I woke up today because I saw not very good dream. I saw my frog in my dream with someone else and he told me there something really stupid. We were talking in my dream through MSN and had quit fun chat like we always did and then suddenly he told something like „Oh and Liesli did... I can’t say that!“ with one line. I wanted to bunch into his hairy face. It was so nasty to tell things like that through the MSN when you could just delete it all when you realized you can’t say it. It was chaildish way to hurt me on purpose. And then I woke up because of anger. I was ready to jump out from bed and wrote a nasty email to say how much I do hate him and what kind of ass he is. And suddenly the knowledge about my feelings hit me into my face. I didn’t hate him. I was just angry and wished to hurt him as much he did hurt me (in my dream). Most of all I did realize that it was even more stupid to be angry. Humans have ability remember just bad things. But there has been so many good things to remember! So it is just amazing why we keep dear the bad ones only. Maybe we do that because they hurt more and the pain just leaves deeper marks into you than being happy. I don’t like it. I don’t want to woke up because of anger.
I have healed well. I don’t think on him anymore. I don’t wait for his letters. I am
not checking has he been online lately. If I wouldn’t have that dream today I could say I was forgotten him. He was just an stage in my life. The time with him was productive and changed me a lot into good direction. Although I was sad it got over I am happy as well if it sounds alright. I was sad because I realized the love I felt for him was that kind of love you experianced once in your life if you ever have change to experiance it at all. It is hard to think that you have missed the love and you never have changes to live till death with it. But the good thing is that the person I am now has so many things to offer to the world what I never would do together him.
Just one wound from him is still in me. He broke my trust against everyone. I trusted him so deeply I never expected that kind of betrying. I never believed he will do that to me. I have thousand of letters where he talked about honesty. I remember hundred talks where he was talking or shouting at me about what means to be honest. Meters and meters log files about what means being honest for him and how he lives by that. And suddenly that kind of lie from him... I was sitting one day and thinking that yeah, I am able to trust again. Till I was asking from myself what if he is like my frog? So may I trust him still?
So I am sick... I am sick and broken. And I am not sure is the time able to fix those things in me.
Hmm.. but not about that I wanted to talk...
I have healed well. I don’t think on him anymore. I don’t wait for his letters. I am
not checking has he been online lately. If I wouldn’t have that dream today I could say I was forgotten him. He was just an stage in my life. The time with him was productive and changed me a lot into good direction. Although I was sad it got over I am happy as well if it sounds alright. I was sad because I realized the love I felt for him was that kind of love you experianced once in your life if you ever have change to experiance it at all. It is hard to think that you have missed the love and you never have changes to live till death with it. But the good thing is that the person I am now has so many things to offer to the world what I never would do together him.Just one wound from him is still in me. He broke my trust against everyone. I trusted him so deeply I never expected that kind of betrying. I never believed he will do that to me. I have thousand of letters where he talked about honesty. I remember hundred talks where he was talking or shouting at me about what means to be honest. Meters and meters log files about what means being honest for him and how he lives by that. And suddenly that kind of lie from him... I was sitting one day and thinking that yeah, I am able to trust again. Till I was asking from myself what if he is like my frog? So may I trust him still?
So I am sick... I am sick and broken. And I am not sure is the time able to fix those things in me.
Hmm.. but not about that I wanted to talk...
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