Hidden pain

It is just amazing. I woke up today because I saw not very good dream. I saw my frog in my dream with someone else and he told me there something really stupid. We were talking in my dream through MSN and had quit fun chat like we always did and then suddenly he told something like „Oh and Liesli did... I can’t say that!“ with one line. I wanted to bunch into his hairy face. It was so nasty to tell things like that through the MSN when you could just delete it all when you realized you can’t say it. It was chaildish way to hurt me on purpose. And then I woke up because of anger. I was ready to jump out from bed and wrote a nasty email to say how much I do hate him and what kind of ass he is. And suddenly the knowledge about my feelings hit me into my face. I didn’t hate him. I was just angry and wished to hurt him as much he did hurt me (in my dream). Most of all I did realize that it was even more stupid to be angry. Humans have ability remember just bad things. But there has been so many good things to remember! So it is just amazing why we keep dear the bad ones only. Maybe we do that because they hurt more and the pain just leaves deeper marks into you than being happy. I don’t like it. I don’t want to woke up because of anger.

I have healed well. I don’t think on him anymore. I don’t wait for his letters. I am not checking has he been online lately. If I wouldn’t have that dream today I could say I was forgotten him. He was just an stage in my life. The time with him was productive and changed me a lot into good direction. Although I was sad it got over I am happy as well if it sounds alright. I was sad because I realized the love I felt for him was that kind of love you experianced once in your life if you ever have change to experiance it at all. It is hard to think that you have missed the love and you never have changes to live till death with it. But the good thing is that the person I am now has so many things to offer to the world what I never would do together him.

Just one wound from him is still in me. He broke my trust against everyone. I trusted him so deeply I never expected that kind of betrying. I never believed he will do that to me. I have thousand of letters where he talked about honesty. I remember hundred talks where he was talking or shouting at me about what means to be honest. Meters and meters log files about what means being honest for him and how he lives by that. And suddenly that kind of lie from him... I was sitting one day and thinking that yeah, I am able to trust again. Till I was asking from myself what if he is like my frog? So may I trust him still?

So I am sick... I am sick and broken. And I am not sure is the time able to fix those things in me.

Hmm.. but not about that I wanted to talk...