About Margo

He is a guy I call as my friend. I don't know why but I really keep dear him. He is and gentle man under his hard and cold core what says that "life is a flower" without believing it.

LOL... I am going to marry :)

That was a joke of course. But still... if I would say "I will" then I would be married in a months already. Just a funny how easy is life for black men. I love you and will marry you just now. Will love you rest of my life and will make you happy.

Will make me happy? ;) Who said I am not happy already now? Or who says that happiness is my aim of life? Lol... just lovely how blue eyed can be an man with so lovely brown eyes. He is really sweet indeed. If I would have more experiance with him than just half hour of MSN typing with cams then I would marry with him. If he would be just with right personality... I feel how my heart is beating stronger than I like it does. No time for getting involved any afairs.. Especially when it is so suspicious... Oh dear, I need a hug! MARGOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

*Ring! Ring!*

Me and my "what should I do list"

There was a time when I had another blog and there are some writtings of my happiest times and some from the most painful time. There I let my frog to do his wishlist and I had to do my own after that. But my wishes got over too quick after that and I never made my own wish list but I made my own "what should I do list" just to hold myself alive. Some of my "should" were a bit tied up my wishes too so I can count it as my half-wishes list. I don't know how is he doing with his wishes but I was checking over my lists (I made 2 of them - one before "big badda-boom" and one after that crash.)

WOW! :) I am so real! Or my wishes are so real. I have done so many of what I listed there. I am proud of myself! (Althouhg not very because there will come sin from pride ;)).

"What should I do"-list vol 1

* make a list what I do want
* make a list about what Derek wants - DONE
* start translating stuff - DONE!
* go and techange my driving licence - DONE
* go and renew my passport - DONE (made just ID card because I didn't want to make passport before I had to marry. I need to make a new wishlist where I have to make a passport as well or i wount get over border. Oh dear! I really have to do that! Or there will be no Mosambique! :p)
* Bring my doc-s into a collage - DONE and in

"What I should do" list vol 2

* Find a friend!! - DONE!!
* Articel about a book I read. - DONE!
* Studings! - still DOING!
* Talking with my boss about advising smokers! - I never will I guess...
* Bicycle! - DONE!
* Sport club! With my new friend!! - Umm...
* The column in MA and editing it... DONE! and finished :)
* Finish dutch course! I think... DONE!
* Africa.. I need to weigh it in my mind and I have time about 4 years for that. - Amazing how life is doing. Now when I have no real matter to go there are most of my doings tied with Africa... It shows me how much power have our wishes. They wont come true when you want them because it just takes time but they will come true one day. It's why we have to be really careful with what we are wishing...)

Life is so busy that I fall to sleep on half word :) I can't even remember what did I want to say with my last post. Probably it was about how I did get my first baby girl in birth house. It was really great. The birth giver was lovely woman and the midwife Aili who was assisting me was just wonderful person as well. The baby girl born quickly and with no harm to mom. Totally unblooded labour. Lovely :)

But not the story was the thing I wanted to talk today. Actually I was one day thinking on writting down my biggest lovestory for my posterity could read about me and my thoughts and feelings. Sad that my granny never had possibility to put down her life... Well, at least I just thought about it. I don't know where should I take the time for that. I cant postpone everything into the time when my studings are over. But still odd that I got email from frog as well where he told he found some files with our past... Funny coincidence but nothing so rare. I have thoughts, he has files. Should I ask those files from him? Well.. actually I am not very much intrested about them. Not yet at least. Maybe one day I will. Hopefully it is not very late for that then. Just now I am just thinking to put down my memories about the time.

I don't have anyway all logfiles since latest years in our relationship we were talking. And no logfiles from that. Mostly I remember from the time that he was often upset with me and I was shouted at. Funny in it is that I don't remember any reason why I got shouted at :) I just remember that I was crying and he was explying strongly how some things should be. Did I understand him even then? Ha haa. I often think why didn't I tell to him to repeat what did he tell but probably it was because I didn't want to get all that lecture repeated again.

Nah, it wasn't so bad. He had always point in his lectures. Sometimes they were very selfish but he was able to make me feel alwas guilty as well. Everyone could make me feel guilty on thouse times :) It is sad i don't have those logs. It would be intresting to hear what did he want to say to me then. Yeah, it makes sigh. Oh man, how did I love that guy! The guy who looks very similar to Seth Green. Short, redhead and ... well, Green looks quite sexy actually :P Or maybe I just think now watching back on my feelings that my love was big? It happens often that we start idealize later what we had. But better to idealize than feel the dissapointment what could often happen when you start over. I still hope that it wasn't my biggest love. I hope to fall in love with the most greatest man one day and make him feel most loved. I know that I am ready for that now. With pain and with knowings what means to love. I don't have to study the feeling anymore. I know now what I have to do. And it will be always my silent prayer that I would find someone who would be same much ready to share love as I am, same much ready for the future where will be several adventures in. I know that :) When I watch back on my life then I there is things I would do other way as I did but I never can say my life have been booring. Huh, it could be poorer in some things but... all I have doen have made me person I am now. And I am better person as I was :) Yep, I can say that without proud in me, I am better. Not the best one! Oh, now. I never will get close to be the best one but only that I don't depreciate myself so much as I did. I have learned to love myself and with that to honour people's love for me :)

Anyway... I have thoughts. Will they come true will depend on me :)

My first baby

Today we had an intermediante

Christmas weather 2 weeks before the day

It was nice weekend with walking in snow. But couple nights with lack of sleep and last night without no sleep at all has done its work well. I am deadly tired and feel a bit sad I can't put it down now what happened and how did I feel or thought. Anbd as the history have showed even if I want I never will add later anything.

But that later is now here :) Couple weekends later but still. Meantime we have had a weekend with just Madis too. He is sweet. Fine friend :)

The weekend before the last one was sweet. I saw Margo and Madis at the time. we met at Kadri's place and stayed up during the night. I saw them getting a bit drunk. Nondrinker's vantage is the way to see how your friend get drunk and hard to say but it is fun too ;) But I think still that it is really boring to get drunk. You don't see others then anymore but you are just consendrated on yourself. But I am still lucky. My friends know my christianic views and they have accepted them.

Madis did try last weekend to make me to drink some alcohol with a lie but happily Kadri did told me before that I should not do that. I was watching Madis and asked could he really let me drink it and he was doubtful. I think he could. It was a bit dissapointing because friends don't do that. But we are not perfect anyone. I did talk with him about that and I think that he did understand what I meant. I really hope that something did change in hid life. He is really sweet boy and once he will be probably really nice person. He promised me today that when I will move away from Estonia then we still have Skype. Although we don't use it often after his wife moved home back. Because she just don't believe that we are just friends :) We are Madise's "whales" as she said :)

I could die for beauty like I saw...

I was invited to Rakvere yesterday by Madis. He told that his and Margo's business has 3rd birthday and they just will plan simple sitting together. I was invited :) And I was allowed to take a friend with so I called Kadri. She was just there and she is fun. We left from Tartu about at 2PM on Satturday afternoon and weather was great. It had to be an one and half hour long way to Rakvere so we prepeared for that trip. We took with our own duvets and pillows. Sadly we didn't get mattress but we both were agree that one day on the floor is survivable.

The invite told about the plans of the evening that we will watch a horror movie and then we will go to walk into craveyard. Hmm... should we count it as something romantic? :)

What more futher on that more the eart went whiter. There was some snow in Tartu as well but what more closer to Rakvere we realized that we were not seen the snow this year yet... The nature was just amazing. Although it all seemed black-white-grey it was so powerful emotion what it gave. The killing beauty. Cold and sparkling. The trees every branch was covered with white puffy cold flour like frame for black wood. And then suddenly was there black stripe on the white feeld and a bit later we saw lights and recpgnized a tractor behind the lights who was ploughing the feeld! We watched at eachother and bursted to laugh. That kind of interruption in that beauty was just totally funny. The poor guy didn't expect the snow so early and he was so late with his works. But well... better later than never.

We were drive already 2 hours when we got to Järva-Jaani and realized that we were lost. Rakvere is quite large place so we thought there had to be some signs to point on Rakvere but we couldn't see any. In Järva-Jaani we didn't know what side we should go on so I took the phone and called to Madis-boy. He were asking over where we were. He was asking from Margo how do lead us on the right road. I asked him to give the phone to Margo to avoid misunderstandings and he asked us to find a way to a place what name I can't remember at the moment. No signs of course. But we asked from an middle age lady how do we get there and voila we got on the road again. When we got on the place Margo leaded us we called back. He gave us some more directions to go on till the crossroad where is sign what points to Rakvere and then just turn away there.

We got on T-crossroad and of course, no signs. But we decided to ask from girls standing on the crossroad and they asked us to take on. They knew the direction where Rakvere stayed so that was cool. Wew took them with and let them out on the roundebound before Rakvere. They were going to Tallinn. There was lots of snow on the roads and snowing more. Brave girls... But in the same they excited me! I have most of my life hitchhiked and I love to trip like that. Kadri didn't. But that's fine. People are different.

Finally Rakvere. We drove in and the road splitted. Jee... where now? We took the direction to the centrum. Oh dear how beautiful it all were. The snow, snow, snow... Everywhere! And really alot! I wanted to make pictures but it was already dark and my camera is not very good in circumstances like that. We decided to take pictures next day.

After we called to Madis again he directed us fine enough to his appartment. We parked the car and took some of our stuff. My new laptop and cake and our handbags. The sleeping stuff stayed into car this moment. We were there! The last ones who arrived but still there. Margo was with his life mate Anu. I were seen her picture before and now I saw her face to face. Why Margo was cheating her with others I just didn't understand... And then were Õnne there. The womean who I had hear so much from Madis. His older friend :) Oh and Madis himself of course. Mostly we were there because we wanted to give company to him during his hard time with his wife who just moved to live to her parents again and told to Madis she doesn't know what she feels for him. Well, at least we got to know a day ago that she still feels jealous for him :)

After getting to know people we didn't know whe started watching the movie called "The Risen". Passed 5...10...15... minutes and I lost hope it is going to be better as it was. I couldn't understand the story line. And I couldn't find anything scary as well... Finally in the middle somewhere was teh scene when the women in mine roll was watching into the mirror and for a moment there plinked her face as pale dead women with inside out eyes... The roaring laugh what breaked out from our throats. It was just so comish that after so long and boring half movie was the scariest place there just a reflection on mirror what lasted fraction of a second. That was sign for us that the we were finished with the movie... We watched the end quickly to understand the storyline. Discussion was just one - we were really amazed how was it possible to make a full time movie from something what could last max 5 minutes.

The next thing in our agenda was the walk in craveyard... or just walking around in Rakvere :) That was much better. Although I was ill and my wasn't smart enough in chosing my clothes I took part of it. Oh that was so amazing walk. Oh dear how much I missed to share it with someone very special! I really did... Good that Kadri was there. We coudl admire the snow on the branches and on the bushes and on the trees. We could gasp the beauty of the snowed parks and gardens inside us together. We could stand and stare the dark sky and the white brancehs reaching into them. It was so beautiful that it did hurt. I am so sorry i didn't made very much pictures because probably I wont see something so powerful long time again...

Margo throwed some snowballs toward me. :) I throwed some back... we climbed on kids playing place on some climbing frame made of ropes. And then we returned home. It was over midnight. I was wet and frozen. I wrapped myself into blanket and had tea. Most of them did it. They had some rum to drink and we were just talking. Everyone was prepearing to go to bed when Madis wanted to go to walk again. Only Õnne went with him... :) I asked a pack of playcards and I asked does someone plays with me "potiknoi" (a card came). And that the game would have some adrenalin in it then the loser had to wash the kichen floor. I lost the first game and I did wash the floor. Kadr lost the next game and washed the coridore. Because of late hour we didn't want to start vacuum the carpets so I teached some otehr games to them. First we played the lying. Exciting game :) As it was also Jüri and Mari. The last one was a bit noisy because you had to call Jüri or Mari in pursuance of a jack or a queen. And of course the laughings when player saluted or hitted wrong cards.

It was about 4 am when we decided to get bed. Madis and Õnne was not back yet. We were sleeping on the same room. I had no sleep so I asked Kadri to tell me a fairytale. She picked a story about The Bun who escaped from everyone. I could not comment about the way how the bunn "pani pakku" for everyone. The estonian expression has ambiguous meaning beside "turn tail" and what could mean as well sexual intercourse with a butt block... Finally we tried to think out who did not "turn tail" then at all... Snowwhite did... Cindirella did as well... The Little Red Hat (?) did as well...

We woke at 10 on the morning because Kadri phone was ringing... There was snowstorm outsiden and I did realized we never go back to walk that I could take some pictures in daylight... Madis came with us. The road was really bad. Mostly we could see till 10-15 meters but there was momentst we barely could see in 3 meteres... We drove with 40 km/hour and it was quite funny till we met another car...

There I go...

I am here and I am anxious ;)

It just confirms the fact that diary type of blogs and other posts are just for time when you are sad or hutring. Or just a bit out. Ańd today it is me.

Already several months I am doing very well. Sometimes I catch myself on the thought that maybe I have just tried to find comfort from the things under what I have burried myself but no. I am enjoying myself every moment till today :)
Well... I do enjoy myself today too. Just the song I found... I have listened it over and over. And even there was no meaning for me in the message itself then the tune cought me first and with every new circle the words are buring deeper inside my soul and I am looking where should I fit the melody and words. And I can't stop it. I have standed middle of the room and sang the song with over and over again. It just wraps me in. Deep sorrow is in my soul.

In this place I just took right for myself to translate the words of the song...

I hold your hands, my darling
When your mood is sad and grey
Inside my given woolen scarf
Doesn’t feel the winter so cold
I pick you up when you fall
and won’t get up alone
I don’t care that there are snowdrifts outside
you will find warmth near of me
But have you thought or felt what will happen
When there is no me anymore?
When I will withdraw, when there is no me for you.

Maybe you think I will be forever
Like sea or indigenous greenwood
Or sky what is above our heads
When a drop of dew steams on the ground.
But sometimes I hurt as well, when I have to hide tears of mine
I know that you easily don’t abide the backround of my sorrows
Do you know how fragile is floss?
What ties me with you or life
And I leave for ever from here
Some feeling of cognitio takes me.
Have you thought or felt then what will happen when there is no me anymore?
When I will withdraw inside me? When you dont have me anymore.
When there is no me anymore, no me to you.
When there is no me anymore? No me for you.

It was really beautiful day. The morning was cold but very bright. Golden fall. The maple tree under my window is gorgeous red. I got out ealier than usual. Just wanted to enjoy that wonderful morning on bicycle. I was biking trough centrum of Tartu. It was not very crowded. My fingers felt painful cold when I was biking trogh park on near the river there. It remainded me the pain leading course last weak when we had to hold icecube in our fist and breath the pain away to get any clue what is childbirth pain. I started automatically breath like a parturient in pain to lead my pain off from my fingers. It worked. But it was probably quit funny for ppl because they turned their heads. That kind of breathing catches attention ideed.

Anyway, morning was nice till I fell with bicycle. It didn't hurt so much me but my bicycle. It works still but is somehow wrong... I have to go to service when I have time. If I will have it at all... I feel now that my left hand is sore and also my right tight. My right elbrow lost skin as well... But I am alive. And that's all what matters. I am very alive and doing emotionally well. Physically I am tired like hell :) And second night in row at work... If I will survive this week then I will survive always. Test tomorrow and prelinary examination tomorrow...

I will survive because I have God watching over me :)

I am pretty!!

I do feel as pretty too! :D I know it is important but for me it is important that others around me noticed that too :) I was sneaking to the morning worshiping a bit later and stand behind in last line when Kaarin stepped to me and told me "You look so beautiful today!" And I am not very close with her at all. I even barely talk with her! So I did blush I guess and mumbled some thanking words just. Later after worship I was downstairs again and waiting for Jakob when Joosep was passing from me and started conversation about a topic what popped up on the morning. And after that before he left he told me that I look really great today!!! But there were more people who were saying that. I even can't remember all of them. Helin told "You have changed somehow... Did you dye your hair? No... Are they longer? No... What happened with you? Haven't I seen you really so long that you have changed so much? You are really pretty. Are you in love?" Hahahaaa! Am I? ;)

I AM PRETTY!!!!!! And whole world has to hear it!!! :D

I have caught cold. I have sneezed all day. I hope to God to not stay ill. Although deep in me is little wish still to stay in bed for a day or two... Nah, I have no time for that. I have even no time to sit down and put down all good thoughts I have had or got. I do remember moments when I have thought: "Oh that's good idea. I need to remember it. I need to write it down later!" But I never remember later what was the good idea. Odd. I should get a notebook for cases like that to not forget. Next time I will forget my name as well... But time is flying indeed. So quickly that it scares me. It was just last Sunday when I felt really crappy and was crying and doing circus with letters to the Frog. It just makes me sick today when I think on it. I have been ridiculous. But I don't suffer much about that :). I have understood that even as a christian I have right for feelings. And I do have feelings. :) That's true I do miss the Frog but I have understood that he has nothing to offer me anymore. I had idealised him and he became as some mythic hero who I did love. But he is just a man. Like Mel Gibson. Oh, I do like Mel still!!! A LOT!! But he has lost his power over me :). Because even him is just a man...

I do know the Frog's life is not easy just now and I really would like to support him or give some hope. God sees I have tried that too. But there will be always an invisible wall between us "what does he think about me when I do that" from my side and "what does she wait from me again" from his side. And the wall will be there what ever how innocent and from heart coming are acts or words. So all I am going to do is praying for him. If he needs my help he can always ask. Is giving help acceptable for me or not depends on the reques of help itself. I feel somehow too free. It is a bit sad feeling. Like something is missing in me. Like feeling guilty... Odd. I feel guilty that I am not unhappy. That's really odd...

Feeling guilty is an intresting topic anyway. We were talking about it yesterday at women's evening after evening worship. People feel guilty for wrong things. When they should feel guilty they look for someone else to blame and when they should not feel guilty they are doing that. I am supper feeling guilty for wrong things! I felt guilty when I told to Anne that I am not continueing as Sabbath school teacher anymore because I have no time for that. I felt guilty because I knew it meant for her she has to start finding new teacher and it takes time and lots of efforts from her. But come on! It IS her job! Why I had to feel guilty for that? Find a cat now :). Well, I don't feel guilty anymore. She haven't found anyone yet but still.. my understandings have changed.

I am changed a lot actually. My time is filled up with thousand things and I am really amazed in God's grace that He have been with me and haven't let me to fall. I love Him for that and all my plans for future have aimed to Him. And that knowing fills me with happy-happy feelings. I just watch back in my life and see a person there who was laughing at persons like me now. I never believed that you can love God so much that your attention for other things on the Earth have gone. It is possible :). And yes, I am happy :). Happy and full of peace. There my be moments for sorrow and tears but they never rule me again.

My biggest fear at moment is that time flies. Oh heaven sake how quickly!! I hope that when I will be old I still remember something from my life! On this speed it passes too quickly :) I need wisdom from God to live my life without big mistakes. I keep doing them when I am in hurry... :)

Words into air....

It was good week. Busy and productive and a bit retrospective and even hurtful.

Weekdays:
The week started really densely. I was working 24h on Sunday. The shift ended on Monday morning when I rushed at med college to have my lessons there. They had to last till 5 PM. And I had to be at 3 PM in other college. I think the distance between those colleges is about 5 km. It takes about 15 minutes with quick ride there. Happily I let fix my breaks as well last week so I could crank till my calf were in cramp. I did stay a bit late but I made it still. I got there when everyone was talking and I had to sneak in and sit near to the door in very bad position. But I still made it! In the end of that opening told pastor Bob that there will come 3 classes - 0, 5 and 10 points classes. Everyone had to decide where they do belong and stay with the teachers who were running the class then. Although my exam gave me just 62 points and it made just 6.2, I still decided to join with 10 points class :). Since it was just discussion glass and I got for verbal part 19 points from 20 (it would be then 9.5 from 10) I thought I have right to be there. And I did like pastor Bob as well :).

This day I could not stay till end of it because I had to be back at work at 7 PM and the course ended at 7 PM as well. So I rushed away before it. Happily I have bicycle. The best thing I ever have decided to get for myself. I just would not have money for gas to drive with car. I am really short of it now :). But that is finally a thing about what I don’t complain!

Actually I am doing well with that complaining part. One day I just realized I do not complain at all. Oh yes, I do want but I am not a whiner. It was really big relief. And it has made me more confident and happy. I have worried myself sick about I am such a complainer and now… buff! And I am not one of them! How did I come on that? Well, one day I had my college friend at my place. We had to study but 2 women together… we were just talking about men. And then I told I am such and whiner and she started laugh and told she has always admired me that I never complain. That she has never ever heard me complaining! Then she told me that she is complaining and it was my turn to laugh and tell to her she never does it because it was so true. And then suddenly I did realize that whatever I am but I am not and complainer. And next day said another college mate to me that she admire me and that how I can do so much without any complains! Thank you God, that you let me to hear that all and realize that my only complains were complains over me complaining all the time :). After that told Martin to me that I am really great person and then I got couple emails from some pretty handsome guy who told me I am really pretty and they never believe I am single and they would like to get me to know more! Bah!! I have never felt myself better than during last and this week! (I never answered to emails of course because I never answer on that kind of flatters. And although I am single I prefer friends in IRL and IRC. From first place because they already know me. And from other place because they do not know me and don’t start to talk with me because of the pictures they have seen on Facebook or MySpace. I am picky :).) But all of that have done good for me. It has lifted up me being self-confident. I can breath freely now.

Continues!

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Thursday:
I had some lessons on the morning and then I had about 1.5 hours spare time so I did bike at home. Tomorrow had to be my last time to see my americans. Pastor Bob got really close for my heart and soul. I really longed to give something to him to show how much I appreciate his presence in my life. I had couple things in my cupboard what had really important meaning for me. But I needed to get rid off them...

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Friday:
During the day I was at work. 12 hours. It means I had to be till 7 PM. I hoped that I can go away half past 4 when I am finished. We have always let others away about this time when everything is done. No point to keep them there. And it is nice to get away earlier yourself as well. But today that other care giver was a bit upset. I don’t know why. But it was already half past 4 when she was not still gave any note to me I can leave. At 5 I told that I am leaving now and she told that I have today 12 hours with tone what said greatly that she wanted to keep me there longer. I felt how my eyebrows frown up and I was thinking that I will see that next time when she wants to leave earlier as well. But I smiled at her and told I know. She told after that it is up on me and she is not going to keep me there. I did left.

I just flied away. It was last day I saw Bob and others. And I had gifts for him. I got at college, lock my bicycle and ran to my class room. It was empty. Empty!? Under my heart went all cold. Ah but there he was then. All alone in “watering hole” – in the room we had some refreshments between studies. He hugged me and we started our lesson. Tiiu were in other group to translate because Annaliisa was late. First of all I gave my gifts to pastor Bob. I loved to do that when we were alone. It was more personal and I wanted to show to him how much I care of what he had given to me. I do thank you God, in it. He was the man I needed into my life to point out my wrongs there.

He was really excited about gifts. Or it is just a way for Americans to show out they are. He was showing to everyone what he got and we made several pictures. Hopefully I will get one day those photos and can update the blog. After the excited gift sharing part we read the Bible. We read the story about Amnon and Tamar. Really sad story in the Bible. All the lesson ended up me talking about my life and what do I think is going on there. I started from time I came back to church, how I got a job and went to college, how my heart got broken up and how I went into other college as well. What plans I have with my life and how I am not able to read God’s will in my life. He told me that if God haven’t close my ways then I have went right. He told lots of good things what did console me and after all he told me I am great and lovely person. … even if I hide my real feelings behind laugh :).

Then it was all over. Last song, last prayer, hugs and I had to run because I was already late to my church mission board meeting. I got there half past 7 PM. There were 3 of us – Toomas as leader of mission apartment, pastor Rein and me. We made couple of decision and one of them was to get together again next Friday to continue discussing about some of the decisions we made. It was half past over 10 PM I got home on this good and a bit sad day. But the Sabbath was almost there. The day I was waited for so long already. Great sleep and rest what I needed.

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Sabbath:
It was Sabbath yesterday. I really waited for the day. I had have really busy week behind and I was tired. I waited the Sabbath morning because I knew I can sleep till at 8 AM. But it was still too early for me because I got bed at 2 am. I was taking part in a channel op’s meeting as a guest. They had there and hearing for some ops who had abused their power on an another op and he was upset. So since I was asked to take part of it I did it gladly to please the owner of the channel since he is my friend. His name is Martin. He is really special person with his sad story of life. He I really smart. I call him as genie (not from a gin but genius ;)). He calls himself as a geek. Well, maybe he is. If we call as geek people who are with very high IQ, shy and alone still when they are 36. It is why IRC is really good. You let every kind of people become as your friends and later you really don’t care how they look like. Although everyone (included me) is talking about that what counts is person inside you than outlook you have we still do our decisions first about what we see. I like genie a lot. Although he is too smart for me and things what excite him is often too complicate and boring for me, he is still really great person. If I would not know he is not and christian I would count him as deeply religious because of the views he has. He is a looking outside person. It means he is unselfish and peaceful person. He have made me feel good as well and things what he has told have gave me idea that I am not such a bad person at all.

[13:16:27] LadyScapy: unbelievable how sad I feel today :P
[13:16:30] LadyScapy: eewww
[13:16:34] LadyScapy: it hurts :P
[13:29:52] EG: awww
[13:29:55] * EG hugs LadyScapy
[13:30:06] * EG doesnt want LadyScapy to ever feel sad :)

Part of a letter he sent me and others yesterday about that op’s hearing made me smile. He just quoted me:
’LadyScapy in my opinion put it beautifully -- "Remember that words are like birds. When you free them... it is impossible to catch them again. So.... husssss!"’

I can say openly that yes, I do like attention. But I have to confess that I like that attention even more because it is not cause of flirts or playing around. He makes me feel really warm inside and I am really sorry we are too different to become more than friends. His inside is really nice.

Well, but whatever happened early on this morning, I got up and dressed and were at 9 am in the first Bible study class. I have decided to attend every Sabbath in both lessons. At 9 and at 10. And if it reminds to me then I do watch it on laptop at 2 PM from Hope Channel as well in Internet. So I did on this fine day. Since I have ran totally out of money I made revision in my veggies to see what I can cook for today. I found some carrots, potatoes, turnips and a kohlrabi. I loaded up Hope Channel and turned it quit loud to hear it into the kitchen. So I was there… peeling and cutting veggies into pieces when I got phone call. Wow! Margo! It was always lovely to hear his voice. He called couple days ago but I could not answer quickly enough and had to call back. He never answered for the call or did not call back again. Now he was on the phone and he was in Tartu. He was asking how am I and told that maybe he has time later meet me. Yay!!! He was coming! Maybe… In 5 minutes later he called and said he has a bit time so he is coming now. The client he had to meet, could not do the appointment on the time. It got postponed and he came at me. Well, he was near of me anyway. He was in the hotel Dorpat near of bus station. And it is about a minute away. It was really nice to hug him again. We sat down and was talking till he got up. We were still talking when he was on the door and he told me that maybe he will be back later to see me. I was waiting for him.

I was in church when he called again. It was half past 6 pm. I told to Jakob I am going home and that he would come later home as well and ran home. The church is also about a minute to walk away at my place. He was waiting me in front of the house. I was happy to see him. He makes me always feel really comfy and happy. We laugh a lot and we have our jokes what only we do understand. I had possibility to tell him about how I am doing and I poured out all my grumpiness on him. Well, trough laugh of course. But it is only way I really can do that anyway. I told to him that I miss really a lot that someone would cuddle me when I complain about my life and he laughed but then cuddled me. He put my head on his lap and was stroking my hair during I was talking and listening him. And then he had to leave again. Thank you, God, for a friend like Margo. Thank you a lot.

************************

Sunday:
Today, on Sunday, I am feeling kinda away. I feel sad and alone and I can't stop tears running down from my cheeks. I know it is needed to feel even sorrow but I wouldn't want to feel it today when I am at work. I have to learn to deal with my feelings. But that's probably question of being alone. You have feelings you can't share with no-one because you are just alone. The feelings what you really need to share but no-one who would listen them so you have to just write them into air. But does it help?

My heart wants to explode. Love is powerful feeling. I am not able to kill it inside me. I was looking songs from my old emails what my frog sent to me years ago and there were letters from my happy time with him. I didn't read any of them but seeing the titles was painful enough. I did felt really deep sadness in me because of him. All the feelings I want to share with him, all the event's what is happened in my life - all what I want to share with him and I can't... It is really depressing. I actually know that he would say to me that I can tell to him everything but I am pretty sure he knows himself as well it is nonsense. You can't share yourself with someone who does not care about you. Does not care you enough to wish listen me with interest and compassion. For sharing you need closeness, not that someone listens you because it seems to be something what is needed to do. And that hurts so much there is no closeness between us anymore. So there I am. Writing my special feelings into air. The knowing that the moment of sorrow will pass is still comforting. Just why it has to take so long time?

Sometimes I just think that it was so unfair to happen to me. When the feelings did burst out from me I did sent an email to my frog with question "Why did you stop loving me?" and as soon as I pressed send, I knew it was so wrong to do. But when you are bubbling inside then sometimes it just runs over edge. It was embarrassing but I couldn't do anything anymore. He reacted as he had to. I have idealized him. And I although I know he has changed and lots of things he does does hurt me now but I in my retrospective he was caring and loving and listened me always. So I have made him as hero of mine. It is idealistic. I even know his bads but they have fade all away. When I even think back on his answer today I see how unfair he has been with me. He always told that we need to talk and I believed he does talk with me when he needed but he looked that shoulder from somewhere else. And most of all hurts that he blames me in it. In that long issue ago when I was looking a shoulder from somewhere else and almost broke up with him... And although my heart was so far away from him I loved him too much to leave him. Why couldn't he love me so much, I don't know. Why I don't hate him because what he did for me, I don't know... How is it possible to love someone so much at all, I still don't know. Am I able to give my heart to someone else at all anymore, I really don't know...

I locked myself into toilet today for crying and praying because I just couldn't carry it anymore. I know that God has plans with me and I am ready to give myself under His will. All I ask is peace into my heart and mind and someone who loves me and who I would be able to love. Yeah dear God, give me that someone and give me ability to love him as my heart is loving someone who won't give air for that.

Home!!!

Finally I am home! It is half past 8 pm and I am in pidjama. I think I am going to the bed any minute. I got headache about at 5 and it is still hiding itself between my ears. Probably from luck of sleep and unpropper eating. I had english course today. Bob is actuall 63. Has been pastor 30 years already. And he is... well, pastor. I like him. But to study from 8 am to 7 pm every day... It just has to bring up headache :) I will get early night today and try to get food sleep for tomorrow. Days are going so quick again. I don't want the english course ever ends... but sadly there will be last course in friday... I am tired. But so alright.

MY FIRST BABY BORN TODAY!

In fornt of class. The lector explained biomechanisms of birth and I had to be as a power of birth (it means that I had to press the baby doll trough mama doll's vagian... and it WAS HARD!). After the lector was showing to us how the baby borns couple times she asked me to show it as well and after that she was the power of birth and me as "midwife". So I got my first baby today!!! Class laughed of course when I rised my firstborned baby up and told "And the baby has born!" Good good good! It just means I can get a job as clow as well if I should fail as a midwife ;o)

Luckily God is with me.

I did break down today. I was just busy with my doings at home till I felt I want coffee. I got up and walked to kitchen when I suddenly felt I can't take it anymore. I just couldn't tale that emotional and mental pressure anymore that I started crying. I was just standing in middle of livingroom and I was thinking that I can't cry because I have contacts in eyes but I couldn't stop. My heart and soul are in pain and I am still grieveing of my past.

I couldn't take any step farther so I standed there and asked God to take my paind and memories. I asked Him to make me strong because I couldn't stand alone there. I fall on the floor and felt free to cry alone. Through the sorrow, tears and prayer I was just thinking how pathetic I am that I am kneeling there on the floor and crying. That I am so damned weak and wanted to curl up myself on the floor and never again to get up from there. But I did get up. I got back my strenght and I was up in 10 mins again.

I told that to Dave later when I was listening about his bad day. I don't know why. Probably only to say that I had bad day too but I am up again and not complaining. And all what he told me was "Poor you." Poor me?? Argh.

[15:11:21] n> how was college today Heleri
[15:12:03] LadyScapy> short
[15:12:07] LadyScapy> how was your day?
[15:12:16] n> crap
[15:12:29] LadyScapy> do you want to talk about it?
[15:12:41] n> just like every day
[15:14:14] LadyScapy> :)
[15:14:34] n> yep
[15:15:18] LadyScapy> then you have used with that at least
[15:15:55] n> always look on the bright side, eh Heleri
[15:17:21] LadyScapy> always :)
[15:17:33] LadyScapy> I was just crying 10 minutes ago
[15:17:41] LadyScapy> but feeling great now
[15:17:44] LadyScapy> so yeah
[15:17:52] LadyScapy> sun is shining
[15:17:56] n> what do you got to cry about
[15:18:02] n> is it still freezin there
[15:18:10] LadyScapy> just feeling as crying
[15:18:19] LadyScapy> tired
[15:18:24] LadyScapy> hopless
[15:18:34] LadyScapy> pain
[15:18:37] n> poor girl
[15:18:46] LadyScapy> I am not poor
[15:18:49] LadyScapy> jeee
[15:19:00] LadyScapy> you don't have to pity me
[15:19:05] LadyScapy> YOu know I hate it
[15:19:07] n> I am not
[15:19:14] n> I am sympathising with you
[15:19:19] n> so I say poor girl
[15:19:23] n> to sympathise
[15:19:25] n> and comfort
[15:19:33] LadyScapy> symphaty is same what pity
[15:19:34] n> perhaps its lost in translation
[15:19:43] LadyScapy> there is not much diferent
[15:19:50] n> lost in translation I guess
[15:20:01] LadyScapy> nah
[15:20:09] LadyScapy> rather thats me ;)
[15:20:16] LadyScapy> srry
[15:20:44] n> no need for sorries, girl
[15:20:49] LadyScapy> I hate piting so much just
[15:21:07] n> thats why I dont pity you
[15:22:22] LadyScapy> and since I have some prejudices about you and you loving piting then I just take it automaticly like you pity me too
[15:22:28] LadyScapy> but I am fine
[15:22:41] LadyScapy> I had just collapsing moment
[15:22:47] LadyScapy> but I did pray
[15:22:57] LadyScapy> and I really do feel better now
[15:23:00] n> oh dear, poor you, I wish I could help ya somehow
[15:23:10] n> I guess we all need some help
[15:23:10] LadyScapy> jeee
[15:23:23] LadyScapy> I hate when you say that :P
[15:23:39] LadyScapy> I AM O.K!!!!
[15:23:44] n> just retrain your mind that it is a sympathetic term
[15:23:49] LadyScapy> no dear or poor me
[15:23:53] n> not a pitying term
[15:24:10] LadyScapy> I hate that sympathetic tooo
[15:24:23] LadyScapy> symPATHETIC
[15:24:28] n> its empathetic
[15:24:31] LadyScapy> even the word sucks
[15:24:47] n> thats not the meaning
[15:25:01] LadyScapy> well.. rather do not use dear poor for me
[15:25:22] LadyScapy> I am not poor, I am very rich
[15:25:49] LadyScapy> I have possibility to cry and pray on my knees to get rised up again :)
[15:26:14] n> so just ignore you next time, ok
[15:26:21] n> how cruel is that
[15:27:13] LadyScapy> lol
[15:28:55] LadyScapy> how about saying that you believe I will be ok?
[15:29:17] n> ok
[15:29:17] LadyScapy> or that What ever is wrong God will carry me trough of it?
[15:30:12] LadyScapy> poor you sounds like "yeah, I am so sorrry about you but there is nothing what I or anyone else can do in it"
[15:30:20] LadyScapy> it doesn't give hope :)

I wrote my essay of enterdance a week ago. It was total disaster. I was so sure it is easy enough for me. For me who got 95 points form 100 my final essay couple years ago. 10 thems – there should still be something to pick, I thought. There were 12 themes and none to take. Good that lector said that we can write on our own theme as well. It gave me chanche to write something and if it could not fit under any of topics there then I could think out my own. But still.. my head was so empty that I heard how my thoughts had echo. I was sitting and thinking and nothing came on my mind. I had no good start for my essay. I didn’t had even any idea what to write about. I did wrote A4 sheet of nonsens and cross it all off again. And then I just decided to put down what I feel. So I wrote how I want to stand on the edge of the world and scream out my pain. About the hole in me and how to fill it up. I even cried when I wrote about it =) Sweet. I regeret it later what I did write. Because they told they use it during conversation with me.

There wre 3 men and a woman in the room. I knew 2 of them. Senior and Junior Hamers. Both of them are very respected vicars of Lutherian Church. The 3rd old man was unknown for me like the woman. Junior was asking from me why did I dicided to come in this college and where did I got information about it. Then he asked about my job. And then he asked from others, do they have questions. They were just sitting and watching eachother and had no questions. I had to call back half past 3 PM to get to know am I in or not.

My elder brother was at me. I was all excited and forgot to call at the time they asked and called an half hour later. But it was alright. They were still there and told me I am in. Yeah, I am in.

Heleri: Hello! Don’t you call me already too often?
Margo: I just was thinking that I call to ask how are you.
H: Oh I see ;) I am fine. And you?
M: Well... I am just wondering here that there has to be recession. Where does it come my clients have no money?
H: And I already thought you are going to say you are coming to Tartu.
M: I avtually was this weekend in Tartu.
H: Oh I see... But you never thought to come to see me...
M: I just drove trough Tartu. We went with friends in the adventours park of Otepää.
H: Had great time then again :)
M: Yeah, I did...
H: You don’t sound very happy.
M: Feeling lonely.
H: Lonely? Oh and I thougt that you oink like happy pig again. ;) Where are your friends then now?
M: Pft! Friends...
H: You may always come to Tartu to have cup of coffe with me :)
M: One day. How are you? Have you got happy with someone already?
H: Happy with someone? Would you explain me what means „being happy“ first? In this part I felt how something inside me started tingling.
M: You know what I m...
H: Do you really think that happiness is something what you get with having something or someone? I really don’t think that I HAVE TO BUILT UP HAPPINESS LIKE THAT! You have everything – couple appartments, new car, life mate at home and couple lovers around, you don’t have to count your money... And you call me because you are alone. So tell me more about that happiness ;)
....

A Scream

I feel so alone. I am in a maelstorm of life and it all drags me with. But when I am in that whirl I still stand outside of it and watch it all like I wouldn’t belong there. I just watch how my physical body struggles there busy with not drawning and I even don’t care. I just turn away and fly over the city, over the forests and fields till I stand on the rock what reaches over the ocean. I stand there when wind is ripping my clothes and hair. The sky is so blue and a lonely seagul is laughing up there. I just stand there with the pain in my soul what screams out from me. I just rise my hands up on sides of me and scream. I am all alone there on the top of rock.
Begind me is green field and in front of me is churning water.

Yeah, that’s how I do feel. Psychologists could read out some mental dissorder from me if they could see inside me. But they can not... Who can at all? I don’t know how to show out that I am broken. That I am alone and lost. People around me rather ask how I do that that I never be down, that I always laugh and joke, that I am always so ... alive. And they even don’t know that it all is just a maquerade. Not always of course. But there are times I am so down that no sunshine reaches to me. I am so fake. I am so damned fake that I am not worh of any love. Why do I bother at all then... Why do I cheat people that I am an shiny princess if I am just the uggliest frog...

:(

First day back in college

„Is it raining?“
„Yes, it is.“
„Just great!!“

I do run out from the building of college and hurry to my bicycle while I stick my hand out from under the roof to feel is it still raining. Yes it is. And I drop my jacket at home on the porning when I came form work because it seemed really warm morning. I had just a shirt without sleeves. I have to hurry. And not only because of rain but because I need to pee as well. There are puddles everywhere. It sucks. I try to keep away from them. But it is more than obvious my jeans will be dirty. Out from the college yard straight on the street. Is it smart to bike on the street where cars don’t care about you when they drive trough puddles? Right. Straight on the pedestrian’s walking road. The rain is cold. No Pedestrian. I crank so quickly that I feel how my calfs are cramping. Traffic lights. Finally green. I cross the road and hurry along allee. Juhhuuu! Next traffic light is green! It has started rain more heavilly. I cant see clearly trough my glasses any more. Water is running down from my shoulder and my underwear is wet. No more to hold back myself anymore. I get up from seat and crank like nuts. Down from the little plump straight trough the deepest part of the puddle and over crossroad before the green light starts blinking. Juhhuu! Dear Lord, don’t ever take rain from us!! Let there always be puddles and rainbow and wet clothes to feel I am so alive. I maneuver around some ppl on the my way. They are not happy when I past from them with spraying them with water. Ah, take it easy! I am going home! Home... Today I have to be productive! Like yesterday? All windows were prepeard on for me going to be useful on PC but what did I do? Played battle in facebook and laughed like nuts. Maybe I am... No facebook today! Or... well, I have to pick up gold in my fairy garden that I would have money to water my wilted plants... But that’s all! Yes! Today I am productive! Finally down from Riia hill. I love that declicity here. Down! Down! Down! My hair are all wet and don’t flutter all. Because it is raining!! Rainin? Damn! My breaks!!! I need to get my speed down before I kill myself. Or even worse, someone else. Oh no, people are crossing the road... I can do that, I can do that, I can do that! I crank to get speed up again and hope that the light is.... IT IS GREEN! Now! Oh no those men are too close and seems they don’t see me... Scheisse! I take quick turn to the right and fly over street’s curbstone. Outch! My bum! No, you can’t see my pain because I know how to smile when it hurts!! All my life is just a big smile even when the pain is ripping little pieces from me. And there it is! Home, sweet home! And I am so wet...

My days of middle August

I am at work. It is half past 10 PM already and I am watching Top Gear. The patients are all in their rooms already. I am sitting in their dinningroom because the tables here were good for set up my laptop. Good for me behind the tabele actually. I am just sitting here and I don’t know what I do feel.

Couple days ago was raining but I sat on my bicycle and went to ride. Actually I had to go because it was only day then I could take my documents into colleges I were picked up ealier already. One of them was Tartu Theological Academy and other Higher Religious Seminar of Tartu. They took my documents in academy and were quite happy to see me. I told them that I have a full time job and a college and I was not sure am I able to apeal in every lesson they have. It was still 2 weeks per month mostly. They told they have other ppl as well who work and who have took a year off from school from some reason. I didn’t bring out my worry about the year off because it didn’t fit into my plans. I have 4 years just to finish those colleges. 26th August I will have essay at 10 AM and later (I can’t remember at moment when exactly) a conversation with them. I am quite sure I am in. Arrogants, I know but sitll...

It was raining stronger when I got out from there. Still the other college to find. I thought I knew where it is. It was in otherside of city. I had to get on my bicycle and... I got lost. I was totally wet and so lost. Happily there came one old lady who was also wet. But she was not lost. She knew as welll where is the building I was looking for and it was not far away at all. I got there and didn’t find the place where to lock my wheels. Finaly I found a post between too cars. Two ugly cars. But lucky for them they could stand for while next my beauty.

I tried to eneter from front door but it was locked. Hmm.. There were on the door that they are opened from 8 am till 5 PM and half past 2 PM it was just locked! I was wet and irritated. But then came a girl and opened the door. She showed me the direction where I had to go and I found an opened door. There were an older gentelman and a lady. They were really kind and smiling. The lady took my papers and asked when I can come to have conversation with them. I told that I go home and will call back to tell can I do that next day. And then I left. It didn’t rain anymore. I got home and called back. The next day was fine.

At 1 PM next day I had to be at the college again. So I dressed up into nice dresses, did make-up, put on high heeled shoes, took my handbag and ... sat on my bicycle. I felt brave. It is not city bicycle where you may sit with whatever you have on. I have still bicycle what doesn’t embarass you when you are on it... But still.. I felt really brave this day on it with all my accessories. Finally I was there. They asked me into back room, served tea and biscuits and then we just talked. The same gentelman I saw last day was the director of the college. Cool! He was cool! He was asking why I want to come into the school, how is arranged Bible study in our church and ... actually he didn’t ask much because he told me that he knows adventists as very aware of Bible. Oh and then he asked me the question what was more like a statement: „And you have read the Bible trough of course?“ EEEEEEEEEEWWWWWW! In this place I did lie. I haven’t read it through in way like we do read books. I have read trough most of it and I have read every book in the Bible but I haven’t completed them all. But anyway... I got in the college.

Day after that I was at home and cried most of the day. I was watching from youtube a Kelsey Briggs story in every possible way they had set up there and was just crying. I felt so terrible and so alone and I did miss my frog to comfort me. But I never wrote to him about that. Although it was really painful feeling sit there all alone and feeling grief in my chest and missing just a hug or just a smile from him I decided to not complain. I have done so well with my life. I have went on and I couldn’t destroy all of it during the weakness moment like that was. Enouhg from complainings. Not that I would be really big complainer at all but still... I know I do complain a lot. Maybe not for others but I know the fights inside me what get me down quit often. I am vulnerable enough to give out trumps for others to get more hurted. So.. that day I was all alone and crying and didn’t do much more. Ah, I did. I got idea to ask from my frog to analyse me. Why? Well... I am sure I am complainig too much so I just wanted to know am I really too. Some days later I wrote a letter to him and asked him to do that. He didn’t seem very happy. But hey, he has nothing to loose and he can be objective. Ja, I do like to get over from those rare moments I do miss him. Sometimes I feel really clearly that I have arounded with idiots and those days I feel really big need to be with him. I haven’t had success to replace him for someone else yet. Or maybe... Paul. He is too smart for his hmm... was he 27 or 30? I just can’t remember... But at least I know he has heart in right place. He is working out from Sidney at moment and comes online only during weekends for some hours. That sucks. I am usually off those days. In church during Satturday and at work on Sunday. He makes me happy in the way he tells his stories about his little steps to God. He is so in of it and so happy he has fond Him again. We have had some conversations about Bible and in some great reason we have never argued over differences in out religions. Oh sure!! We have had lots of differences but true is it that we should pay more attention on our views where we are in the same mind. And we have done so good in it. Arguings are not solutions. I got to know that already with my froggy...

This Satturday I woke up and was ready to go to the church when I suddenly realised that I had to be in Viljandi at all. I was shocked. How did I forget it. I checked busses, got dressed up and sat on a bus. The road to Viljadi went through Puhja. My sister lives there. And the they are renewing the road there. On really long distance.

Harassing time

It is just amazing how the time flies. I did wait so much summer. I did hope I have lots of time then to rest and do things what I needed to do but what were not priority for me then. Sometimes I think that time is going too quick only because I have so much to do. I feel I am tired. Also I feel that the time passes too quick and I am able to do so little and all what I do is just for others and nothing for myself and that I have NO time FOR MYSELF! I just would like to lie down, rise my legs on the wall and do nothing. To do so long time nothing that I feel the time is standing and I am bored. I just wonder will there come time like that in my life again?

I have even no time for my blog. Like everything what I think or feel or do have find their end...

I had today my secon blood test. And the day after tomorrow I will hear about what is going on with my future. Do I afraid? Sure. I do afraid of good and bad news on the day. Bad news may tell me my life will be too short to do all the things I want and I should start thinking what I priority to do. Good news... that I may do everything and probably there will be time my own so I just will drain myself out.

3 weeks ago about I had mission board meeting where we dicided to start with program what brings our church member closer to eachother. The first event was this Sabbath. I had to organize the place and food and some entertainment as well since Toomas was camping and probably forgot he had to organize games. But it is alright since he has needed resting time as well. He has good boy who has too many duties. Thanks for God he is here and does that all. But the event went well anyway. The members of our churce (and others who took part of ceremony) were asked to take part form collective lunch and spending time together. The most of people took cakes and sandwitches with and tables were rich. Also the communicating with eachother were good. Of course there were people who were just sitting quietly but there always will be ppl like that. I just know that my feet were hurting and I was walking around on socks. High heel shoes are not good for organizing event like that. But it all went very well!!! I even was talking to all of them although I have actually chicken heart. I told a story what I read and what made me to cry because of the vision of mission and cristianity. Even when I was telling the story and explaining it later made my ching to shake ;) When I finished was total silence in room. 40 ppl about and all were quiet. It was uncomfortable. But they were just thoughful and it was my aim to make them to think. I post the story as well..

*********************

The old man awoke and glanced at the clock. Shock registered on his aging face as he realized that he had slept too long. the tide would be coming in and his three youngest children were still put collecting shells on the island. He leaped through the door and ran toward the beach, stumbling over the jagged, cutting rocks.

"My children, my children!" he shouted. "Someone help my children!" He could see the little island and the rising water between it and the shore. He could faintly make out the outlineof the three small bodies against the rugged rocks. "My children will drown. Oh, God, my babies will die. Someone help me!" The water was rising. Only a matter of time. Higher and higher.

A short distance down the beach he saw a group of picnickers. They would help. His legs nearly buckled as he ran. Nearing the group, he saw his older sons.

"Sit down, Father, and join our potluck. Here's a chair. We were just wishing that you could be here with us. We wanted to tell you how much we love you."

"You'd better rest a minut, Father. You shouldn't run like that in your age. What's the trouble?"

"The island - the little ones are out there. They're going to die!" Great sobs tore through his body.

"Now, Father, calm down! I'm sure it isn't that bad. Look, the rocks are above water." John clumsily patted the old grey hair, then lifted his father's face to his. "Take it easy. We're here with you, and we love you so much."

"But you don't understand. The tide is rising. Oh, my babies! Please, oh, please, help me!"

"There's no rush, Father. Don't let yourself get so worked up. It is not good for your heart. We'd die if anything happened to you. Say, look. There are Joe and Dave and their new lifesaving boat. They're more able to help than we are."

The weary father turned away and shouted into the wind. Joe and Dave, other sons of his, heard and came into to shore.

"Save the children! The island will be covered soon!"

They seemed to understand and strong hands pulled the weeping man into the boat. Then the eager motor sprang to life and they headed out to sea. In the distance he could see three tiny figures clutching the highest rocks as the waves washed about their feet.

"Hurry, please hurry," he cried.

"Yes, Father, we understand. This is a lifesaving boat and it's really grand. We brought it over today just to show it to you. Look - padded seats, air-conditioned cabin, stereo music - the works. this'll be good PR, Father. When people see this, they'll know it's great to be a son of yours." Dave laid his well-muscled arm around the shaking shoulders.

Joe looked over from behind the controls and tried to ease his father's distress. "Cheer up, Father. Say, look at what this beauty can do." He grinned, gave the throttle a thrust, and spun the wheel. The boat turned in a graceful arc and headed into the waves.

"You'te going the wrong way. the tide is coming. Save my children!"

"Yes, Father, we understand. Didn't we tell you? This is a lifesaving boat. We'll go in a minute. But first look at this."

The boat bounded back and forth across the waves, its powerful motor thrusting forward with thrilling power and speed. Joe executed the turns with smoothness and precision.

"No, no! Please, oh, please!" The father's anguished voice tore through the wind.

"Look at this, Father."

He could barely see the little ones now. In horror, he imagined their terror and pain. Only the tips of the rocks broke the water now. As he watches, unable to turn away, the dear, sweet heads, one by one, slipped into the waves and disappeared.

"They are gone!" Unbearable anguish ripped his body and he fell prostrate to the floor.

Then - concerned and tender hands gently cradled his frail body. "Father, we loved you - please, Father..."

He gave no answer or indeed any sign that he had heard.

"Father, we didn't know you cared so much. We love you, Father, don't you understand? If it had been you..."

There was no response. Just wind and waves and - silence.

I got home at 7:15 AM.

Me: I am going to ride with bicycle.
My son: I see...
Me: Do you want to come with?
My Son: I can't. I need to do the bed. He sounds grumpy.
Me: It's alright. I'll wait. I went into the kichen to prepear a cup of coffee.
My mom: Where are you going??
Me: To ride with bicycles.
My mom: Oh, it is too eraly! He just opened his eyes! You can't take him out like that.
Me: I was asking does he wants to come. He told he wants. The end.
My mom: Let him woke up first! You can't go and start doing something so hard so early on the mornig!
Me: Watch us.

*********************

It is just amazing how the things go. Yesterday I went at work with short shirt and it was cold althought sun was shining. Later I went at shop and decided to get a sweater from home. As thought so I did. When I drove back from shop in my woolen sweater I was mad because sun just decided to melt me up in it! Today I was getting home in my sweater and it seemed sooooooo hot so I decided to get my clothes changed and put on a shirt with opened back. And when I was on bicycle and on the streets already I realized that the weather is making fun with me. It was sooooo freezingly cold! I was thinking that it is good I have no willy because in other way it would be just an inch and even that would be inside me... But I don't have it. But I have nipples... Oh dear! My only thought was that I have to ride just quickly enough to get my skin warm!

We have our own rout already. There are some spots where I stop and wait my son to catch me. But till those spots I can ride as fast I can. I like when my hair will take wind under them. It gives the feeling what bird may have when they feel wind under their wings. I stopped in first spot. It was near of a forest. I felt mushrooms smell. I gasped it into my lungs. Oh dear! It was so good! I got down from the bicycle and left it on the side of road when I walked into the forest. The ground was wet from dew. I couldn't see any mushrooms but there were rasberry bushes and under them was some wild strawberries. I did pick some barely red berries. The grass was trodded down. Someone was here before me... ;)

I saw Jakob coming far behind me so I went back to my bicycle and called to him to drive straight and turned down from the street to right. It was quiet area because it was new. Just couple houses and lots of land for new families to buy it and build up their own houses. When I got up on the main street was Jakob waiting me there. I got upset. "I told you to ride on!" Pffttt! Now I have to wait for him again in next place so long time! I passed from him and cranked on while I was standing. I managed to get on 40 km/h! I felt how the wind in my hair blowed away being upset. So what, if I get enough money I will buy a new bicycle for myself and he can have mine current one. His is too heavy for riding.

I did stop in next spot to wait for him. He came finally. I told to him to changes bicycles and he was gladly agree. Oh dear! My kneew poked my chin on his bicycle! :P I drove a bit on but it made wierd noice.
- Jakob, check what the back tyre is doing. I think it is empty.
- Well, it is a bit yeah.
I did stop the bicycle and watched the tyre.
- Nope, I can't ride with it. I am too heavy for the tyre. It will break.
He wasn't happy to swop the bicycles again. I told him that we are going to gas station and will fill it with air. We rode on.

There street went down and after the curv came long straight part. I could see the sky between the houses. Oh dear, how beautiful clouds were on the blue backround! The smell of air was so fresh. The wind in my hair gave me feeling I can fly. Yeah, any minute now I will just strenght my hands up on my sides and fly straight into the sky and press my face into the soft clouds! Oh dear Jeesus, where are you?! Come and rise me up there that I could touch the clouds!

I can do that! I really can do that! I felt joy in my soul and willing to go home and get ready for God works. No empty doings today! I am able to go on again because I know God is with me. Even I turn away from right road sometimes, He will lead me back again and fills me up with good feelings. It has been just wonderful morning today!

We are driving back at home and I see the next spot I should wait him. I watch back and on the long stright road I just can't see him. I hear how Bonnie Tyler starts singing there... "Turn around... Every now and then I think you'll never be the boy I wanted you to be.... Turn around.... But every now and then I see you'll always be the only boy who will be mine the way what you are..." and the sound in my head I turn around to find where he is... There he is ;o)

*****************

I got home and made some sit-ups. Oh, I should do that more often! I should do that every day! I will! Today is just good time to start with it. I did lift my leg behind on my desk and made some chrouches with one leg and then with other one. Good, good. Just what my butt needs. After all of that I leaned back on the table with my hands and made some push-ups as well. Huh! Just a shower to take and I will feel as new person!

*****************

There sings Right Said Fred on my laptop and I will yell to sing with him. "....I'm a model, you know what I meeean.. And I do my little turn on the catwalk.. Yeah, on the catwalk, on the catwalk, yeah! I shake my little touche on the catwalk..." I am creaming my body while I am dancing by the music and sing with. I shake it so all my flabs shake like Homer's belly and moan: "... I'm too sexy for my cat, too sexy for my cat.. Poor pussy, poor pussy cat... I'm too sexy for my love, too sexy for my love... Love's going to leave me...." Hmm.. I am big girl. But it is alright. I love myself as I am and God doesn't give a shit how do I look like. But I am just... so sexy for the world! ;)

Do Not Annoy the Unmedicated Person

I am not irritated. I am NOT irritated! I AM *peep* NOT IRRITATED!

Yeah, I am not. Just little bit off. Isn't it so easy to give up for temptations? You want something so much that you just are going to get it. Without thinking is it good for you or not and far away from thinking is it good for everyone else. It is so easy to give up. And after you have done it is much harder to get back out from the hole you have jumped with your free will.

Strive to enter in at the strait gate: for many, I say unto you, will seek to enter in, and shall not be able. Luke 13:24

I want so much have clean conscience what to show to God. Stand there and feel I have let Him to do everything for cleaning me up. I am so dirty. And since there is still excisting little bit of my own wish to be dirty so long is He unable to get rid off it. So am I doomed? Or it is the bad thing with temptations? You wouldn't be temptated if you would have no desire by the sin. Yeah... But you know what? "Sun will shine alwys" and I will just stand there in middle of sunshine, rise my hands up and suck all the warmness inside me till I exude it back to the world. It is just me - Frog Princess the Sunray!!! And there is anything I can't do because I do know the little truth - God loves me and He sees my fights. He will be allways with me and leads me. He lifts me up even when I do jump myself into the hole...

Because strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it. Mat. 7:14

Right attitude

I was reading a newspaper today. Like always from back to front - horoscope, comics and death announcments... And there it was - black box with announcment that a patient of ours was died. A young man. I remember him. He was tall and always shiny. His head was also shiny like and well polished egg shell. A patient with right attitude. ...and now he is dead.

The Beast

There's a moon over Bourbon Street tonight
I see faces as they pass beneath the pale lamplight
I've no choice but to follow that call
The bright lights, the people, and the moon and all

Deep inside I do believe into happy ends. I really do. Without the happy endings would be life just miserable. Yeah, it is so miserable, cold and empty. And dark. Where did I took my sunshine? I just don't understand... Or where did I lose it? ... Empty. So empty. I haven't felt already long time that kind of emptiness inside me. Even no pain. Fear? Nekah, even the fear is outside of me. I may discern the flicker of fear near of me. It's breathing on my back. But inside of me is just empty. So empty that I have even no words ;)

I pray everyday to be strong
For I know what I do must be wrong
Oh you'll never see my shade or hear the sound of my feet
While there's a moon over Bourbon Street

I need warmness. Just a bit... Is it so much to ask? Not much to ask... just too much to get it. But I am laughing. Hard to understand why. Maybe because I don't know what else to do... or do I try to hide something? And what about God... I am watching at Him and still losing connection... Do I care about that at all... I am standing outside in cold darkness. Everywhere around me are lighted windows where I may see lives of others. Like theatre of shadows... Life! Everwhere. I would like to suck it all inside me... But I am feeded with rats just. To keep me alive... Perhaps I should wait sunrise? Perhaps....

The brim of my hat hides the eye of a beast
I've the face of a sinner but the hands of a priest

To struggle with my instinct in the pale moonlight
How could I be this way when I pray to god above
I must love what I destroy and destroy the thing I love

On this Satturday died a girl here, in the clinic I do work. She was 16. I had seen her here before. Couple last times she had woolen balaclava on... to warm her hairless head. She turned away at home. Went bananas... Started yelling... Probably from pain. Her parents brought her here and a nurse injected morphium to her. She calmed down. Just a bit later she died. Just like that. 16 years of life what ended in such a pain...

Shit happens...

...but still smiling after all.

Great picture! ;) Looks sooooo real. Although it all happened couple days ago already are the tears forgotten already. Just clentching feeling is still there. The fear. My life is just a boxing match. There have been so many rounds that I don't know anymore which one is that. I just got knocked down but seems that the hits have made me strong enough. I got up after they could count to 3! I just have to stay up till the end now. Just fear is still there. I do really fear my enemy...

Friends...

Oh, get up and go to move yourself! The McDonalds doesn't help much watch your weight!

I refuse to get up but my body drags me slowly to the bicycle. I haven't missed a day on it except the days I am working 24 in the clinic on Vallikraavi street. Today I am on Lina street. No patient yet. They will arrive on the evening or tomorrow some time on the morning. I have just stlept today. It is even good because I need to sleep full my missed hours during the week.

I push my bicycle out and start my every evening rout to Ihaste. I set on max gears and start crank. Jee, it is hard like life. If you don't want to fall then you have to move your legs. I called to Margo today. By accident. I wanted to text but double click on the Skype window started the call not message window. So what. Let I call then. He was home and alone.

Margo: How are you then?
Heleri (me): Fine. I just saw your message lately in Skype. Sorry I didn't react on it ealier ;)
M: So it is. You have forgot me.
H: Not true. Just have been busy. How are you?
M: Fine. (I do hear him making some noice on keyboard.) Riho just told me MSN "hi capitalist". What damned capitalist I am?! He is just mad I refused advise him free. IT IS MY BREAD! How can come one Riho and expect I give my bread away!
H: He is your friend....
M: What f***ing friend! I know friends like that! YOu do once to them something good and then they think that he is just a Margo and he always will do everything! NO! It is not like that! I had 4 so said "sisters" who.. actually 3 of them who asked service from (hmmm... am I that one sis who he left out? I do rise my eyebrows...) me and we had official agreement how much they have to pay for that and they haven't.
H: Ok, ok! I got your point. I hope you had some of your moods and you were joking with him.
M: No I was not. I really mean it!
H: Heaven sake! You sound like an old man I was talking yesterday! He thinks he is navel of the world because he has a farm somewhere in Texas where is so much land that he rides 2 days from one side to other with horse. That it makes him the king because he has 40 full time workers and 25 part time workers and only thing what matters is the money he has. And how he hates christians and would put all christian women pregnant without no DNA test for them!
M (laughs): Do not compare me with that old man. I just wanted to make my point that I don't need relatives like that. Why should I advise some one without getting paid for that?
H: Hmm.. how much do i own you for your current time I do waste?
M: Don't start you too. I can see there is sitting otherside of PC another socialist! Tell me would you give me 500 krones just like that?
H: I would if I would have. (I have half-smile on my face. We have started conversation with such passion!)
M: Jee, another socialist is the Rihos lifemate. She also tells crap like that! Would you give 500 to me every months!? Just like that?
H: I am not an socialist! I would give it to you when I would know you really need it. If you get food for that 500 krones or pair of trausers. Why should I give it to you without that? Although I do see your point I still don't understand what costs you an advise for a friend???! Ah!
M: Oh dear, I can't find a friend from you too!
H: Jee, do I have to lick your ass when I am your friend? If you need friends who kiss your butt and who watch into your mouth like you would spit gold out from there and say "Yes, master!" after every your sentence then you should call to Riho!
M: He doesn't lick my ass also anymore... Oh, I have drilled them here. I told to Rihos sister who is working in a shop that there is no point to stay into the shop for whole her life. She should do something with her life. Oh dear, she got mad! It is alway so when you care and try to change their lives that they would climp out from the s**t they are...
H: Oh great! You think you have right to critisize everyones life like that? You just will spit out everything what your saliva brings on your toungue and you hope they will be thankful for that? You do lose all your friends with attitude like that...

Oh, I passed from the street I had to turn down! I turn aroun thoughtfully and start cranking back along the road I rode. The old lady still sits in the bus stop. Probably she thinks I am wierd. i just passed from her and now i am going back. But it means nothing for me. I want to turn out from the street Age showed me day before yesterday. She didn't want to make bigger circle because she was not ready for spontanneous decision like that. I don't need to plan my life in so small details so I may go and see what the area is showing to me.

M: Jee, Heleri! I don't need friends like that. When I am in troble then I will be there anyway alone. Then doesn't help me anyone. Why should I help them then?
H: You know, I really do see your point but I am too much christian for that. You need ask help to get it. Often people around you don't understand you need help.
M: Of course I do ask when I need it but they can't help me anyway. They don't have that power.
H: Right! Let's put all christian pregnant and kill them too!
M: Do not worry. There will come a day when I make baby for you too!
H: Oh, yes! Sex of mercy!
M (laughs): Ha-ha-haa! Sex of mercy.... Are you really now so christian...
H: Yes I am.
M: Are you happy with that?
H: Yes I am.

I do smile and think on my life. The area is really beautiful. Small houses and amasing gardens. Just like little paradise. The best place where let your thoughts to run... I really am happy. I feel so alive and active and useful. I have everything I need to go on. I have my job, I have my studings, I have my plans and wish to go on, I have time for riding with bicycle and now and then go to blade with roller blades. I am fall in love with my butt (it may be big for someone but they don't know how big it was before...), I do have social life in church and out of it, I do have friends and I like a guy... Yeah, I do like the guy but that's not so good actually. I am not ready to get involved any serios relationship yet. I would take brake for 4 years about ;o) Till I have my studies. I need my heart there but when I am in love I lose my heart totally and it may ruin my plans so dear God, let us be just good friends and keep my heart beating too quickly for him. I will give it all to you to lead.

You should love...

It was long morning in church today. I got in bed at 2 AM and out from it 6:10 AM. I was doing congregation infosheet yesterday and getting ready for children lesson. I needed to run early to church today because I had to make lots of copies from the infopage, get ready the children class and read the mission story as well. So I had to make a plan.

I did dress up. Since my clothes were a bit too large I had to needle the button a bit more closer. I looked up my black shoes with high heels and made my hair. I did add some mascara on my eyelashes and tone my lips a bit. Then I sat down behind my desk and swiched on my laptop. I needed sometihng more for children lesson. I found the some bible textes for Sword Drill and some questions for quiz. I took my stuff and we went to churc to get there for 8 AM.

Even the doors were closed! But we got in. I managed to make all copies. During fold up them I was reading and repeating the children story and tried to tell it. So when I finished folding then the story was in my head. 9:45 I ran up to the ceremony room to read the mission story. Not much people were there and the microfon was not switched on yet. But I have strong voice. After the reading I ran down to children class and it went great. I finished it on time and got up into ceremony room over long time too early. They were singing still the first song from the song moment. Usually I am still down when the ceremony has started... The Pathfinders arranged the ceremony so my son had also something to say for congregation about smart choices (I wrote the text last night!!!). Lots of songs and then the preacher part... The pastor was from Valgas congregation. He is youngest pastor in Estonia in our congregation. And his preacher was soooooo good. He was talking very well and made everyone to listen him and the topic was good as well. We had argued last week on mission board about the topic and now it was exactly what my soul needed. That my thoughts were right about it. I am thankful for God that He showed I am going on the right way.

He was talking about love inside of cogregation. He told that quit often men will come and say that they want the cogregation/pastor/people would do THAT to them. But actually we should watch inside ourselves and ask what we are ready to do others. And should we wait for someting back?

"Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy. But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust. For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? do not even the publicans the same? And if ye salute your brethren only, what do ye more than others? do not even the publicans so? Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect." (Matthew 5:43-48)

It is beautiful message, isn't it? Everyone do good to others and wait that others will do the good back to them. Are we then differt from the publicans when we do the same? Of course not. It is so easy to love back when someone loves you. It is so good to care about someone if you are cared by him/her as well. But good persons should love also when they are not loved back, care also when they never get back the carings from there. That's the love.

It was message of the pastor's preacher and it really touched deeply my heart.